Oh boy. H is feeling down on himself again, because he's picking me apart to the point that it's getting on my nerves. He argues with everything I say and will not listen to reason. Since there's no point in talking to him, I'd just as soon not bother continuing the argument, but he can't let it go. That's the point at which I pretty much resort to telling him not so nicely to just shut up and think... yeah... that works.
Another dilemna that has been on my mind lately came bubbling out during one such argument today. I've been wrangling around how to talk to him about this, but there's no avoiding it now. The cat's out of the bag that I'm not so sure I believe him when he talks about the job he's going to get... and yes, it peeves me a bit too.
Background I put my first husband through college. He always had some excuse not to be working... sometimes good reasons, sometimes worthless reasons, but I finally accepted that he probably was never going to be a primary source of income for us. Then he died. A few years later I met my H.
H is retired with a pension, but he's been telling me since we first met that he plans to take a job. First he decided to go to school and finish his bachelor's degree, during which time he was going to get certifications and take a part time job. Then he couldn't because his classes were during the day, so he switched to nights. Then he couldn't because he was in class at night and wanted to use the days to work on his certifications. Then we were seperated and I'm not sure what happened then. Then he graduated, and still hadn't finished his certifications. Then he still needed to finish the certifications, then it was the certifications and then it was the certifications. He finally finished the certifications, and then he couldn't start job hunting because of the holidays. Then he started job hunting, but only for a narrow window of jobs in a narrow industry in a narrow location in a narrow field. That is pretty much how he has spent the last year.
I've asked him many times if he really is planning on doing this job thing or if he's just blowing smoke. I wouldn't have minded if it was just talk, because I would have planned accordingly, but he keeps insisting (angrily even) that he is going to work.
I've long supposed that he was not going to be any help to me financially, though there are days when I dream about him paying off his debts and setting aside some money for retirement or a new house, etc. I just keep rolling along paying my bills and whittling down my own debt. H doesn't contribute to the mortgage or utilities, though he usually buys the groceries, dinners out and gas for the cars, etc. He also does a lot of work around the house, which I will miss sorely if he ever does get a job.
The Dilemna H is incredibly sensitive (like most men I suppose) about being the provider. He also loves nothing better than to wallow in his own self-loathing. The more he loathes himself, the uglier his mood gets, the less he does and the more he loathes himself. The last thing he needs is for me to jump on his case about it. Then again, I don't think that the five years of sitting by pretending this is all cool has accomplished much either.
H is continually in the mode of "we shouldn't do that until" he gets a job. So today, we're talking about an awful home repair project we need to do and aren't sure we can afford to hire out. We've had a hole in our bedroom ceiling for four years, a bathroom light fixture lying on the floor for six months, the front porch torn to pieces for three months and a borderline roof for two years. I proposed that I get a cash out refinancing on the house to pay for the repairs so it will be habitable in the next few years. H put his foot down and started talking about "when the day comes that we are ready to move to a bigger place." WTF??? I finally told him that if the current state of things continues (as it has for the past five years) there is no new house on the horizon and that we should make the place habitable. Ooops! He took it pretty hard, as I thought he might.
Nonetheless, I am so tired of waiting for this "promised" life of his to begin. If I'm going to live there I want to fix the place up and make it my home. Well I've gotta go now. I'm sure he'll want to talk more about this tonight. Egad! -- z
