Hello all! Posh hotel turned out to be fun. We got all dressed up, before we went to check in at the hotel. H made me leave my roses at home, but we took our anniversary cards to open at the restaurant. Then we drove over the restaurant. It was cold and misty or we could have walked. I was wearing my “dress-I’d-never-wear”, which caused every head to turn when I took off my coat at the restaurant. I had my hair all curled and tousled, which my H thinks is dead on sexy. (I just think it looks messed up.)
The food was great, and the wine was good. The conversation was light. It was just nice. We didn’t like the dessert menu, so we headed back to the hotel. The rain was still coming down steadily and our hotel did not have a garage. Fortunately, I know my way around all of the tunnels, skywalks and back hallways of the downtown area. By the time I led my H through a maze of the parking garage and two different hotels, we had gone three blocks completely protected from the elements and only had to cross the street to get to the front door of our own hotel. H was impressed.
We ordered dessert in the hotel restaurant and headed upstairs to watch television. H really did like the room, especially the very comfortable bed. H got a real kick out of the shower, which was made for tall people. (I had to stand on tiptoes to adjust it for me.
We both slept great. I woke H up this morning to ML, then we sat in bed reading the paper and drinking coffee. We had a little hassle with getting the comp certificate honored (I won the room in a raffle) and the parking validated, but afterwards we went to breakfast. On the whole we got out of the entire anniversary celebration for the cost of a nice dinner; and breakfast at our favorite greasy spoon diner. H loves a bargain; and he loved the part where I took care of getting the comp straightened out.
All in all we thought it was a good anniversary. Ciao!
The boxes have started heading into the house. H is being testy, bossy, pushy, accusatory. I'm guessing he's feeling a little out of sorts about all of this. He and I don't agree on politics, religion or just about anything else... but when such a conversation comes up he gets all down in the mouth about. He also digs in his heals and gets stubborn.
I'm being pretty nice about it all so far, except for the other day when I produced a scientific study from my files that supported my argument. He kept challenging me on specific things I'd read in a cultural study ten years ago... what was I supposed to do? Guess? Needless to say, he did not read the essay and decided that we "just don't get along." I wasn't nasty about presenting it to him, in fact I very rationally and calmly said that we should check the article if he had so many questions, but his attitude was very defensive. He was simply bent on disagreeing with me and I think took this as a challenge from me.
I have found that jumping on top of his shoulders and wrestling upside down with him makes him laugh when he gets on edge like that. I don't recommend this for everyone. He is much bigger than me, but I'll probably end up injuring him someday. (Guess that would teach him. ) Ciao!
z, I haven't been around for a while but it sounds as if there have been lots of developments in your sitch! It's great to hear that he's definitely moving back home and the boxes are on the way. Of course, there will be some stress with moving and getting things set up again. That's to be expected. He is human, after all.
As far as religion, politics or whatever, remember to pick your battles. Does it really matter that the both of you have different views on things like that? Certainly, you can both agree to disagree and leave it at that unless it's an issue that will directly affect your relationship. At that point, it's negotiation with compromise that's necessary...or you can wrestle with him if that gets results too!
I suggest you just avoid the arguments, even if you are completely right. If you have all these little arguments (and a few big ones), resentment will start brewing again inside and eventually may lead you back to where you were. The firecracker won't go off if you don't light it.
Be thankful that a resolution came about in your sitch and that your R has been restored, even though there is much work left to do. You're one of a select group here that put all her heart into this for a long time and got positive results. Don't risk all that work over stuff that really doesn't matter.
If he disagrees with you, so be it! The key is not to have a S that will agree with you on everything. It's to have an S whose position you can respect and who will respect yours. Everyone sees things from different angles. Someone on the west coast will say "the sun sets over the ocean" while on the east coast, they'll say "the sun rises over the ocean." It's the same sun but it's seen from two different perspectives. When they talk to each other, they can say "I don't see it your way" without debating who is right and wrong. Quite frankly, it's irrelevant.
Focus on the things you do agree with and keep the feisty, fiery woman in you bottled up for more suitable occasions. You'll find it to be a better outlet and so will he.
Hello all! Time for an update... I started going to a therapist. At first, I thought she was a fruitloop, who kept talking about my inner child and sparkle and such. I am finding that she's pretty perseptive even if I have to run everything through the new age nonsense filter. It seems to me lately that my arguments with H are much more constructive than they have been in the past. I'm standing my ground, but not rising to the bait as easily. We were both exhausted and cranky last night. He started badgering me, and I told him to just stop. Usually that starts a new argument, but not last night. He did stop and later he even apologized for griping at me.
I feel kind of bad right now, because he's pressuring me to cancel our Thanksgiving plans. We're behind the eightball on getting the house in order, in part due to the fact that his stuff is "everywhere" and in part because I broke my foot yesterday, which required us to waste an entire day with doctors. Now I'm dead slow and H is constantly forbidding me to do things. Granted, I am exactly the type of person to overdo it, but his "rules" pretty much confine me to sitting on the sofa. I'm sick of his "rules." So, I limp up and down the basement steps with laundry, crawl around the bathroom with the caulking gun and drag furniture across the room from a seated position. It drives him absolutely insane, and there is a devilish part of me that loves it.
Even if I weren't getting so much joy out of prodding the wild animal with a stick, I think his attitude about getting the house ready absolutely sucks. "We can't" isn't true and isn't an attitude that will make it possible for us to succeed. It's important to me that we have this dinner at our house and that our house be clean and orderly. I had to give up a hiking trip and an ice skating party, but I can do this. Not only is this important to me, but I need his help to pull it off. He won't even talk to me about what needs to be done; and I know that he has in mind to do it all himself to his perfectionist standards, and that's what's really ticking through his mind when he's griping about how I do too much. The pressure must be unbearable, especially with me being completely helpless.
He's supposed to take me to Italian class tonight, so hopefully I'll get the chance to explain (again) how important this is to me. I know it can't feel good to have me ignoring his demands that I cancel. It doesn't feel much better to have him telling me what I can not do. Oh well. TTFN! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Quote: Now I'm dead slow and H is constantly forbidding me to do things. Granted, I am exactly the type of person to overdo it, but his "rules" pretty much confine me to sitting on the sofa. I'm sick of his "rules." So, I limp up and down the basement steps with laundry, crawl around the bathroom with the caulking gun and drag furniture across the room from a seated position. It drives him absolutely insane, and there is a devilish part of me that loves it.
Sorry to hear about the foot.... Now lets fix the broken brain...
Enjoy him doing things... What is important, the battel or the war?
"The talk" pretty much fell on deaf ears. Then a friend offered to have us and our guests over to their Thanksgiving in order to relieve me from hostess duty. I called H, who was willing to make the change... and seemed pretty relieved. Unfortunately, H's brother did not care to meet new people, so we were back to plan A... cleaning and cooking for Thanksgiving. From that point on H was a little more receptive to the situation. He would never admit it, but we didn't have to work nearly as long as he thought. We did work as hard as he thought, but that's okay with me. He started getting cranky today, especially when it was almost noon and we had not eaten anything or taken our medications. He refused to stop working so we could eat, so I tricked him into doing it. I started by telling him to pick up some coffee for me when he was out buying ice. Naturally, he suggested that we make coffee instead of buying it. I asked if he would have some too. He said, "yes." I asked if he'd have some pannetone with the coffee too. He said, "maybe." Needless to say we sat, ate, drank, and took medications... attitudes got much better around our house.
We ended up having a wonderful dinner with great people. This was the first time we had had our friends from the Italian group over to the house. It was really nice. So day one of Thanksgiving has passed peacefully. Tomorrow is the shopping marathon on crutches. Wish me luck! --z
I'm glad everything turned out ok. I haven't been around much lately but if I would have read your post before now I would have said "what is more important? Being right or being happy?" I think that's how it goes, try to remember this...especially since this is just the beginning of your new journey.
Any by the way, H is right...you should relax in order to ensure your foot heals properly!
lost track of you from my 1st days a newbie here on the threads
my own roller coaster got to be too much for me to handle & for others as well byron's still in MLC & doing the loop de loops but i'm taking a well deserved breather right now & seeing a counselor so that i can work thru some of my own "stuff" while byron's running away from his own issues & creating more havaoc (doc was able to describe byron so well & never met him in person )
so glad that dbing has proven to be a successful case for you
it's so good to come to your thread & see things are going good
guess God's tapping me on the shoulder saying don't give up hope yet i was over at one of HB's sermons thread & the next thing i knew I'm over here celebrating your success
Hi Missing! I wondered what had happened to you. It's good that you're taking a break. Best to let him figure it out for himself.
Hi, Dough Man. Interestingly, I am finding that I win more battles than I ever thought before. Poor H wasn't allowed to pick the place where I put the photo of his favorite dog, he did not get to cancel Thanksgiving and after five years of arguing with me he woke up one day thinking we needed a freezer. I don't know how I won that last argument, but I'm not pointing out that it was my idea.
Hello, also to Unsure. Would I rather be right or happy? Taking care of myself is actually a pivotal part of my sitch. H puts too much pressure on himself and starts forbidding me to do things when he's stressed out. I've spent the past two years defying my husband by insisting on being a helpmate. He always resents it beforehand and appreciates it later. I suppose if single people are on crutches they still have things to do. Don't worry, I have put my foot up a few times.
H is moved back in; and we survived our holiday party... just barely. I was very angry with H, because he practically repeated his performance from Thanksgiving. He said he could get the house in order between Thanksgiving and the party. Then he didn't. I spent the whole day of our party gritting my teeth while he griped and wasted time. Apparently, the problem is how I schedule our social engagements and not the fact that he prioritizes the wierdest things. For instance, he couldn't spend ten minutes putting a box in the attic on Friday evening to get it out of my way, but he had thirty minutes to price cameras on the internet. BTW, I never nag. I say it once; and it's up to him. As annoyed as I was, it was something of a relief to feel like I had something really specific to be angry with him about, though I could accept the procrastination more easily if it were not for his nasty attitude.
Other than that day I wanted to snap my fingers to make him disappear, things have been mostly peaceful between us. We're working and thinking more like a couple, which is good.
There's some family politics going on among my siblings; and I think H likes how I've been handling it. I set off an uproar when I told my siblings that I was spending Thanksgiving with my inlaws and some friends. (Frankly, I did it because they started making plans while acting as though they needn't bother consulting me.) In fact, I told everyone in the family that we were having my inlaws to dinner months in advance, but they still called me four days before Thanksgiving to tell me what to bring. Then they tried to marshal me in by inviting my inlaws, but we already had already included another couple, so we stuck to our original plan. You would think that they would learn that they need to include me when making plans, but I've heard through the grapevine that I am expected to be at my sister's house for Christmas. Too bad my inlaws already asked us over to their house.
My brother also dropped a very manipulative little bombshell on my H and I, so I'm wondering what is going on behind the scenes. My brother announced that the reason my in-laws were not invited to Thanksgiving until the last minute was because my sister (who was hosting Thanksgiving at her house) wouldn't invite them until my H moved home. If it's true, it's really petty of her. If it's not true, it's really petty of my brother to make it up and drop it on us at the top of his voice in the middle of our holiday party, where many people never knew we were seperated.
H's first reaction was to say, "See I told you so! They hate me." Then he thought about it a little longer and decided that maybe my brother was trying to coax some type of a reaction, which is probably true. I think my brother has a problem with my H, and doesn't want to spell it out. Oh well.
H is still involved in the Italian group with me. In fact last night he independently came up with a way that he could support one of our activities. My heart is soaring!
