Hello everybody. Friday night H gave up coming over to work on a job application. It was wierd, because we'd talked about this job the week before. He'd talked about all of the down side, then he talked about the upside. I thought he was going to apply, and was very excited, because the location was really cool... and I'm ready for a change. When I talked to him Friday evening he said he had never intended to apply. I said "Rats! I was really excited about that." He said he'd look at it again. I figured he'd come up with some reason not to do it, but he decided to stay home and work on it. Over the weekend he talked it down all weekend long... He kept asking me, "What are you going to do when...?" I'd answer the question and he'd shoot it down. I finally got fed up and called him on it. He said he was just bringing out these issues so that I couldn't say that I didn't know. I'm not sure if he's more paranoid or more patronizing. I sure don't feel loved and respected when he talks like that. It took some doing, but I finally got him to add something constructive to the conversation.
We did our duty as aunt and uncle this weekend; and had a pleasant enough time. On Sunday, I didn't even want to get out of bed. H managed to coax me out around 11 a.m. and I decided to make the best of the day. H couldn't help but notice how lethargic I was, so he asked me about it. I could tell he was expecting to hear that it was all about him, so he was probably a little surprised. I told him that the Zoloft hadn't really kicked in yet, so I am probably depressed... plus it's a hard drug to ramp up on, so I feel drugged a lot of the time. It's just confusing right now. I told him that I had been thinking alot about the depression and anger; and felt like I could trace it back to a discussion I had with my boss earlier this summer.
My boss has a reputation for giving the worst, most inaccurate and demoralizing performance reviews ever. He gave me two this year. The first one I was fantastic and couldn't be better, so I got a raise. A month later he couldn't think of anything nice to say about me. The straw that broke the camel's back is that he removed a major piece of my responsibilities that happened to be the only reason why I took this job. He said that he did not support me in this part of my career, which he had previously promised to do. He also said that he wanted to reduce the time spent on this particular area, though I was told they were expanding this when I was hired. I felt as though I'd been lied to and ill used. Since I now make a lot more money than I could in the private sector, I really want to stay here and find something else to do. It could be years. In the meantime, it just feels like I'm marking time.
H typically tried to "fix" things, though there's nothing to be fixed, so he gave me a long hug. That was better. I spent the rest of the day making sauces in the kitchen while H worked out in the yard. I got the bug to start calling people, which happens once every year or so... otherwise I couldn't be paid to pick up the phone. I called one of our new friends from the conversation group, one of my old friends from church and one of my cousins. It's good to be in touch with people.
This morning I confronted H about something that's been on my mind. I told him that I'm not certain if I want to go to therapy for the depression. Rightfully, he pointed out that it's something I need to take care of, but I'm not so sure that it's not a temporary thing that will go away when circumstances change.
I also told him that I resented it a little that I would be going to therapy to deal with my depression and anger issues, while he does nothing for his depression. Why should I fix my problems just to live with his? (I know that whether or not he takes responsibility for himself is beside the point. I'm just tired of it being all about me and my problems.) He asked me why I thought he was depressed, I told him that I thought the fact he had been clinically diagnosed with depression was a good reason. He deflected as usual, so I told him that I thought he was passive aggressive. He didn't take that too well, and wanted examples. I explained to him how I think that he feeds my temper by being non-responsive so that I will blow up and make him "right." I explained to him how he manipulates conversations so that I make the decision, even though he wants the same thing and just won't say it. He dismissed these and asked for specific examples. I told him that I wasn't going to give him one case after another to rationalize; and he should accept that this is just how I see things. He was not happy and probably blew me off. I probably could have said it better. I'll probably hear the gross misinterpretation thrown back at me ad infinitum. I needed to say something.
We're supposed to go to a conversation dinner tonight. I still feel drugged and uninspired. As usual, I just want to go back to bed. Hopefully the dinner tonight will perk me up. Y'all take care. --z
