"Cold as the northern winds In December mornings, Cold is the cry that rings From this far distant shore.
Winter has come too late Too close beside me. How can I chase away All these fears deep inside?
Chorus: I'll wait the signs to come. I'll find a way I will wait the time to come. I'll find a way home.
My light shall be the moon And my path - the ocean. My guide the morning star As I sail home to you"
Well, here we go... back to doubting my own sanity. I really don't think I'm crazy, but I do think I'm very unhappy. It just doesn't help that I've had my H telling me that I'm crazy for five years, because I yell irrationally when I lose my temper. I'm not so sure that the intensity of my temper is the problem so much as the frequency with which I lose it. It used to be a once a or two month when I'd really get frustrated and blow up, the past couple of months it's been about every other day... not good. I'm not sad all of the time, but I'm definately got many other symptoms of depression. I'm not sure if I'm depressed because I'm angry or if I'm angry because I'm depressed, but I do know that I'm not very happy with myself either way... so I decided to see a psychiatrist. Certainly no amount of yoga or language classes or conversation groups seems to have helped. I really hope I get medication, which is saying a lot, because I HATE taking medicine. Zoloft take me away! (See, some humor is still intact.)
H is supportive, which he should be... Mean Zero thinks that he is taking this opportunity to be smug in my acknowledgment that he's been right about me all along, even though he hasn't been right. Nice Zero thinks that maybe he's just relieved that I might not jump down his throat every day. I can not believe I'm still in piecing.
I'm feeling sick today which was bad timing as my boss is leaving town for three weeks tomorrow and I have Italian conversation group tonight. I'm hopeful that organizing the Italian conversation group will be something positive for me. I just want to sleep for a very long time.
