HDW with LDH... so confused ????

[MadFrog]

hi, my name is madfrog, and i am a door mat.
now that that's out of the way, like doggie said. Be your own person. Start small and work your way up. Sometimes the little things can make you feel pretty good.
Here's an example for ya: this week end we were supposed to put a gate in our fence so that my wife could drive the truck through to make it easier to spread the mulch. I wanted to do it one way, and her another way. Since I was pretty convinced that her way wouldn't work, I rsisted going along with her idea.
Last year, I would have just done what she said, or gotten pissed off and told her to do it her own damn self!
This weekend I just told her that i would be more than happy to help her do it her way - but if it doesn't work, she was responsible for fixing it. Sounded fair to me. She first thought i was getting pissed, so I made it clear that I was quite calm and not upset. But them were the terms.
So we ended up not putting a gate, and I'll help her spread the mulch instead (which I have always been happy to do, except she never asks!)

anyway, just an example where a very small thing makes you feel a little more like your own person, and makes your spouse respect you just a little bit more.

See signature.

[SuzeeQue]

While I was reading him the book TSSM he stopped me occasionally and asked if "that was how I really felt". When I explained in detail how I really feel ...he seemed to understand.. I think?! We have been home from our trip for 3 days and he has made NO attempt at initiating anything but he has become a bit more playful during the day. Which only gets me started thinking that "yeah I might get some tonight" only to have him fall asleep along side me again..leaving me yet again questioning why I keep let myself feel so emotionally drained.

[NOPkins]

ricsgrl918 wrote:
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You are so right! I have always considered myself his property. Since I was 16 actually. I am just not sure I have the self confidence right now to fix me This has really shaken my confidence. I havent found a way to believe that it isnt a personal attack on my femininety.
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I find it very interesting that you two go back so far. Please fill us in on the history. What happened from 16 to 39. This may help with insight to the problem.

Thanks,
-NOPkins-

[SuzeeQue]

I understand completely. Here is an example of one of many dynamics in our marriage... he will ask my opinion about something like ..buying his harley.. what I like, dont like, color etc. I tell him and he responds for a half hour telling me the reasons why those choices won't work for him and then does it the way he wants anyways. Then gets mad when I wont offer up a suggestion or opinion on other things. I feel like it really doesnt matter what I want, he is going to do it his way anyways.

[SuzeeQue]

Ok this might take a while. I will make it as short as I can. We were high school sweethearts.. became pregnant at 17 with twin girls. He denied them to his parents etc and chose to not be a part of our lives. I married someone else who is the father of my other 4 children, very abusive relationship. He married twice , one other daughter. He is in the military and was out of the country for 12 years and when he came back we started talking and within a year we were married. I have been in love with this man since I was 16... being with him is the ultimate dream come true. Our sex life sucks though.

[MadFrog]

heh, I know the feeling. I now head those off at the pass. As sson as the deconstruction of my opnions starts, I say something like:
"Hey, that's just my opinion. You do whatever you want." It usually cuts the crap out. She may explain why she wants to do what she wants, but at least, it's not adversarial any more. In your case:
"honey, I think you should get a Honda anyway, because they tend to not leak oil all over your clean garage. That and I don't need to wear ear plugs when I'm on the back with you. But that's just my opinion - if you really want a Harley, go for it!"

[SuzeeQue]

Well most of the time I can see where the discussion is going and I will just tell him to do what he wants. I want him to buy his harley , I fully believe that he has earned it ( 20 years military ). I just hate it when he asks what I like want etc...and then explains the myriad of reasons why we cant do those or whatever. He is the same way about the sex thing. I explain how I feel , he listens and claims he understands but then never does anything to make me feel better

[mandksdad]

Hi,
My wife does that all the time. She is looking for validation. If it's a matter of purely personal preference on her part, I'll try to get a bead on what she really wants and suggest that. This is relatively harmless. On the other hand, if it's an issue that is important, or that involves you as well, such as moving to another city or his changing jobs, then you need to have an equal say.
I'm afraid that if your description of your relationship with H is accurate, you will continue to be unhappy with your self and your marriage. I also adore my W and find it hard to say no to her, but despite my efforts to please her, she does not listen to my pleas for a sexual relationship.

I wish you luck,

Paul

[SuzeeQue]

We have had arguements on a whole bunch of different issues...among them cities to live in and when to retire. He has at least listened to my choices however he always manages to discredit them and i just give in and say ok what ever you want. I get tired of having my choices diminished and belittled so I stop giving my choices. Which in turn causes the arguement that I never say what I want!!! Kind of like a dog chasing his tail.

[MadFrog]

I think others have said this before, but let me try to be blunt and frank:
from the tones of all your posts, even your handle, it sounds like you need to do some serious soul-searching.
As odd as it may seem, I think you need to convince yourself (first) that you can be perfectly happy WITHOUT your husband. Then once you can be happy YOURSELF, without needing his validation/presence/approval/whatever - you may actually be able to stand up for yourself, and let your spouse know that you deserve some respect. Basically, you need to grow the balls to tell him what you need to be happy in your marriage. He will then have to chose (yes, him) to either work with you towards a happy marriage, or letting it go. At which point, you have the option to leave him if he choses the latter. I think that just by seeing how happy you can be once you step away from him a little bit may let him understand that your whole world does not revolve around him and his needs.

oh, and by the way, growing balls ain't easy, regarldess of your gender - when you are a door mat by nature.

this is just my opinion, your mileage may vary, etc. You should really read the Passionate Marriage book; I think it would be helpful to you.