I have to be missing something, some lesson I'm not learning.

Last night H, S4 and I were having a good evening, everything seemed fine until H got back from running an errand. I've been doing something really dumb all summer and up till now, not all the time, but A LOT of the time...leaving my car unlocked at night. My garage door opener is in my car and so locking the doors to the house has been kind of useless. I thanked the Lord right away for keeping us safe!

Well H came in angry, pointed this out to me, was angry and then said he was leaving and to have S20 meet him in the woods early Saturday morning for hunting....just like that out of the blue. Storms around for awhile, plugs in his cell phone and then goes into the bedroom and wants to me to follow. Closes the door and says "you don't even want me here do you" "you don't say you want me here!" I do, but usually H ignores it or grunts about.

He then brought up OW and how would I feel if they were always friends? I said you mean be friends and be here with S4 and me? I said well is that what she wants? Is that why she keeps hanging around and doing things for you? H says she does nice things for a lot of people, she's thoughtful. I told him a marriage isn't for three people. I said I don't have a chance and, "I am not competing with HER" I told him I couldn't even send him flowers when he was in the hospital becuase SHE sent him something...to me that is competing and I'm not doing those kinds of things until she is out of the picture. He keeps saying ow won't leave him alone, he keeps telling her to find someone else but she won't leave him alone. He said he even asked ow why she wanted him, he's been divorced twice and working on the third...well duhhh. I said what did she say and H said "nothing" The thing is H said the exact same things to me when we first me.

H said he was miserable, OW was miserable and that I was miserable. I said "I'm not miserable". I'm waiting for H to decide what he's going to do, watching him agonize over making a decision.. H said he's been miserable for the last two years and now his health is being affected. At one point he sat at the kitchen counter with his head in his hands.

Said "we don't get along" "we weren't meant to be together" I said don't include me in the "we" you're talking for yourself.

For some reason I keep pushing him towards OW, if that's where he wants to be then I want him to be where he's happy. I told him I love him, but if he wants to be there than I would be okay. But H doesn't go to her, I've told him a number of times, every time we "talk" in fact. I wonder if OW knows this...I doubt it. But, do tell him it has to be his decision, I'm not going to kick him out.

There's lots more going on here then I'm posting, that I don't want to put in writing. Then H brought up my running to God, "why do people run to God when stuff like this happens" W#2 ran to God, so now I'm wondering why she did turn to the Lord, H never has told me and until now it wasn't an issue. However, the other night he wanted me to know that he hasn't talked to W#2 since they were D'd which was over ten years ago.

He's struggling, trying to make a decision, but just can't at this point. Things between us are getting better and better, yet there's kind of a line and until OW is out of the picture we'll be stuck where we're at.

H wasn't really making any sense about some things, like keeping OW as a friend and then saying she's miserable? And I highly doubt she'd be content being friends with H forever and she's not pursuing H to be friend with him.

H hasn't stayed with OW for over two weeks, been coming here every night, calling most nights to let me know what he's up to. During the day he never calls me at work, nor do I call him. I've just been detaching, living my life, focussing on me and what the Lord is trying to teach me, some things about myself that are coming to the surface. I still have work to be done on myself and maybe that's why we're not progressing. At times I'm still pointing a finger at H, but there are three more pointing back at me.

I am at this point more trying to be a friend to H than anything else, our M is on the backburner for now. Which I believe is takig a lot of pressure off of H, I don't expect anything of him. I show him compassion, kindness and have been really listening when he talks and trying to respond as a friend would, someone who doesn't have a vested interest in the outcome of his decision.

Cathy