“We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction, and when we turn over our lives to Him, he takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human.”
Can’t remember who said this or where I read it, but very appropriate. That I am here to serve others. That whatever good I give out will be given back to me, if not by the person who I did the good for, but by someone else. I will be blessed.
Things are going amazingly well even WITH OW still in the picture. When I take her out, ignore her and just look at my H, I see lots of positives, lots of little things that weren’t happening a few months ago…or maybe they were but my focus was elsewhere . I am doing great, oh I have my difficult days, times, etc., but those are outnumbered by all the good and wonderful things, the little things my H is doing. When I stop focusing on what he’s not doing, what he’s not saying, but instead LISTEN very carefully to what H is saying, pay attention to what H is doing, I see him coming closer to me.
We had a date a week ago and it was fun, it reminded me of when we first started dating except there were no secrets, we were ourselves. I’m not a big drinker, but had a couple Capt.Morgan/Coke’s…yummy. I usually stick to beer and after I had a few of the mixed drinks KNOW why I don’t drink them…they go down like soda! Gimme an ice cold beer and I am very happy and one is all I want.
I’ve found a church to attend, it’s different than the church I attended while growing up which means I will probably upset some of my family who won’t understand why I am choosing this church. My H wanted to know why I picked it and I replied “what church do you attend?” H says he prays in the woods…for a big buck to shoot. Then said he talks to God all the time and why do I need to go there. I said I’m fine reading the bible and you’re right I don’t think a person has to attend church, but that I wanted our S to get involved. The church I chose is one he attended a few times with #2 and her “whacko friends”, which I just found out, so I think his issues are more with #2 and not me and is worried they will brainwash me or something. H said they’ll make you quit watching TV and they’ll call you all the time. He did say that their Xmas service was very nice and had nothing but good to say about that, then commented on everyone confessing to everyone about their lives, their sicknesses and how they were healed. Then wanted to know why people run to God when in crisis and I replied to H “He came to me” to which H had no smart remark and a lot of times it's what happens when people are at the end of their rope, at death's door they find God.
H has been a little more open on his whereabouts, not completely as he is in teenager mode other times. Left me a note last Friday to let me know he was going hunting, and I can’t remember the last time he left me a note, but then forgot to come home(and I know where he was). He took his cellphone charger with him which I didn’t notice till later in the evening. The note was a mixed message of some type, meaning he left the note, took the charger so wasn’t planning on coming back from hunting. Although the note said “gone hunting” but didn’t say for how long as he did go hunting the next day.
We had a good weekend, we are clicking in so many ways, yet there are still walls up by him and by me..like we’re both afraid to open up too much. He's so afraid I'll leave him, that I really don't want him, his self esteem is still low yet at other times, he's boasting about the fact that he's able to get away with being married and having a girlfriend..yeah I know.
It’s his life, he has decisions to make, can’t for some reason and still is looking for me to decide or when I start to maybe push a little WANTS me to decide. We’ve been talking a lot lately, but H isn’t quite getting it, isn’t to the point where he can give up OW. It’s very clear to me he’s using her and she’s too stupid to see that. She’s like a groupie in a way..ready to give everything, include years out of her life, to a man who isn’t going to give her very much in return.
I think it was Ellie who said H’s love language was quality time and it’s beginning to sink in, H wants my full attention. I’m there for him when he has doc appt., funerals, when he needs major emotional support I am the one he turns to. I’m a great helper, not great at anticipating H’s needs at all times, but I am getting better, but he is asking me which is huge, he wouldn’t have done that in the past, I would have to just KNOW.
When I look back to this summer and look at now, my have things changed. My H has changed I see the changes, but I think I’ve changed more and the changes have stuck. My changes are creating his changes, just like HB said! It just takes time and patience…. and patience…and patience…and more patience!!
