I’ve been some thinking about the OW, the OW’s antics, the way OW reacts to my H. In looking back, H told OW we were going out to eat for our anniversary, back then I was more like why did you tell her that, why are you telling OW what we do together? Now I’m thinking, WHY did he tell her that? Was he trying to get a reaction out of her push her buttons, push her away? Then OW knowing I was coming along with H to his fishing tournament in August, seeing us together and how OW reacted, sending food and flowers to H’s jobsite, waiting for H after work. OW reacts by pursuing, in desperation and in acting on her emotions of the moment. Not thinking for one minute of anybody but herself and what she wants, selfishness at it’s finest, desperation at it’s worst, trying to escape the pain that will eventually hit her full in the face.

This is something that’s been making it’s way to my mind, to my consciousness. It’s something that makes me believe circumstances are changing with H and OW. The attraction of the OW, the addiction isn’t the same as it was when this all started. The craving is still there, the need for a “fix,” but it’s not as strong and afterwards it’s not doing what it used to do, the high isn’t there. H’s drug of choice, the OW, isn’t the same anymore, he needs something different, he’s beginning to feel good about himself without the drug. I don’t think it’s a comfortable feeling for my H, this feeling good about himself. He’s still feeling comfortable not liking himself, it’s what he’s used to feeling, it’s more natural. So this new feeling, this new concept is a huge struggle, I think he’s fighting it because it’s making him aware of his actions.

I’m sensing/feeling that his noshows aren’t these wonderful evening of bliss and happiness at OW’s....that they might be something that H endures, because he doesn’t know how to get rid of OW, at least for now and isn’t ready to give up the drug completely. I’m beginning to see a new perspective on this OW and that she is not the threat that she was at the beginning and that in time OW will fade away. I do believe what goes around comes around.

I think a seed has been planted in my H, it’s going to need time to grow. Right now I have no idea how long it will take or what he will grow into either. I’m beginning to feel that I am the lead for my H, I’m the person he’s watching, kind of like my S4 watches me, gages how he can play me, how I react to his antics, yet S4 knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. Consistency and patience. Although with S4 the patience is work in progress. He’s very trying and I’m afraid I’ve let things with him progress too far, where my H knows not to throw things when he’s mad, S4 hasn’t quite figured that out or how to control himself either. S4 knows he’s doing it, but told me that he didn’t know how to stop himself.

For the last two weeks, since his return from hunting/vacation, H has been acting strange, well I don't know if H would call it strange, but when I ask him questions he either ignores me or makes something up. Like last night I asked if he'd talk to his brother T lately and he said no and and I said you mean he didn't help put up signs with you on Sunday and H said no. I asked H who helped and he reluctantly named the other guys and then said T was there Then H was telling me about a coworker who was going on vacation and I asked him a questions and he made up an answer, I know it was made up because it was absurd...it's like he doesn't want me to ask him any questions. I can talk to him, tell him a fact or something I heard and then he might respond, but not to questions. Last night he wasn't home when S4 and I got home from work, he had been there, but left and I hadn't heard from him all day. He doesn't call me at work unless he has a specific question, his cell phone was shut off yesterday...it's like he's withdrawing from me in some ways, but not like he used to, if that makes sense. He's being kind, considerate, doing acts of service for me.

Last night we were laying in bed together and I told him about this guy who got his 10th DWI..and H said something like, my first DWI would be my last becuase I'd quit drinking. I've been driving drunk too long. Then he said "I'm thinking about quitting drinking anyways" said it's too hard on his stomach, he does get huge stomach pains and spend most of the day in the bathroom and said he's tired of feeling junky the next day. Silently I praised the Lord. I know "thinking about it is" a long way from quitting, but he IS thinking about it, reflecting on it..he said something the other day about anger and reacting to our S4, which kind of floored me. S4 has a temper and H was telling him about how reacting can make things worse.

It is starting to bother H that S20 spends a lot of his freetime drinking heavily and sleeping the day away. He's in college, it's what they do here and S20 is sucked up into that. He has another year of school and I told H that it'll be out of is system, S20 will be in the real world. Yet I'm thinking MIL is an alcoholic, H has had a problem with alcohol, T told us once he drinks a 12pack a night, now this was quite awhile ago.

My H is a deep thinker, he's not stupid and is sounding like he is aware of other's behavior. Now if he's seeing himself in other's behaviors, that I'm not quite sure of. H never shares the deeper side of himself with me or anybody else that I know.

Things are turning for me, for us.

Cathy