Hey Pamila!!

Thanks for checking in on me. An update is due yet I just find it hard to compose my thoughts and put them to words, it’s a struggle.

H’s mood last this week was touch and go, push a button, come close, button push. Wednesday he was a no-show and it really wasn’t too surprising. H was gone for two week so I’m sure OW was pressuring and H ended up at OW’s and not coming home.

I was so peaceful though, nothing threw me and I slept the best that I had since H has been back. My H is gets up a few times during the night which usually wakes me, but not that night I slept great.

The next morning I get a call from my H, he’s in angry man mode . He was putting up hunting signs the night before, “it was hot, I didn’t’ have the right clothes on” and just No his other partners didn’t help H, but then H never asked them either. Then he asks me why I didn’t call him, did I call him at OW’s?! I said no, why would I call him, he’s the one who didn’t come home. Asked him if was going to his doc appt. at three, he said yes he was and then he had to get off the phone. H calls back is still , wants me to look up these websites the describe what he has and the symptoms and the meds that he is on, basically negative and I’m sure the OW printed these out for him. I too had been looking on the internet. But said to him, why don’t you wait until you see the doc before you start getting all upset he then says yes he says that, and and a second later says to me “I have an appointment to see a surgeon today at 1:30 meet me there” WHAT THE?! His doctor decided he didn’t need to see H and sent H directly to the surgeon. H was just kind of in a frenzy and after that came out seemed to calm down. The surgeon wants to take a biopsy of a lymph node that is swollen so until that is done and the results are back there’ no use worrying about what it is what it isn’t, it could be a number of things at this point. So we met with the surgeon, together, H wanted me there with him. Oh he didn’t come out and actually say the words, but in his roundabout mad at the world way he did. We need to schedule an appt for H to be in the hospital for a day which hasn’t been done at this point.

Had a great weekend together, went out to eat Friday night with S4. Friday I got home from work and there is an envelope in the mail addressed to my H, using a typewritten label with no return address…duhhh I mean how stupid does OW think I am. Earlier this summer OW sent him something and it was handwritten and H was surprised that I recognized her handwriting. H opened it and I said those same words to him and then I left the room. Found it in the trash, H had stuffed towards the bottom (I used rubber gloves to look for it), it was another article about the disease! I mean talk about fueling the fire, my H is nervous enough as it is about all of this and I have to counteract it all by not reacting.

Saturday morning H went fishing with a co-worker of OW’s. We also ran into C earlier this summer at a fair while we were together. C likes to fish and so does my H and they’re fishing together in a tournament this Saturday. C picked H up at our house and then when they got back, came in a for a bit. C seems like a nice guy, is married with a couple of kids. Went outside when they first got back, and said Hi to C, not sure how to describe the look in his eyes, of interest maybe?

H and I and another couple went to a tailgate/college football game and then out to dinner Saturday afternoon/evening we had a great time. I introduced my H to a number of co-workers, in the past I was really bad about not introducing my H to my co-workers. This is going to sound terrible but deep down I was embarrassed to be seen with H, but the embarrassment was about my own insecurities. However, THAT has all changed thank goodness. I want to introduce H to my whole world!!

I had a great time H wouldn’t say either way and I didn’t ask either. It felt so good to be with my H, we haven’t been out together with friends in well, I can’t even remember the last time. Told him I was happy he came and that I had a good time.

Yesterday I was reflecting on some things about my H. In the past he complained/whined that he didn't have any friends here. His hometown is where his lifelong friends are and this was a sore point, that we lived here and all my freinds/family were close by, but his weren't (less than an hour away). Well he has collected quite a few friends in the last year which does make me happy, brings me comfort. Takes the pressure off from me in a way, although my H still has a hard time with me going places without him, with friends, etc. It's his problem not mine, more of a control thing I'm guessing.

Today was very relaxing. H bought S4 a bow so S4 has been practicing shooting, he loves it. S4 and I went to my parents and got pumpkins and colored corn from H’s field, Sis and niece were there, also. What a sight when we got there, my sister was driving the tractor..we had such a great time!! H was back putting up signs, but had the help of his other hunting partners. When H got home last night he wasn’t feeling very good about himself, comes out in different ways, no patience, seems angry. H doesn’t affect me anymore, I don’t let his mood become my moods. I’m detached in a way I never thought possible a year ago.

More Later.

Cathy

The more I pray, the more I receive, the more I speak with the Lord the more he shows me, the more he reveals to me. God is good.