I think it's been me all along, but I’ve always been afraid to take that risk, to let people REALLY see me. I think I'm finding a new strength in me.
Was reading an article on R's in the new Oprah magazine (I rarely by her mag either), by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, an excerpt from their new book called "Receiving Love" which is due out in October. It just struck me like a bolt of lightening and will probably change my life, once again:
Our parents invariably rejected some aspects of us, either through criticism (don’t act that way) or inattention (ignoring, say, our anger or ambition, or even certain interests and talents). When this happens we split off those parts of ourselves and hide them in our conscious. But although we seal them off as dangerous and bad, they never go away, instead they form what Harville and LaKelly call a “missing self” "Over time we deny our needs and replace them with defenses. Then when someone values us, we have to reject him or her. To let ourselves be cherished for who we really are would be to violate our parent's edict that we are flawed, and to arouse our fear that if we do, feel, or think certain things, we'll be neglected and abandoned--in the most primal sense, left to die. So to receive love is to risk death. This drama plays out because the part of our mind that holds the parental injunction is timeless-today is the same as yesterday. None of this is conscious, but the bottom line is that we reject love in order to stay alive"
This is what I'm struggling with, trying to break free of this week, right now, today. It’s not that I didn’t know this, haven’t read it before, it just now makes sense, I get it. When I wrote that I had a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings out there for people to see I described it as a cringing feeling because I couldn't quite put a word to it, well the word is "dying", I wanted to run from myself, I wanted to die..it HAS now been brought to my consciousness, from deep within that feeling has been identified. It’s a physical ache, I’ve identified what it’s from and now have to push through that feeling or just let it be there and not let tha feeling keep me from being me. My self has been focussed inward for too long and now it's time to go outward. How will I do this? With the help of the Lord. I believe he has shown this to me, has given me this revalation and will give me the strength to no longer hold back and keep silent, rather gently show me the way to find my missing self, to let that self, my true self be who I am from this day forward.
I think too that this is where my H is stuck, in his childhood..I know MLC….it finally is clear to me. H will have to go back and confront those demons, those issues, just like I am doing now and put them to rest. It will take him time and my leaving him alone to find HIMSELF, letting go and letting God. I pray for H daily, to bring God into his life, for my H to find his missing self.
