Well I am overwhelmed by your replies, truly I really do mean that. That there are others out there that have had the Lord touch their lives like he has mine. I hesitated about writing about the way the Lord has entered my life as I know not everyone has the same beliefs, has that same connection, nor feels they need that connection to God--for me it's what works. I do believe that everyone should be in touch with their spirituality, acknolwedge that there is a higher source out there, another dimension to our lives, that it’s just not about US and OUR lives...if you know what I mean and my hand is up there, too!
I remember when I first started posting I would read threads and see words like “Lord” “God” and immediately click out of that thread—I didn’t want anything to do with those words. The God I remember from childhood was not a forgiving God and Hell loomed closer than Heaven. Letting him into my life didn’t just happen over night, I believe he’s been there all along trying to get my attention, and more importantly trying to get me to butt out of his business…fixing my H or anybody else I thought I was supposed to fix.
It was very hard for me to post what I wrote. It took me two days to get all my thoughts together in away that made sense so that hopefully they would make sense to others and from the response, I think I pulled it off. Putting my thoughts to words doesn’t flow naturally from me, it’s work. Letting people see the REAL me is not something I do well either. I went back and forth on whether I should post my feelings at all and then after I posted it I regretted it. I put off reading anyone’s post for quite some time. Thinking to myself why does anybody care about what I have to say, I’m saying the same thing everybody else does when they do finally “get it”
Putting my thoughts and feelings out there is a big step for me. I’m still absorbing the fact that I touched other people with my words. That maybe it’s what I need to do more often, to put myself out there, to be vulnerable and not REGRET doing it. That it will help those new to this process, so that they can see the pain, the grief doesn’t have to go on forever, and to realize that they too can get to this place. I am no different than anybody else when I started my journey and boy did I have major pitstops and blowouts along the way. But my crew, my fellow DB’ers, managed to put me back together again and send me on my way. And who knows what else is along the way moving forward.
So here I sit at work crying, again. My emotions the last month have been so near the surface, on the top, that anything that touches my heart chokes me up. Can’t figure out why, maybe it’s all the tears I didn’t cry while growing up, all the emotions that have been buried for so long are finally coming to the surface. Who knows. I did find something out a few weeks ago, which was a rather interesting observation about my body. That the gut wrenching sobbing I did involves using the same muscles as when I’m having a bellylaugh with my son. I just find that rather fascinating.
