Thought I’d start this thread and see where it goes. I’m still around the BB, lurk mainly. When my last thread locked, it was for a reason. When my department’s offices were moved into our new building not too long after my thread locked, I went to bring up the internet and my DB bookmark had disappeared, it was very strange it was my only bookmark that was gone. So these two signs were telling me to take a break and at that time I turned everything over to the Lord. (I have maintained contact with Vinlad and she is a blessing to me). The Lord has shown me some amazing things these last few weeks, given me miracles and revelations about things in my past. Where I looked at the circumstances one way, He had me look at them another way and everything looked different. I’m finding I can look at my past without all the emotions, the feelings, look at everything as an observer. When you turn your life over to the Lord, he gives you a new heart and your pasts sins, misdoings, are forgiven, your slate is wiped clean. So you start over new and that has allowed me to go back and view my life up to the bomb.
My previous threads are all out there, but that person has evolved and her H is back home and I know why. He doesn’t though, still trying to figure that out for himself.
Bomb dropped in April of 2003, H moved out after I told him to go to OW. In looking back it was the best thing that every happened to me and the worst thing that ever happened to me.
H hadn’t been happy for months, maybe years, I was just to absorbed in my own life that I didn’t understand what he meant nor did I really care all that much. I was in my own pain and when two people are hurting, are in pain, well they sure don’t know how to help anyone else, they want someone to help them, they want their pain to end. My H went outwards to the world, drinking and staying out all night, found someone to end his pain. How could I help him, I couldn’t even help myself, I just wanted the pain, everything to end. So I can see how we were on a parallel path to a head on collision. My pain was so much that I knew we were headed for something, that the anger, the bitterness, was just too much for both of us that we COULD not go on living in such pain. When the bomb dropped, I remember being a little relieved, yes he did the thing that would end any marriage, had an affair, but it didn’t really change anything, it didn’t make me want to end the marriage… for long anyway. And it started my journey, my journey to wholeness and enlightenment.
H moved in with OW and stayed with her till January of this year (9 months). Throughout all of this H never moved completely out of the house, his mail continued to come here, he paid daycare for our son and also half the mortgage. He gave us meat, he provided for us the old fashion way by going out to hunt and bring back food—to his family. I went to his family functions, we went together once in awhile, but for the most part H has boycotted any family functions. His really important things stayed in our home during the time he was gone. H’s important things are his deer mounts, bear rug, elk sheds, mounted fish, trophies of his manhood and they stayed here. His other world stayed separate from our world. OW was never a part of our family, H’s family for that matter. OW was introduced to our S4 once and only once in May of 2003. H openly admitted many times “he didn’t know what he was doing, where he would end up” to me and OW and therefore agreed that S4 should stay out of this and was kept out of H’s world the whole nine months. To this day S4 didn’t know H was living somewhere else or that he was living with OW, S20 knew about her but has never met her either.
H’s world was his MLC world, his replay world. Where he could drink a lot, act however he wanted to act. There was heavy drinking, there were fist fights, H lived in a world of pain and escape, H still is but not as bad as it was a year ago.
H moved back home in January of this year, still in replay, has talked about moving out many times since he came back home, but has not. Thinks he’s just here for our S, I have set him free many times, yet he still remains here. OW is his “go to”place, where he goes when he can’t handle his emotions/his feelings, it’s his hiding place.
My life is about faith and believing and not giving up. Situations where I took the easy way out in the past, and I don’t mean it was emotionally easy, it was painful, I now see that faith could have turned things around or that the circumstances could have turned out differently. There are two ways to do things, the earthly way or God’s way and God’s way is always the right way, even though it may not be the easy way. But the Lord will provide all and not put on you more than you can bear. He also has control over Satan in this same way.
Too many times I put my faith in a person, made my life about a person, not God. And if anyone is close to God then they know He can work miracles. When I think of my sitch now, my circumstances, faith is pulling me through. This has not been an easy journey, the lessons haven’t been easy, but the hard stuff, the pain, the grief I can get through it. I press through it and come out the other side stronger and little by little a more whole person. I’m beginning to feel balanced, there’s a joy and a peace that can only be found by knowing the Lord. See the Lord will always be with me, he will always be there for me, he is a constant in my life. People will come and go, people will not always be there for me, people are not perfect, people are going to fail me, say things that hurt me, and it’s because WE are not perfect, so a part of me, a small part of me will always be held back. In my M, my R with my H I did keep a little part of me back, just because I knew nothing was forever, just couldn’t put everything I had into one person. Now I see that holding a little of me back was the God thing to do and I just didn’t know it at the time.
If anyone read my last few posts before the lock monster hit, you remember I was at my wits end, I was at the bottom, I was BEAT. The frustration I felt seemed to be feeding my frustrations, my circumstances were becoming unreal. I was READY to call it quits, I cried most of that day, it was probably the worst day and the hardest of this whole mess and I couldn’t figure out why. Driving home from work I told God I couldn’t do this anymore, I wanted to move on, I wanted MY life in order and I would suffer the consequences when I moved on. I wasn’t done learning my lessons and if you move on before that you will have to go through things again…I didn’t want to do that either, but was ready to put an end to the madness, the limbo. I wanted relief, some calm. Then something happened, I WAS able to go on and I have been ever since and the peace is there. I let H go completely, it’s his life, his mess, he has to clean it up. I can be here for him when he needs to talk, to try to make some sense out of his life. I have to put my feelings, my emotions, my pain everything aside for now and be there for my H. His words no longer have the same affect on me as before. He is just a man, a person. My H’s life has been a roller coaster ride since way back when and he is the way he is today because of his past. He will have to look at it at some point, make peace with his past before he can heal. His journey will not be over for awhile I feel.
H is still in replay. The OW is one desparate lady and is pulling out all the stops. I know that in the end she will push my H back to me, but WHEN that will happen I don’t know. It will all be in God’s timing not my timing. I’ve managed to rise above my circumstances and not let my day to day life be affected by what my H does or what OW is up to anymore. In doing that I’m seeing other areas of my life that need some letting go and letting God. I’m able to be at work emotionally and mentally now and I see that I have a whole lot of work to do on my work relationships. A few weeks ago I couldn’t sleep one night, H was home with me and while I lay there tossing and turning my anxiety was about work, not about H and OW, but about WORK, now folks that hasn’t happened in months, many, many months!!
I’ve been codepedent most of my life, an enabler, thinking I had to fix other’s problems, that because if they couldn’t/wouldn’t be happy then I couldn’t be happy either or thought I should suffer. My job is not to fix people, that’s the man upstairs job. Joyce Meyer has a book called “Managing your Emotions” and she explained being codependent in a way that I finally understood. And now I see that I’m that way with a lot of people, have been since way back. My eyes have been opened in a way I never thought possible and I’m finding ME. Not really sure who I am, or maybe I do know who I am, just learning to be that person everyday and bringing that person out into the open. Taking my real thoughts and feelings and letting them be my real thoughts and feelings, not bringing them out to show another person and then have that person tell me they are wrong or that I shouldn’t have those feelings and then BELIEVING them. I guess I was valuing other people’s thoughts and feelings more than I was valuing mine. I was living somebody else’s life.
My H is on a two week hunting trip, came back yesterday from Canada. Now S20 and him are on their way to Colorado to elk hunt for a week. I was at a football game with a friend, S4 was at my sis’s, and H called me right as the game started to let me know he’d be home in a few hours. I watched the game with my friend, towards the end I started getting antsy thinking I needed to leave so that I wouldn’t miss H before he left again, he’s going to think I don’t care, he’s going to be mad, make it about me. But the Lord told me to relax enjoy the game, that things would work out, that S4 would get to see his dad before he left again. We were here for a little bit with H and S20 before they left on their hunting trip. H and I hugged goodbye..I hugged him before he left for Canada but he didn’t hug back, today H hugged me back!! I hugged S20 too, don’t hug him that often usually when he’s going on vacation for awhile, and they left. Well I wonder what the neighbors thought with all that hugg’n going on out in broad daylight! I mean the nerve…they should keep that stuff inside. Makes us feel guilty! LOL
S4 and S20 are doing fantastic. They are two awesome boys, there is a huge age gap, but to see them together you wouldn’t think there was no age gap at all, they are brothers who even fight.
I am living my life, enjoying my life, every day, every minute and it is a great life no matter what the circumstances! It always has been. Other people know my sitch, see me doing what I’m doing yet not understanding what I’m doing nor why I’m doing it. H’s friends, co-workers are witness to OW’s madness and just shake their heads and laugh at my H, but I bet they’re secretly thanking God their lives aren’t so messed up and go home and treat their spouse a little bit nicer, a little more special. The thing that surprises me is that people who are married, that don’t understand why I’m doing this or why I would want to save this marriage. Until they are in the situation they really don’t know how they would react either. I was one of those people and was I surprised when I decided my marriage was worth saving and it was in fact something I wanted more than anything else.
