I'm in a very similar situation. This is the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. H and I were already in a "I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't know if I want to stay married and work on things or not" kind of limbo land. Then the night before last I found out he was having an affair. Turns out it's been about a year. It's not just s*x. He says he has "feelings for her that he should have for me but doesn't." I told him that he couldn't stay living here and seeing her, he had to make a choice. Wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do (probably not based on all the "expert" books) but last night he basically ended it with her and is willing to try. Although he said it's "not what he wants." Geez...keep twisting the knife in my heart, why dont ya. I know it's probably not what the book(s) suggest, but it worked for me. I played the "kids card" and really the only reason he's here trying is for the kids. Otherwise he would've left. He's afraid of regrets - afraid that things won't work out with us and then he won't have her anymore either. He was having such a hard time "making the decision" that when I found out and told him he had to decide NOW, he finally did it. I told him he had much more to lose by staying with her. What if she didn't work out? Then he would've lost his whole family. Much more to lose than someone he's been with for a year - we've been together 18 1/2 years! (M 15yrs) and have 2 kids together. Never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. I pray for strength every day, many times a day.
Hang in there. It's going to be a very difficult road, I know. But I'll get through it and you'll get through it - somehow. I now know that the emotional part of the A is much more difficult to deal with. If it was just s*x or just a fling, that would be a lot easier to deal with. But this....so incredibly painful and difficult. Oh, and the other good thing? Apparently SHE also told him that he should give it a 2nd chance for the sake of the kids and that she didn't want to be the reason we split up (that one sounds typical, though).
