My H and I have come a long way. We have continued to ML once or twice a week, and I am thrilled with the quality. We are laughing and connecting more than ever before, and even experimenting a little bit. In our case, sheer frequency is a meaningless figure of merit. My H has told me repeatedly, and in many different ways, that it takes a lot of effort for him to make himself emotionally available during sex. That he is doing so is something I appreciate very much. Last week, when we were ML, I saw an expression on his face that I have not seen for a very long time. My H has a special smile for me, one that is a mixture of love and exasperation. When I looked up from what I was doing, I saw that lazy smile and his half-closed eyes, and realized in an instant both how distant we had become, and how far we have come in the last three months.
Our conversations, and even relationship talks are relaxed. We are both less defensive, able to laugh at ourselves and able to tell it as it is. This weekend, we drove about 4 hours away to visit my sister and her family. This gave us some time to chat along the way. The kids even co-operated by sleeping most of the way!
After reading all the discussions regarding desire, passion and arousal on the forum, I asked my H a very open-ended question about how he would describe his own sexuality, and how I fit in. He started out saying that I give him more credit for thinking deeply about these things than is due, and he is really pretty shallow. He told me that sex was something he thought about and fantasized about a lot in the early years, but over time, it has diminished in importance. He listed the physical attributes that turn him on – big boobs, a nice butt, generous curves, dark hair, among some other things. He says I fit in perfectly well because I have all of those attributes. This it true - he pretty much described me to a tee He told me that it is not common for him to walk by me, or any attractive woman, for that matter, and be instantly turned on. He said that provocative clothing helps, and made some suggestions to me. Basically, he is not saying anything new. His arousal threshold is a lot higher than mine, his drive is mostly physical and he needs strong visual stimulus. When I used those words with him, he teased me about whether that is what the books say? When we can laugh about what the books say, progress has been made!
My H told me that he really appreciates the fact that I am trying to understand and accept him, and that a lot of women would have thrown up their hands in the air and left. He accepted that he had been putting me on the bottom of his list for a long time. He told me that his sex drive was lower than when he was a teenager, and I had nothing to do with that part of it. But he also said that for long stretches of time, he simply did not enjoy sex with me because of who I had become, and the state of our relationship. He told me that he has always admired my drive and ambition, but somewhere along the way, he started to resent the fact that I was pushing him and trying to change him. He told me that he does not feel inadequate. On the contrary, he has accepted his strengths and weaknesses, and feels comfortable in his own skin. I believe this to be true. When I first met my H, he was an 18-year old boy, unsure of himself. It took him longer to find himself, within the confines of our relationship, but he eventually did. Today, I have tremendous respect for him, not only because he is successful by any standards and did it at his own pace, but also because he had the quiet confidence and strength to draw his line in the sand long before I did. Despite what he says, he is far from shallow.
He told me that he no longer feels like he is ‘giving in’ because he sees that I am genuinely trying to make some changes in myself. I do still believe he is withholding, not sex necessarily, but he is withholding himself because he is not ready to be vulnerable yet. We both agreed that it will take us some time to rebuild trust, and we are both playing ‘wait and watch’ to some extent. And yes, he said that he does enjoy sex very much now, lol!
For my part, the needy behaviors were laughably simple to cut out once I made the conscious effort to do so. Most of it was just sheer habit.
Our emotional connection is slowly coming back. We are both stopping to appreciate the things that we do actually do for each other, instead of constantly trying to prove that we were each doing more for the relationship. My H is seeking me out more. A few days ago, he sat by my bedside and ran his fingers through my hair when I woke up in the morning. Yesterday, at my sister’s, he told me to sleep in because I had been up with the baby at night. When I woke up and wandered into the kitchen, he opened his arms wide for a hug, in front of other family members. These are small gestures, but tremendous in significance because they had been missing for a long time. Sometimes, it is really hard to know just how bad things have become until they are restored.
I asked him what it was specifically that got through to him this time. I thought the answer might be useful for other people here. He told me that it was two things. He realized just how important this was to me when I shared with him that I was in deep pain and that I would consider leaving the marriage if something didn’t change. He realized why it was important to me when I described it from the love language point of view. The latter surprised me because I thought I had been trying to tell him that for years.
Currently, he just decides that he is going to do it and goes ahead. As NOPkins recently said, I am accepting this as an expression of his desire for me. I must add that once we get going, his desire, passion and urgency are unmistakable. I see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. Once we are done, he switches off just as quickly! I am starting to accept this too.
Many years ago, my H wrote to me ‘I find solace in your body, mind and soul, though not necessarily in that order.’ I thought I understood what he meant, but maybe its only now that I am beginning to get it.
J
PS. Tony, if you are lurking, I must tell you that I dared. I dressed up for him a couple of weeks ago. Fishnet stockings, as requested, and an outfit to go with it. For good measure, I tucked the condom into my thong. I have never seen my H sit up so quickly. He was verrrrry appreciative. He complimented me on my role-play. He jumped my bones again the next night and said. “Surprise, right backatcha.” He let me know in no uncertain terms that this did it for him. My sweet H….who would’ve thunk???? Guess I need to get in touch with my nasty side more.
He told me that it is not common for him to walk by me, or any attractive woman, for that matter, and be instantly turned on. He said that provocative clothing helps, and made some suggestions to me. 
