Quote: Why did you bring up the past stuff? Was it an attempt to illustrate to him that you are sufficiently self aware of the bad things that you have done that you will not repeat those patterns? If so, good. Did you do it to cleanse your conscience?
Both, but mostly because I wanted to tell him that I recognize a certain pattern of selfishness and disrespect in my interactions with him. This was not overt, intentional or constant, but it was there. He has tried to point it out to me in the past, and I never accepted it. I do now, and I wanted to apologize for it. Did it clear my conscience completely? No, only making sure that I do not repeat it will do that.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. This is what we do when we want things from our spouses and we don't know how to get them. It takes a while (if ever) to figure out that what we are doing is making things worse. I doubt there was ill intent on your part.
Quote: He’s scared, Tony, because he feels inadequate. He is afraid to give it his all, because wife (ver1.0) would have told him it was not good enough.
This gives me a better understanding of how the two of you got where you are. I can't speak from personal experience, but I think low desire in men is frequently related to their fear that they won't measure up in the eyes of their wives.
It reminds me of my own need to be patient and to recognize when my wife is behaving in ways that are positive and are moving in the right direction. She says that she is not physical, yet when I hug and kiss her now, she doesn't pull away, and she engages me more warmly. So even though she can't say that she will commit to me the way I want her to, her behavior is actually leading a little bit.
Your H articulates a dour vision of separateness. But he also acts like he is trying to get closer. It's more important to watch what he is doing, than to listen to what he is saying.
Quote: He offered me something, I always wanted more, and so I got nothing. This has been the pattern.
Still, if you recognize the little things that he is doing, he'll feel better about doing them, which will decrease the risk of backsliding. It's called positive reinforcement. Dog training is not a metaphor. It is what we are doing with both our spouses and our selves. Your H is not a dog, is he?
I'm sorry about all of the tough questions, but you give such thoughtful answers, they help me think more clearly about my own situation. Tomorrow morning, after I hug my wife, I will thank her for hugging me back.
Sincerely,
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
