You ask some tough questions. Keep ‘em coming. I don’t know if I have all the answers, but I’ll try.
Quote: What makes you sure he is witholding? Granted, sometimes people will punish each other in this fashion, but the reality is usually much more banal, like he just doesn't think of you sexually.
He thinks of me sexually. He thinks of me sexually less frequently than I think of him sexually. This I accept. I believe he is withholding because this is what he has always done, and he is telling me as much now. He has cracked open the door, but he is afraid that I am about to rush in and start redecorating the room, because that is what I have always done. Its going to take him some time to realize that I want to mostly just hang out with him and maybe convince him that he could use a big screen TV. I don’t plan on painting the walls or ordering all new furniture. How’s that for a terrible analogy?
Quote: Why did you bring up the past stuff? Was it an attempt to illustrate to him that you are sufficiently self aware of the bad things that you have done that you will not repeat those patterns? If so, good. Did you do it to cleanse your conscience?
Both, but mostly because I wanted to tell him that I recognize a certain pattern of selfishness and disrespect in my interactions with him. This was not overt, intentional or constant, but it was there. He has tried to point it out to me in the past, and I never accepted it. I do now, and I wanted to apologize for it. Did it clear my conscience completely? No, only making sure that I do not repeat it will do that.
Quote: Well he probably doesn't care unless he is a priest. No, wait, his libido is too low for him to be a priest
LOLOL
Quote: Why shouldn't he suspect your motives? You object that you only want him to meet you halfway, but this means he does have to change and you both know it.
He has every reason to suspect my motives.
My point is that he needs to examine his own responsibility in this. Until he does that, we will always remain at impasse. As long as he maintains that he is ‘giving in’, we are just a fine line away from backsliding.
He’s scared, Tony, because he feels inadequate. He is afraid to give it his all, because wife (ver1.0) would have told him it was not good enough. There is nothing I can tell him that will help him overcome this. He spent years telling me that there was no need for me to feel insecure, that he truly loved me just the way I was. It took a lightbulb to go off in my head before I started to accept it. He has to work toward his own lightbulb
I recognize that none of this will happen overnight. It takes time to make changes and build trust. We took many long years to get ourselves into this fine mess, it sure as hell is going to take more than 3 months to get out of it. I want to give us both all the time we need, but I also want us to go into it knowing that it will take work, that there’s is no quick fix.
He sees us on opposite banks of the river. But he needs to define where his bank is. How else can we draw any lines in the middle?
Quote: If I were you I would be alarmed that you have been miserable while he has been content with your marriage. It's the same marriage! !
I’m not alarmed. This is my honest H telling me his honest thoughts. He did say that he didn’t think it was right, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He offered me something, I always wanted more, and so I got nothing. This has been the pattern.
Quote: Is he really so emotionally disconnected with you that your misery has no effect on him? How can you emotionally connect with him? Maybe if he can emotionally connect with you, change will make more sense for him.
I am taken aback by this question, because I never thought we were that emotionally disconnected. Maybe we have been. But I think its getting better. He has made a lot of changes. I come here to vent, so sometimes I tend to focus on the negatives.
You know, my brain is so cooked that my libido seems to have gone south. Earlier this week, when he initiated LM, I was very ambivalent. He spent a couple of minutes nibbling my face while I struggled with my feelings. Finally, I decided to ‘Just do it’, and he met me more than halfway with his desire, passion and compassion. so, yes, he is trying very hard.
