Quote:

I told him that I was very hopeful. He told me that he wasn’t. He said that he sees us on opposite banks of the river, and that I am trying yet again to change him. His analogy is that I am conditioning the line to try and increase its bandwidth. He said that he will only allow it to go so far before he will snap again.




What smart Hs we have! I think he is telling you that he believes that you still haven't given him a choice. You are handing him a trick penny that will come up "head" or "tail" every time.( Someone must give me credit for the worst pun ever ). He thinks you are being manipulative rather than differentiated.

If I were you (By recommending this action, I am giving you credit for being less of a wimp than me), I would make it completely clear to your H that you have options for happiness that do not include him choosing to have sex with you. I don't mean that you should taunt him or describe Hank at midnight in detail, just honestly express that you are at a juncture which makes it necessary for you to make some choices for your future happiness. Tell him that your first choice for your future would be the two of you cooperating in working towards a passionate marriage, but staying in a SSM is not choice 2 or even 3,4,5 as far as you're concerned. I didn't come right out and say this to my H but I believed it and eventually he came to believe it too (I think this happened at about 3 PM on Monday. Then he tried to talk himself out of it and tried to call my bluff by turning off his cell phone, but my cards were on the table and the game was over).

By taking your share of the blame for your past problems, you threw some more cash on the pot of emotional connection between the two of you, but you're going to have to show your hand sooner or later.

This was a rather lame analogy. I think the one about the little girl that I posted on SM's thread was much better.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver