Next level?

[MJontheMend]

I hear what you're saying Corri. I guess it always sux to be the "fixer". I was just trying to get into your H's head from an HD perspective. Obviously you already know what I was trying to tell you.

If my H cannot do what he needs to do to meet me half-way, I cannot do a single thing about it. I think it is lovely that you all somehow seem to think that I can...

We are a lovely bunch of coconuts, aren't we ? I am in complete empathy with you. If you think that your H has a clear idea of what exactly you expect from him because you have revealed all there is to reveal then I would say that you and I have basically found ourselves in the same place in the process. You might as well relax because there isn't much else you can do. If you truly meant it when you said that you "cannot do a single thing about it" then your job is done. There is nothing left for you to "fix".

Right now all I can do is pick up the phone and listen supportively to the sound of dropped hammers and gnashing gears as my H tries to "fix" himself. My H will be a better H and a better man if he is able to "fix" his tendency to let anxiety inhibit his sex drive. Your H will be a better H and a better man if he is able to 'fix" his tendency to let fear inhibit his ability to experience intimacy. I'm sorry if I suggested that it is your responsibility to reduce the fear that your H experiences. I'm sure that this would be as impossible for you to do as trying to reduce my H's anxiety directly has been for me.

For some reason, I always find dog analogies work really well when talking about husbands. In one of my dog training manuals, the expert said that you should never try to comfort your dog when it shows fear in a situation that shouldn't be frightening. By comforting the dog, you are giving it the message that there is something to fear but you will protect it. If instead you just proceed as though the dog is behaving in a ridiculous fashion and make clear your expectations regarding the dog's behavior in such a situation, the dog will soon get over it's fear and behave in the manner you expect in order to please you. Of course many dogs exhibit fear by becoming aggressive, so you have to be brave in the face of this behavior also.

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you and I have read all the dog training manuals in the library and we know just what we should do, but we still have to have a bit of patience while our dogs go through the learning curve. There is a tendency to want to give up and just tell yourself that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you're showing a lack of faith in yourself as well as your H if that's your attitude.

I know that it seems like I am contradicting myself by saying that there is nothing left for us to "fix" and at the same time casting us in the role of dog trainers, but the way to get around this contradiction is by stating that I think the thing that we needed to "fix" was the fact that we were two of the worst dog handlers in town. Now that we have graduated Magna "Cum" Laude from the SSM/PM school of dog training and have confidence in our abilities, we have to have faith that even if our dogs sometimes seem like a couple of bad-tempered, woebegotten mutts, we can still count on a future with a pleasant slipper-fetching jogging companion who (in your case) wags his tail and licks your face when you come in the door or (in my case) is a star performer in the stud field.