Quote: On the other hand, if he opens himself up and tells you he loves you and lets you see just how important your desire is to him and you still reject him, he would be devastated.
You mean in the same way it would devastate someone to turn themselves inside out, give all they had to give for a year, ask and ask and ask and ask and ask for help and encouragement to keep it going and not get it because it's 'too hard' and then have that same person look you in the eye and tell you that your best just isn't good enough? Yeah, I can imagine just how much that would hurt.
What you've described above is called 'fear of rejection' and in with that, is 'fear of abandonment.' It's what our shrink told my H leads him to self-sabbotage, and you are right, it is a very scary thing to have to face within yourself. Unfortunately, I CAN'T FIX IT FOR HIM, and my H has known for years what the name of his demons are.
I understand all of the suggestions you are trying to make, but I am NOT a masochist. If my H cannot do what he needs to do to meet me half-way, I cannot do a single thing about it. I think it is lovely that you all somehow seem to think that I can...
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have learned that giving my H all the sex he could want does NOT solve our problem. It allows him to avoid his problem because I am doing all the work. He's now got himself so busy, and so stressed and so tired that he has the PERFECT excuse not to work on us. We only have limited time with one another... so let's have sex!! And while I agree that sex is a wonderful way to connect, both people have to be present emotionally in order for that to occur.
IHJ, I understand, too, what you are saying, but we aren't even CLOSE to the next level.
Quote: If you want H to be more vulnerable, you are going to have to show him the way.
I'm sorry, but you have to be fcuking kidding me. Are you all listening to what you are asking of me?! I get to fix me, have as much sex as I can AND teach my H how to be emotionally vulnerable by SHOWING him the way?! So after I'm lying on the floor, sexually exhausted with my heart laid bare to him, what THEN do I have to do, have to give, when he says that all was great, but it just isn't enough and I'm so sorry I can't help you any more with this... you see, I fear making myself vulnerable, and I just really don't have the time. I'm not sure if I'm going to be home for dinner... I can give you access to my calendar if you wish... see you later.
Are you really saying that? If so, jesus... no wonder. Cause from where I am sitting, I'm thinking, honey, ya seem to have a problem, and if you want the problem to GO AWAY, then you are going to have to FIX it. While I will support you in your pursuit of solving that problem, I can't doing it for you. It is HIS choice.
