Quote: It sounds so selfish to me that someone would not do something just because they don't feel like it when the whole goal is to enhance the emotional connection between the two people.
I think it is very easy for HDs to see this when they are speaking of sex... how is this any different, though, when my H emotionally withholds from me?
I ask my H to fuel my emotional needs, but they continue to be ignored. Yet he feels completely justifed and expects me to meet his needs, even if I don't really feel like it. And I do... as much as I am able, while remaining true to myself.
For me to respond to: "You need to do me," in a sexual way is, for me, emotional mercy sex from him. That line does NOTHING to fuel my love tank or my physical desire. When I initiate sex with my H, I do the things I know he likes so he will respond to me. I do this because I have taken the time to know him. If I just lay there and say, 'you can have sex with me now,' he finds that disgusting. He'd rather just not do it... if I'm not 'into' it, what's the point?
So if he's not 'into' emotionally connecting with me, then all I can go on are my own feelings. He's not being held hostage, I am. For me to respond to half-azzed attempts at communication paralyzes me. I can either give up my needs and accept his emotional mercy sex, or I can say 'no' and be the bad guy for 'rejecting' him, because I'm supposed to know what he meant.
The only way through this labrynth, for me, is to be completely true to myself and what makes me happy. I can provide sex one to two times a week, and be really, really into it. That's what I need and prefer, physically, and I know some of his needs are being met in the process. If H wants sex more than two times a week, he's going to have to step up to the plate and do some things that maybe he doesn't want to do... like 'emotionally' inspire me... for then he is getting what he wants, and so am I.
In the absence of a willing partner, this is all I can do. Honey, Mo, does this address your posts as well?
Now Dazed, think about this. If you are gardening with your wife in hopes of getting sex... that's manipulative. If you are gardening because it makes you feel good about yourself for doing something that makes your wife happy, and you leave it at that... then that is giving.
