I figured out why the I'll have sex when I want to statement was bothering me. Not because you shouldn't do that (that is your prerogative, absolutely) but because instead of focusing on YOUR needs and what you want, it becomes a statement of "I will hold H's needs hostage if he doesn't step up to the plate". I think to effectively pull off the PM strategy, the other partner has to feel that you will go on without them in some fashion. Otherwise all they are going to hear out of the conversation is that their sadistic spouse is going to withhold until they cave. For instance, if I had said to H "Start having sex with me or else I will not respond when you initiate spiritual discussions" (which btw, he does every day), how do you think he would have responded? It just doesn't have the punch that it needs because it is a tit for tat scenario. Making the statement about your needs, and then following it through with action that doesn't involve him is the way to go, imo. What I did tell my H was: "Start having sex with me or I will either be getting two twin beds for our room, or moving into another room in the house." So I wasn't holding out on his needs, I was stating what my next move would be that would preserve MY sanity.
I think that a similar move from you would look something like this: Either agree to work on the intimacy and conversations with me, or I will be joining a club that meets 3 nights out of the week and you will be responsible for all household chores and kid duties by yourself.
As far as his job goes, yowza, that is a tough one. I personally would leave it alone for the time being. I think it is an ASPECT of your problem but not the whole thing, kwim? I believe that he would probably hold out on the intimacy regardless of his job activities because he seems to think that he is not capable of it. If you are wanting him to cut back on his responsibilities, I would frame it as you needing him fully THERE with the family and leave the sex and R stuff out of it. That's my opinion, anyhoo.
