Sorry, everyone, for posting and dashing, but I was out hob knobbing with the H yesterday and we got home about midnight.
Thank you, EVERYONE, for all of your responses. I've read them several times now and I'm letting it all soak in.
MPT, YES, I'd very much love your input. How you doin' woman? Great to hear from you!! Was that telepathy or what?!
MoJo:
Quote: Don't let your H's lame inability to express his emotions interfere with your progress in enjoying sex.
What if I said, don't let your H's lame ability to have sex interfere with your enjoyment of meaningful emotional connection. See what I mean? There's GOT to be giving on both sides of the equation in order for this to balance out, or at some point, somebody is going to crash and burn. However, the times of do I have sex, what you said above is exactly what I've been doing.
Since I've stopped keeping count and 'staying on top of things,' I'm sure our love life has dwindled back to 1 or 2 times a week. When I said that I make love when I feel like it... please undrestand that I am not 'withholding' from H. I'm not punishing him. I am paying attention to me, my needs and my emotions. This, as opposed to the 'Just Do It,' approach that Michele recommends. I think that phase is very important, kind of the same as using kindling to start a fire... but at some point you've got to add logs to the fire, or it goes out.
So when I want to enjoy sex, I have sex. Otherwise, I don't. See?
Quote: First of all, when you PM'd your H and asked for more intimacy, what was the "or else" part of the equation? Did he take that seriously?
What was my 'or else' part? Our sex life. Our relationship. My willingness and commitment to meet him half way in making it better than either of us thought possible. Did he take me seriously? No. Is he starting to? Maybe.
Like I said, we got home about midnight last night. H had not been feeling well on top of that. He gets in bed and I go out to walk the dog. When I come to get into bed, H says to me,
H: "you need to do me." (Now, he's half-joking, but he's 100% serious, if you know what I mean).
M: "I don't need to do anything."
H: "What is that anyway, that 'you do me' stuff."
M: It's in the book. You can read all about it if you like.
H: Whatever. Our sex life sucks. It always has and it always will.
LONG PAUSE
M: I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that you feel that way.
Since he's gotten these promotions at work and I've quit my job to be a SAHM and freelance, his contributions IN the house have stopped altogether. He mows the lawn. Do I mind? Not really, and I'm serious.... as long as he doesn't criticize me or my efforts. Then I tell him if he doesn't like the way I am doing something, he is more than welcome to step in and do it himself.
When we do stuff with the family together, it takes him a few hours to be able to disconnect from his work and start enjoying himself. Guys, understand that I am NOT mad at him for this, I am WORRIED about him. My H is a family man. He loves me and he loves his kids... he has the metabolism of a 10 year old... always moving, always going... now he comes home and falls asleep on the couch. All he talks about is work.... when he can talk. He doesn't MIND pitching in and helping me... he literally doesn't have time.
When I say the things to him that you all suggest... I think it's like throwing CeMar's Guide for LDs at them and expecting them to do it all at once... they feel so overwhelmed they just don't try anything at all.
Quote: The real root of the problem is that he does not value your needs as much as his own.
I think you hit it square on the head, NOP. This has ALWAYS been a problem for us. He does not think much of women, period. I can see it, but he'd deny that vehemently. I think my H adores me, but I don't think he has a CLUE how to show his love me any other way than he does. I think he can most certainly learn, but he just won't.
I'm almost thinking that his ramping up at work, when we had started planning for him to start 'coasting' so we could start doing the things we want to do, is an avoidance thing. When I asked him why he took this job, he said, "I really don't know. I think I wanted to see if I could rise to the challenge."
He's committed to this job for a year... it is an interim position. But it could very well stretch out to two or three years. He said he'll only do it for a year, but... there's no plan that we have to support this...
Shoot... I have to run. More thoughts later. Thanks guys, very much. Please keep writing.
