Hey, all, I could really use some input. You all know it is far easier to see what other people are doing in a situation than it is to see what you are doing in your own... so step right up and bust my chops, please.
Okay. For a year or so, H and I increased our sexual frequency, and at the one year point, I looked back at my calendar to see that we had done it 67 times, not including the BJs for him. I brought this up to him and was rather shocked when he got all surly with me and said that that wasn't nearly enough. Took the wind out of my sails, I'll tell you. We had a discussion and I asked him to try and be more encouraging with me, to self-disclose to me more, because if I wasn't feeling physcially inspired to ML, then he could take steps to emotionally inspire me.
Welp, that fell flat. He said, "do you know how hard that is for me?!" Shock, yet again. "Do I know how hard that is? Do you mean do I know how hard it is to look inside yourself and find the courage to face your own fears, doubts and insecurities and stretch yourself? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do know how hard that is."
So, I take some time and let this soak in. Something isn't right in Dodge, I know that, but it hasn't hit me yet, so I continue to muddle along.
I ask him to buy some books that I'd like him to read. He finally bought them and read one. (He got two, and I gave him PM). I really, really wanted him to read PM, but I didn't push it. It had to be his choice. We do eyes open Os, hugging til relaxed... he can do all of it... but something isn't feeling right. But I don't know what it is.
For his birthday in May, I gave him a sex coupon book. In addition to the other stuff, one said "one night I do you," and the other said, "one night you do me." He asked me what those to meant. I said, if you read PM you will know exactly what they mean, but I'm not going to do them until you find out for yourself." He said, "Okay, what page is it on?" I said, "you are going to have to find it yourself."
He still has those two coupons.
I finally figured out what had been eating at me, and I told him, "I'm not keeping count anymore. If I want to have sex, I'll have sex. If I don't, I'm not going to." This bugged him very much. When he asked me why, I told him it was because I am tired of being the "keeper" of the relationship. I had needs of my own that were not being met, and 'frequency' was not solving our issues. (It definitely helped, but it wasn't solving the problem.) He asked me what I meant.
I said, honey, if our relationship fell back into what it was, I can look you in the eye and say to you that I know exactly what I would need to do in order to get it back on track. You cannot do the same. You'd let it wither away into a divorce unless I stepped up to 'fix' it. In order to completely fix our issues, you have got to step up to the plate. I feel like I am playing a game of tennis by myself. I cannot and will not do it for you anymore.
He protested to this, of course, but I stood my ground. So he asked me for an example of what I meant by being 'emotinally inspired" to have sex. I said, "I would love it if you looked into my eyes and said to me, honey, I miss you and I'd like to be close to you. I want to ML to you."
He can say the "I want to ML to you" part, no problem. To include me in that sentence is virtually impossible for him to do. What I've figured out is, it is terrifying for my H to feel emotionally vulnerable. He has an unbelievable hard time telling me how he feels about me, how important I am to him. He uses ML to say all of this, but even during ML, he cannot expose or express the deepest parts of himself. I am held at arm's length, emotionally.
I don't hold this against him. I know how incredibly hard it is for him. The end of his first marriage nearly destroyed him and I don't think he ever planned on trusting or loving anyone like that ever again.
Now he has yet another promotion from work... he's VP over two divisions now and his stress level is WAYYYYY up there. When he gets home, he's mentally wiped out, and now we're back to him saying "how 'bout a quickie," or "how 'bout a BJ?" He doesn't have the time or the energy for anything else.
Now for the point of all of this... last night, we're laying in bed and he says to me, 'let's get our lovemaking back on track.' I say, okay, somewhat hopefully. And then he says to me, 'so, can we do a quickie?"
"No, I really don't want a quickie, but thanks."
I want more. I want it all. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly... not an emotional wall that makes sex, for me, routine and keeps it at the physical level. Do I have to have this all the time? Heck no... but...
The stuff that NOP talks about with he and his wife. You get there by communicating and being honest and listening to one another. My H says to me that he is busy, and tired and stressed and there is so little time... and I say, yeah, I know. NOP has time because he made time. He made some choices.
Do I begrudge my H his choices? No... of course I want him to do what he thinks he needs to do. They are HIS choices. But I do have to say, sexual frequency is great... but it doesn't get you to the next level... where it would never occur to either one of you to count how many times you did it in a week. On the next level, it doesn't matter...
Does anyone understand this? And what the hell do I say that I haven't said before, over and over and over again?
