Thanks SC! I am not looking at any of this as a disagreement at all. As I said previously, I am still trying to clarify all this for myself. I know I heard the pastor of the sermon use the term "unconditional respect", but perhaps I misunderstood the application of the term. I think I will purchase the CD of that sermon and/or the book because I think I am missing something about all this. The following, however, is what I found interesting about your links:
Quote: "A husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe," Eggerichs explains, "while love is by far a wife’s greatest need."
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who co-wrote Motivating Your Man God’s Way with his wife, Sarah, says this concept is the secret to a better marriage. Without it, couples can easily get caught up in the constant back-and-forth of complaining and stonewalling, action and reaction. Eggerichs calls it the "crazy cycle."
Relational Needs
The Bible states in Ephesians 5:33 that husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands. Seems easy enough, right? But this commonly cited verse makes a point that’s often overlooked, a point that is central to the crazy cycle: Men and women differ when it comes to their deepest relational needs.
If a husband’s deepest need (respect) and a wife’s deepest need (love) are fulfilled, their relationship is able to flourish. But when these needs are unmet, the cycle begins.
So, why this craziness? When a woman feels unloved, Eggerichs explains, she reacts in a way that may seem disrespectful to her husband. He then reacts to this disrespect in ways that feel unloving to his wife. The more she complains and criticizes, the more he shuts down and stonewalls.
"The message she’s trying to send is that she feels unloved at that moment," Eggerichs says. "But she will react in very negative ways that, in the male arena, feel disrespectful. She isn't trying to be disrespectful, but is feeling unloved. Sadly, he may not decode that."
So, how do you stop the "crazy cycle" once it’s started? Eggerichs says it’s as obvious as it seems: Mutual understanding begins when wives respect their husbands and husbands love their wives. His goal is to help couples better understand how to do that, putting an end to their crazy cycles.
Decision Time
As any married couple eventually discovers, romantic feelings don't exist everyday. It takes effort to keep a marriage strong, to keep minor disagreements from becoming major ones, to favor sweet words and tender glances over harsh comments and contemptuous glares.
"In Ephesians 5:33," Eggerichs says "God invites every married couple to make a conscious decision about how they appear to the other. A wife can feel unloved, but appear disrespectful; a husband can feel disrespected but appear unloving. This is why things get crazy! Our negative appearances work against us. God's Word protects us from that mistake."
He continues, "Really, all you have to do is learn this crazy cycle, and when you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, trust . . . that you’ve said something that appears unloving or disrespectful. Then go back and say, 'Did I come across as unloving/disrespectful? I'm sorry, will you forgive me?' That works almost every time."
Eggerichs has seen firsthand how marriages are transformed when husbands and wives put this fundamental concept into practice. When unconditional respect and love are demonstrated through tone, facial expression and word choice, the spirit of our spouse re-opens.
"We're going to have conflicts. We're going to get upset," Eggerichs says. "By dealing with marital conflict God's way, we can stop the crazy cycle before it starts. If things get out of control, we can halt the craziness. God's Word works."
Mirror Him: The other common complaint I get from women is, "My spouse isn't attentive to my needs." These women usually have a laundry list of all the things their husbands aren't doing or saying — or buying for them. My usual reply is something like, "That sounds really hard. The only thing that might be harder would be to lose the marriage, go through divorce and be a single parent." Then I offer a suggestion for those women to try. I tell them to take their laundry list and try to live up to everything on it — and then see what happens. For example, if a woman doesn't think her husband listens enough to her, I suggest that she listen more to him. If she doesn't think he’s romantic, I encourage her to try romancing him. This way she is being like Jesus.
In almost every case, the woman comes back with rave reviews of the changes she is seeing in her husband. I think it is because it is naturally easier to see what is wrong, and harder to see what is right in a relationship — but kindness brings clarity.
In Philippians 2:4-5, we are told to have the same attitude as Jesus: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." I know it’s hard, but just try it for a couple of months. Pray for your spouse and give God time to work. It’s called mirroring. You do what you’d like to see done, but give it as a gift without expectations.
So, what all this boils down to is that I will be the one to break the "crazy cycle" in my M that Eggerichs refers to and will work harder on the "mirroring" concept.
Thanks again, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
