Thank you for your very thought provoking post about the spyware.
It is VERY scary indeed.
What I have noticed within the past couple of months or so is that my computer HAS been getting flakier and flakier (which can also be normal computer behavior) but now having read your post, I am starting to wonder about A LOT of things that have happened during my use of it. Just since Friday, I have been logged off of my IM service repeatedly, and it was not me doing it. This morning I came home from Bible study to find my computer frozen, showing it had locked up just after being re-signed into the IM service.
Essentially, I am computer illiterate. My H, however, is a computer geek. When everything that happened Friday happened, my H made mention of a program that BMOW may be using to monitor us--some sort of a "backdoor" program but I have no idea what that is. Perhaps that is what eBlaster is--a "backdoor" program? I googled it, but haven't had much time to read through the sites yet. I think H and I need to have a discussion tonight about how BMOW can achieve spying on us from a remote location.
I have been aware of spy programs and the like, but have always thought that they have to be installed directly on the computer of the person that you want to spy on. I had NO IDEA that someone could install a program on a computer REMOTELY and then spy on that person. Good grief!!
What bothers me though, is that if you are spying on someone, you don't really want to be caught at it do you? My H said he thought she was simply sending him a message that she was "watching" our actions and wanted him to know that she was doing so, knowing that he would never confront her about it, and even if he did, that that was ok too because she would get to talk to him or see him, even if it was an argument.
Wow. Much food for thought. Thank you for your info.
Blessings to you, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
eBlaster is a program that monitors PC usage via email, from anywhere else. I briefly considered it for my own computer, to snoop on hubby. Fortunately I didn't get it, because that would make me even crazier!
There is a remote install add-on that can be delivered via email, and if the person clicks on the .exe file, it installs itsself. YOWWW! Do you click on attachments?
It runs in the background and doesn't show up in any of the usual program spots. There are certain entries in the registry that shows it's there, but you would have to know what you are looking for.
The company has another product that sends screen shots, too.
It sends reports on every keystroke typed, and all websites visited, and copys all emails recieved and sent. If this is on your home PC, I suggest you go and change all your passwords on some other computer. And then don't ever use them on the home computer again. Obviously this isn't practical.
Is your computer on the same network as she is? If she's saavy she could have installed packet sniffers, too.
Ha ha. Mess with her mind. Send an email to someone (doesn't matter who, hey how about me??) and tell some semi-believable story and see if she reacts to it. Make up a medical or mental problem and see if she responds to it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days about many things. I don't know the direction this post is going, but mostly I am simply logging some of my thoughts.
Spying on me by BMOW or anyone else for that matter--The more I think about this, the less I really care about the whole subject. If in fact she has remotely installed some sort of spyware on my machine, big whoop. The problem is hers, not mine. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I have done/am doing nothing wrong. I have also considered that my H could have just as simply installed some spy program himself on my machine for his own benefit. Or to jump off a cliff with this thought, perhaps they are working together on this, spying on me to see what I may know or suspect about their continued relationship. Perhaps this fiance stuff is all a cover up for my benefit. At this point, I am sufficiently detached from it all to no longer let it bother me. So spy away, if that is the case. May the Lord bless you with the discovery of whatever it is you are looking for about me.
What does my H really want from me and our marriage? This thought keeps coming to the forefront of my musings. What is he looking for in our relationship? Right now, it is platonic. I have let the idea go of expecting some sort of routine intimacy and have given it over to the Lord.
I am trying very hard to become the submissive wife the Lord calls for me to be according to His Word, for example, in 1 Peter 3 and in the book of Esther, but I am still a little puzzled about all that I am expected to tolerate. There is a fine line between submission and being a doormat.
I believe my H is continuing to lie to me and I am starting to wonder what all his lies encompass. Yesterday morning we spoke of our upcoming court date regarding the bankruptcy we were forced to file upon reconciliation. He says that once we resolve the bankruptcy and it is completed, a large part of his stress regarding our finances will be alleviated. I asked him what other financial stresses will remain. He said that he is also stressed about the fact that he will have absolutely no credit for any possible emergency that may befall us, i.e., medical, automobile repairs, house repairs, whatever. We have no savings because he spent it all, and if we still had any, the bankruptcy court would likely take it and distribute it to our creditors anyway. I pointed out to him that I still have plenty of credit and would be happy to add him jointly to any of my remaining cards, in an effort to extend some trust to him.
Well, he immediately back pedaled and said that the card companies wouldn't let him be added to my cards and that even attepting it was a big hassle, etc., etc., and to just forget it. I just looked at him when he said all this, but thought how ridiculous that sounded because just a few months back, he had very simply added one of his lovers, BMOW, to at least one of his personal credit cards. I am curious as to how she was described in the joint application--was it spouse, child or other? I was the submissive wife in that verbal exchange and kept my mouth shut. If he doesn't want to be added to any of my credit cards, fine. That is all he had to say. He didn't have to lie.
I have read elsewhere on this website that studies show that heavy porn viewing will reduce the desire one has for sexual intimacy with one's partner. This statement piqued my curiosity, so I got on my H's computer (haven't really cared to in many months) and checked his history and cookies.
The history check produced nothing porn related or minimally they were all erased, but the cookies revealed to me that he recently had logged in (on a Sunday evening when I was at church, no less) to one of the websites that he joined in the past to find and meet his female friends. And it wasn't a website like match.com or eharmony, which he has joined and which is bad enough, but it was a sex and swingers website where people post pictures of their genitalia and if you like what you see, you hook up.
So--what am I supposed to think now? Is he looking at the thumbnails of the genitalia for his own sexual MB enjoyment, or is he still communicating with the girls he met when he was actively hooking up? Is he still actively hooking up with new girls? His last hook up date that I am aware of was March 15.
Yesterday I pulled a very good book out of my self-help library to re-read. It is by Dr. Susan Forward and is titled, "When your Lover is a Liar." I started reading it again last night and my H came in the bedroom and asked to see what I was reading! Of all the books that I read on a regular basis, he *rarely*, if ever, asks me what I am reading. So go figure. I showed him the cover and just watched his reaction. Immediately he became defensive and spouted off how he has been nothing but honest with me since reconciliation and his life is now open and accountable to me. Uh huh. Again, I kept my mouth shut--just being still, Lord.
And to add to his ongoing honesty , this week for the first time I have been unable to remotely access the one email account he has so graciously provided me the ability to check. If he has changed the password, he has neglected to inform me. 'Nuff said.
I have many more musings, but will save them for another time. I have other things to deal with today and my musings wear me out.
Be Blessed, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
The epiphany has come for me--I have finally been able to put two and two together and realized that my H met BMOW on that sex and swingers website!!!!
I'm slow, but I get there eventually.
According to my H's cc statements from the time period that I destroyed recently, my H started joining these types of websites in January of 2003. BMOW appeared in his life sometime between January and May 2003. She was introduced to me in May of 2003. He was always and still is extremely evasive about how they met. When I was finally introduced to her, my H had already been spending a lot of secret time with her away from home in her town (unbeknownst to me of course), purportedly on the "business". I didn't even know BMOW or any business existed until May-June of 2003.
So, my guess is that he went to this sex website to meet sexy, swinging chicks, he met BMOW there, they conversed on-line, they met in person, they started their affair, they devised a plan to spend tons of time together, they brought me and her H into the whole mess to legitimize the time they were spending together in the name of a "business" and the rest is history.
Now, you may be asking, how did I arrive at all this? Well, after my H broke up with BMOW, she continued to send him emails that I read. I remembered one that she sent last April. BMOW wrote to kind of update my H on how she was doing after they broke up. In that email, she mentioned a particular website, the AFF website. I had no idea at the time what AFF stood for and didn't really care. I think I may have made a mental note to ask my H, but forgot to do it. I posted this email in it's entirety from BMOW on one of my old threads in the MLC forum.
Here is the section in the email where she mentions this website:
Quote: ...I still hope that someday soon you'll be able to talk to me again (at least electronically). I really would never think to be anything other than a friend at this point to anyone. One of our mutual friends mentioned to me that you were concerned that I would return to AFF . Don't worry about that at all, I've physically deleted all of my accounts, associated email and chat accounts. They are the farthest thing from my mind right now and the last thing that I need to turn to.
So now I know that AFF stands for the name of this sex and swingers hook up website.
For a period of time during their A, my H allowed BMOW access to all his credit cards and bank accounts. She took over paying his bills for him and the cc's that she paid all had monthly charges from these websites. I had always figured that she might be a bit annoyed that he participated at these sites, but I guess not now, she participated too!!! (The thought crosses my mind that this is where she also met her current fiance, if he really exists.)
Well, darn, I used to get some satisfaction thinking that his relationship with her wasn't exclusive and believing that she didn't know that. But now it seems that it is possible that she knew he was seeing others and it didn't matter to either of them. Perhaps they even participated in group sex get-togethers. I have no idea now what to believe or think really. If I actually learned the full ugly truth about my H and the extent of his sexually deviated ways, I have no idea how I would feel. And of course since I am a Christian now, everything is just compounded. I'm sure all this has tons to do with his lack of desire for intimacy with me. I mean, I'm just plain vanilla compared to what is offered on this and other sicko websites.
Sigh. I also know that I wouldn't have participated in stuff like that prior to being a Christian. It is just sad and WRONG.
And so the weirdness continues. Well, at least I now know what AFF stands for and another piece of the puzzle falls into place and is confirmed.
LG--a bit numb from all this revelation today.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
For the innocent, AFF is adultfriendfinder.com . Yes, I discovered my hubby had signed up with designerlove.com, and during the MC asked him to take his profiles off of the online dating services he had signed up on. I didn't mention the name of which one, since if there was one, there were probably others. AFF is the one he signed *out* of, not designerlove. HA HA on him, his profile on dl had a big typo on it. Not too many women out there looking for a homosexual man to have an affair with.
Sheesh, I am so sorry for you. But don't put your credit card numbers or other personal info into your current computer because it is probably being monitored.
I would NOT extend him any of your good credit, either.
OTOH, might he be like MY hubby, and say that he was looking at these people on AFF to entertain an active fantasy life? (What kind of dummies do they think we are, anyway?)
I had hoped to keep the innocent innocent from learning the name of that trash, but well,...yes, that is what the AFF stands for.
I have seen no references anywhere to the other website you mention regarding my H's participation, thank goodness.
How in the world were you able to find your H's profile on AFF and the other websites of this nature he participated in? Did he leave it for you to find in the history of his computer or did you log his keystrokes?
My H and I discussed his ongoing participation on these websites when we first reconciled. He knew that he was going to have to let them go. For awhile I had to tolerate these women calling him at home and on his cell as we worked on reconciliation. It was hard for me. The phone calls have stopped unless they still call him at work. I really wouldn't know if they do still. His chatting with a lot of them off and on during the day at work continued for awhile also, which I think may have slowed down or may have even stopped. His rear is on the line at work because he slacked off for 18+ months and he will be up for promotion soon, but who knows?? Only him and the Lord.
Thank you for reminding me about using my cc numbers or giving out personal info. I can't use my cc's anyway until our bankruptcy is settled, so that is a moot point really, but I will try to remember this for the future. I think my H is convinced also that my/our computers are being monitored. He wants to get a new bank account with a debit card where there will only be a small amount of money kept at any time for future online purchases. Fine, whatever. I will also mull over your suggestion of not extending my credit to him. Well, he didn't want it anyway. So I think that is actually settled.
I don't think that our H's think that we are dummies, I think they can be so self-centered, they don't really care what we think about much of anything that they are doing!! They just don't want to face reality and will say whatever they can to justify their actions and keep reality at bay.
Well, now my musings are taking a different turn. My H has kept BMOW in his life thus far, even if it is in a minor role. He will not block her emails or close the business to get rid of her, but as far as I know, he also has not seen her since April 5 when they broke up. He has told me over and over again that he needs to protect me from her because she hates me so much. Another DBer (thanks SC) pointed out to me that my H saying that BMOW "hated" me so much implies that she had to at some point care enough about me to have her "feelings" for me turn to hate. She never knew me well enough to be able to develop any feelings at all for me, so how can she hate me?? Another lie on his part. Most likely she is simply indifferent toward me. Anyway, it appears this is all a smoke screen to hide something my H desperately doesn't want me to know about himself that BMOW DOES know and would LOVE to tell me, if given a reason.
So, my new musing is to answer the question of WHY does he need to protect me from her? What deep, dark secret might she reveal to me about him if provoked into doing something she wouldn't like to do--like leave the business and his life forever? I'm beginning to wonder about blackmail of some sort. I'm learning to go with my niggling, questioning feelings and see where they take me. It may take me awhile to get an answer to this new musing, but I have plenty of faith that I will learn the answer according to God's will, His way and in His time. I shall be still, yet will continue to ponder this.
I also wonder if he fears what his other business partners would think if they knew that their current business manager was selected from a pool of girls on AFF?
It is late and I am tired. Whew, what a day this has been! My H is behind me playing a game on his computer. I don't really care anymore if he finds this website and reads my postings. That scares me a little because the opposite of love is hate, but when a feeling of indifference is reached are you past the point of no return? Perhaps I have merely reached an extreme of being very lovingly detached.
LG--choosing getting BETTER over remaining BITTER
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Awwww, SC, I am so sorry this is so upsetting to you. I am doing fine with all this, really I am. There truly is something to letting go, letting God and being still. HE is taking care of my feelings. I don't know where all this is going to lead, but I have my faith.
I think the Lord is going to get everything I need to know out in the open, my H is going to have another breakdown because of what is revealed to me, and then the Lord can finish His work on my H. My thoughts are all positive.
I will look for your email. And I intend to get the email I promised to you soon. H goes out of town next week for two days. I can concentrate better when he is not around and will be able to compose an answer to you.
Now I am *really* tired and am logging off!
Hugs and blessings to you!!, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
I never saw hubby's profile on AFF, but he left the trail of pages in the browser's history when he signed off. One thing that really hurt was that when he gave a reason for leaving, he checked off "I found a friend on this site". I can only HOPE he chose that option because it was the first one.
I found his profile on designerlove because he got an email saying that these were the new profiles added that met the criteria for his last search. And, can you believe it, there was an autologin link in the email that gave his username and password.
I don't need no stinkin spyware, he's not so computer literate that he can cover everything.
I believe him when he mumbled that he might not be able to figure out how to sign off of these sites, because he might not remember all the places he went. Being the frugal guy he is, I am sure they were mostly all free.
He has since discovered how to delete the browser's history but he hasn't discovered how to remove the cache or cookies. I'm certainly not telling. Each and every time I have called him on a specific activity (cell phone calls, emails) he has figured out a way to cover his trail. Well, I'm not doing it anymore.
Just waiting and watching (discreetly, of course).
In my case it is way to soon after the bomb to know what's really going on with him. He says only as much as he needs to. He's never apologized to me, in the 26 years we've been together, that I can remember. He's never been wrong, that he will say out loud. I'm still just watching and waiting. I hope someday I can start getting something back out of this R other than apparent good behavior. Is that asking for the moon?
I was the submissive wife in that verbal exchange and kept my mouth shut. If he doesn't want to be added to any of my credit cards, fine. That is all he had to say. He didn't have to lie.
, this week for the first time I have been unable to remotely access the one email account he has so graciously provided me the ability to check. If he has changed the password, he has neglected to inform me. 'Nuff said.
but he hasn't discovered how to remove the cache or cookies. I'm certainly not telling. Each and every time I have called him on a specific activity (cell phone calls, emails) he has figured out a way to cover his trail. Well, I'm not doing it anymore.