So this is piecing...

[trustinginHim]

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days about many things. I don't know the direction this post is going, but mostly I am simply logging some of my thoughts.

Spying on me by BMOW or anyone else for that matter--The more I think about this, the less I really care about the whole subject. If in fact she has remotely installed some sort of spyware on my machine, big whoop. The problem is hers, not mine. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I have done/am doing nothing wrong. I have also considered that my H could have just as simply installed some spy program himself on my machine for his own benefit. Or to jump off a cliff with this thought, perhaps they are working together on this, spying on me to see what I may know or suspect about their continued relationship. Perhaps this fiance stuff is all a cover up for my benefit. At this point, I am sufficiently detached from it all to no longer let it bother me. So spy away, if that is the case. May the Lord bless you with the discovery of whatever it is you are looking for about me.

What does my H really want from me and our marriage? This thought keeps coming to the forefront of my musings. What is he looking for in our relationship? Right now, it is platonic. I have let the idea go of expecting some sort of routine intimacy and have given it over to the Lord.

I am trying very hard to become the submissive wife the Lord calls for me to be according to His Word, for example, in 1 Peter 3 and in the book of Esther, but I am still a little puzzled about all that I am expected to tolerate. There is a fine line between submission and being a doormat.

I believe my H is continuing to lie to me and I am starting to wonder what all his lies encompass. Yesterday morning we spoke of our upcoming court date regarding the bankruptcy we were forced to file upon reconciliation. He says that once we resolve the bankruptcy and it is completed, a large part of his stress regarding our finances will be alleviated. I asked him what other financial stresses will remain. He said that he is also stressed about the fact that he will have absolutely no credit for any possible emergency that may befall us, i.e., medical, automobile repairs, house repairs, whatever. We have no savings because he spent it all, and if we still had any, the bankruptcy court would likely take it and distribute it to our creditors anyway. I pointed out to him that I still have plenty of credit and would be happy to add him jointly to any of my remaining cards, in an effort to extend some trust to him.

Well, he immediately back pedaled and said that the card companies wouldn't let him be added to my cards and that even attepting it was a big hassle, etc., etc., and to just forget it. I just looked at him when he said all this, but thought how ridiculous that sounded because just a few months back, he had very simply added one of his lovers, BMOW, to at least one of his personal credit cards. I am curious as to how she was described in the joint application--was it spouse, child or other? I was the submissive wife in that verbal exchange and kept my mouth shut. If he doesn't want to be added to any of my credit cards, fine. That is all he had to say. He didn't have to lie.

I have read elsewhere on this website that studies show that heavy porn viewing will reduce the desire one has for sexual intimacy with one's partner. This statement piqued my curiosity, so I got on my H's computer (haven't really cared to in many months) and checked his history and cookies.

The history check produced nothing porn related or minimally they were all erased, but the cookies revealed to me that he recently had logged in (on a Sunday evening when I was at church, no less) to one of the websites that he joined in the past to find and meet his female friends. And it wasn't a website like match.com or eharmony, which he has joined and which is bad enough, but it was a sex and swingers website where people post pictures of their genitalia and if you like what you see, you hook up.

So--what am I supposed to think now? Is he looking at the thumbnails of the genitalia for his own sexual MB enjoyment, or is he still communicating with the girls he met when he was actively hooking up? Is he still actively hooking up with new girls? His last hook up date that I am aware of was March 15.

Yesterday I pulled a very good book out of my self-help library to re-read. It is by Dr. Susan Forward and is titled, "When your Lover is a Liar." I started reading it again last night and my H came in the bedroom and asked to see what I was reading! Of all the books that I read on a regular basis, he *rarely*, if ever, asks me what I am reading. So go figure. I showed him the cover and just watched his reaction. Immediately he became defensive and spouted off how he has been nothing but honest with me since reconciliation and his life is now open and accountable to me. Uh huh. Again, I kept my mouth shut--just being still, Lord.

And to add to his ongoing honesty , this week for the first time I have been unable to remotely access the one email account he has so graciously provided me the ability to check. If he has changed the password, he has neglected to inform me. 'Nuff said.

I have many more musings, but will save them for another time. I have other things to deal with today and my musings wear me out.

Be Blessed,
LG