So this is piecing...

[trustinginHim]

Hi there SC,

Thanks for the invite to your house, even if it involves my scrubbing your microwave out! Hahahahaha! Which speaking of microwaves, mine is spotless!! Very clever of you to point out the B could = bigamist at some point in the future for BMOW.

I think she is calling her new adulterous lover a "fiance" in an effort to justify to others the relationship. And I have no idea what her H is thinking or feeling or knows or cares about all this. All I do know is that BMOW moved out of the house and away from her H and her two girls sometime this summer.

I was reading some info on ivillage.com today and the following is a question about sexless love a woman had for a counselor:

My boyfriend and I live together. We do everything together, except have sex. We've talked about sex, but he doesn't seem to be interested. There is a substantial age difference between us, but he says that is not the problem. He has trouble with intimacy and seems to enjoy masturbation more than sex. I just don't get it. He isn't gay and isn't seeing anyone else. What do I do? --D

Dear D:

I am equally confused. So, let's explore this dilemma. It appears at first blush that you two are an item. Yet, as you describe your relationship, it appears to be more like a brother-sister dynamic than a sexual one. Often, if there is ambivalence about intimacy, one member of the couple shuts down the sexual aspects for self-protection. I suspect that your boyfriend, whom you already know to be averse to intimacy, is sending you a loud, clear message to stay away from his heart.

I find that working with men is different from women, as many men need to become intimate sexually before they can open up their emotional channels; whereas many women need to feel that emotional closeness before sharing their sexuality. In not having sex with you, your boyfriend may be trying to avoid sharing his heart with you … or with anyone else. I get the sense that he feels safe with you in this platonic relationship, which may or may not ever change. The fact that he masturbates tells me that he does have a sex drive -- you're just not on the roadmap.

What's more important is that this is your life, too. What do you want for the rest of your life? Is this the man for the long-term? Perhaps he is -- if you can be sustained by a pals-only relationship. Despite the statistics showing that most couples consider their friendship to be more important than the time they spend in the sack together, having a relationship in which one partner wants sex and the other doesn't is a painful place to live. Right now it sounds like your needs are not being met sexually, although your friendship is flourishing. So, think well before walking out the door or signing a pre-nup with this guy. I hope you can have a heart-to-heart talk with him soon to determine the breadth and flavor of his intentions and his capacity for true love before you suffer any more.

Well, that is certainly food for thought. The counselor's response DOES support my H's recent admission that he is afraid of being vulnerable right now and getting closer sexually to me. I have no idea though if my H does the MB thing, or how often.

I think my H may be opening the intimacy door a crack though. Yesterday he asked me to come help him a bit in his workshop (read as his "cave"). When we got inside he closed and latched the door, took me in his arms while laughing and said that actually he had really just wanted to be alone with me! Then he gave me a big hug and kiss. What you have to understand is that we are alone in the house all the time too--it is just always us anyway. So he was playing with me, and there really was something he needed my help with in the shop, but he took the time to tease me a little first.

Well, I see it as a bit of progress.

LG--remaining very, very still.