So this is piecing...

[trustinginHim]

Hi Cathy,

I am looking forward to this evening with my H and watching the program together.

And another positive note to my day, after lunch H hinted to me that he might be starting to feel desirous of some play time with me. Wow, the Lord sure likes to reinforce His points! Once I had made the decision to let go and let God and to refocus my thoughts onto H's salvation, here comes H with a hint of a new direction and mindset.

I am humbled and my faith is once again enhanced. Now patience must ensue on my part, because I don't want to blow this.

LG

[trustinginHim]

I guess I can't say enough about detachment and keeping the focus on yourself and self-improvement, along with letting go and letting God.

In just a matter of days, my H has almost done a 180 on me in behavior. He has started flirting with me and making sexual innuendo. Wow! What a difference from the past few months. Now he hasn't acted on anything, yet, but I am being at my most patient and have accepted that it will come in time. I am still processing this info, but I am beginning to accept the idea that he prefers to be the pursuer and in control of the relationship (as you mentioned in your email to me SC). I am more than happy to fulfill my role of "pursuee".

Yesterday evening when I got home from church, I found that H had actually gotten off the sofa after dinner and had done some yard work!! This is a HUGE 180 for him. Let me tell you I was validating and reinforcing that behavior like mad. He mentioned at lunch today that he would like to work in the yard together with me after dinner this evening. I was all over that.

I think that my H is finishing up a "season" where he has been further letting go of BMOW and that period of his life. I still get annoyed and hurt that she remains a part of it in even a small way, but I try to look at it as the thorn in my side that keeps my faith strong that the Lord will protect me, just like when He refused to remove the thorn from Paul's side. Who knows?? Perhaps one day I will be rewarded and BMOW will be gone for good from the business and from our lives. I think that is an excellent request to add to my daily list of prayers.

Speaking of BMOW, one of the business partners met with her and her new "fiance" yesterday. The business partner relayed that the new "fiance" is an exact duplicate of her STBXH, only about 5 inches taller. Don't really know what to make of that. I guess I am thankful that this new person in her life is not an exact duplicate of MY H!

God Bless,
LG

[trustinginHim]

My H and I had individual appointments this week with our counselor. H met with her first and allowed the counselor to share what they discussed with me in my appointment yesterday.

My H is very aware of the effect on me regarding our lack of intimacy, but he claims he has problems that he must deal with now. The C did not elaborate what those problems were, but she reassured me that he told her that I was not part of the problem. I told her I suspected that one of his problems may be with my Christianity hampering his desire for sex with me. She did not agree or disagree with this thought, but it seemed to give her pause.

My H also told the C that he is tired of the "double standard" that he now lives under--my full access to his bank accounts and one email account at his workplace, while he has no access to anything of mine. She went on to say that yes, HE had the affair, but I needed to reach a point where I started trusting him more and that he and I needed to discuss this together at the next joint appointment.

Ooooo, this made me so angry and it makes me angry again typing it now. (Would you say it might be a trigger for me?) It would be one thing if BMOW was no longer in our life, but she is still there and abuses that privilege from time to time, or possibly even more often in other email accounts, but that I don't know. The past remains in the present. As long as she is part of our life, what my H spends money on, and what, when and how he communicates with her and how he allows her to communicate with him my development of trust will be affected.

Now, I realize that if my H wanted to continue his affair with BMOW, or start another one with someone else, I have no control over that whether or not I have access to his bank account and his work emails. I can't really put it into words, but the minimal access I have to his life shows me that he wants to work on our marriage, and it comforts me and gives me hope. I don't have COMPLETE access to his life anyway. I think THAT also shows that I am working on developing trust in him.

If I am wrong to think this way, I invite you to share your thoughts with me on why it is wrong.

The C also told me to just hurry and finish destroying the evidence that H left lying around the house of his affair(s) and to get it over with instead of dragging it out. So with my H out of town yesterday and today, I have done a massive shredding. I dumped drawers out and made piles and destroyed!!!

Nothing too painful came to light--only a mushy bday card that BMOW mailed to my H last year. (And he had been with me on his birthday last year!) It was shoved to the very back of the drawer it was in. I did SO love shredding that card to the accompaniment of my maniacally happy laugh!! I also gleefully cut up the credit card that I found last week where she had been added to one of my H's now defunct CC accounts.

I hope I have found everything. Not looking forward to any surprises down the road if I haven't.

Speaking of BMOW again, she emailed my H a business email today, as is allowed, but she is supposed to copy ALL business correspondence she sends to my H to ALL the business partners. She did not. Sigh.

I am curious to see what next week holds for me and H. My H will be a keynote speaker at a dinner function Tuesday evening in BMOW's hometown. Plans for this were finalized last winter and BMOW was made aware of the function at that time so that she could promote the business as business manager while attending with my H.

I will be the one attending with my H now. This is all going to occur just blocks from where BMOW currently lives. It is possible that BMOW will appear at this event to try to see my H. Even if she had forgotten about this, there has been advertising of the occurrence of the function to help remind her. My H and I have talked about this and the possible scenarios that could unfold. BMOW has no qualms about her behavior in public. My H and I do. My H is hoping that if BMOW DOES show up, that she brings her current boyfriend/fiance with her. With her boyfriend and me there, perhaps the fireworks can be kept at a minimum, or even from going off. I am doing my best to leave it all in the Lord's hands to take care of though.

Prior to attending the function, my H and I are planning a picnic in the gardens that afternoon on the grounds where he will be talking that evening. I am looking forward to that. Also, my H has invited me to go on an overnight business trip with him next Thursday. I was surprised that he invited me because he didn't invite me to go with him this week, which amazingly didn't bother me! I enjoyed the time apart.

So another week comes to an end in my world. Have a good weekend!

God Bless,
LG

[trustinginHim]

I decided to skip the overnight trip as scheduled for today and tomorrow and my H decided he would just come back late today anyway. I liked that.

I want to make note that I am doing much, much better. I am calm and at peace again. I am really working on patience and self-control. Sometimes I have them and sometimes I don't.

For instance, BMOW sent my H more emails to his work address last week. I managed the self-control to not read them until he had marked them as read again by him, which actually was two days after they were sent! When I find and read them first, we have agreed that I am to tell him that I have done that, and I do. He says that he only looks for emails that are unread, and I am unable to mark them as unread once I do read them as I access his email remotely and do not have all the functions available to me.

I am glad that I waited to read the one below that she sent last week as it was a personal one and I would have been upset that much sooner:

I hope all is well on your end of things, visited with one of the business partners for a while the day before he left he briefly mentioned that you were struggling with your diabetes again, I'm sorry to hear that... How is your mother after her fall? She has been on my mind since you told me that news. I sincerely hope that she's healing well and quickly.

Things are hectic on this end of things as always, my older daughter is in soccer this fall and my younger daughter is definately into the terible twos... I'm working thru an agency trying to find something permanent, the job market just still sucks.

Anyway, don't want to take up too much of your time, just wanted to let you know that I still consider you a friend even if at a distance and i do think about you and worry still.. Just part of my nature. Hope this note finds you doing well..
BMOW

Yes, as I said it upset me (for just a brief few minutes though) and reinforced my belief in the need for NO PERSONAL COMMUNICATION between the two of them, but I did not say one word to my H about it until he brought it up this morning. When he did I asked if he could understand why it upset me when she sent him inocuous personal email forwards. They seem to lead to emails of the above nature.

My H's response? He said, "Perhaps, but doesn't the content prove to you that I have not been in secret contact with her?"

Sigh.

It is personal contact none-the-less, and this is what I think he prefers to be able to know what is going on in her life for whatever reason it is important to him to know still. I can assure you that the next time he writes a business email to her, he will address what she has said in this email, probably something along the lines regarding his mother or her daughters, making polite chit-chat that is completely unnecessary scattered among the business part of the email. And this is how he maintains his communication to her with my knowledge.

Anyway, I guess my point in all this is that I still feel justified in thinking that her personal email addresses should be blocked from my H's accounts.

In other news, H did his invited talk in BMOW's town on Tuesday night and as far as I could tell, there was no sign of BMOW in the audience. Before my H gave his talk, the audience was asked by the head of the group that invited my H to speak for a show of hands of audience members who were there simply because of the newspaper coverage of the event. So I feel that BMOW knew, but stayed away. She could have sent a friend in her place to report back to her, I suppose. If so, the friend will be reporting that my H attended with his lovely wife!!

Nothing to report in the intimacy department yet. H is still making overtures and hinting that he would like to, but doesn't follow through. He told me yesterday that we are going on a week's vacation in October! He has the itinerary planned out already and everything.

Sometimes I just don't know what to make of this man.

Oh well, one day at a time...

Blessings,
LG

[Briget]

Hi LG,

I came by to see how you are doing? I admire your strength to stay in a marriage when you could have walked away.

I hope to one day be in the same place as you but I don't see it happening since H moved 2000 miles away.

But I know I will be happy in the end. In fact I feel closer to happy than sad most days.

Later Friend,
Love,
Briget

[trustinginHim]

Hi Briget!,

I am so thankful that you are doing so much better and that you and your family were not terribly affected by the four hurricanes that passed through your state. I thought of you often while you were off the BB.

Thank you for your caring and kind words. Some days are better than others for me and I often wonder myself how I managed to come back to my marriage, admit my own faults and what I also negatively contributed to the downfall of the marriage and work to fix it, but then I remember that I am not doing it on my own and that the Lord is providing my strength and guidance.

You DO sound so much happier Briget, and that puts a smile on MY face!!

Well, back to my own little world--my H and I had a breakthrough on Sunday. He initiated ML and followed through to completion, PLUS, he was able to share some of his private feelings/thoughts with me.

Essentially, he fears developing a sexual R with me akin to what it was early in our R and marriage because he is terrified that it will not last at that level and I will revert to my old ways of using sex as a weapon against him. He is just not ready to be that vulnerable. Basically, it boils down to a trust issue between us--him trusting me re: the sex and me trusting him re: other women. I did my best to simply listen and validate his feelings and hear what he was saying. I regard this as a blessing, now knowing what he is dealing with internally.

My H seems a bit happier with this info out in the open now, and last night he hinted that he thought he would be ready for more LM very soon. So, I shall patiently wait.

BMOW has been quiet, even though in one of her emails last week, she demanded input immediately from my H regarding some business matters that he deemed was unnecessary to respond to on her terms, so, he has actually ignored her!

Well, I have some housewifery items to attend to, so I am off to take care of them.

In His Name,
LG

[KentS]

LG,
It takes years to heal. The less you fret the shorter the time. I learned this the hard way.

BOL!

K

[trustinginHim]

Good morning Kent. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am afraid that I am learning the hard way also, but hopefully it will happen more quickly for me than years. I won't expect it to though and will keep trying to remember to let go and let God; His will, His way, His time.

My H totally shocked me last night. We had spent a quiet evening together having dinner and watching TV and just before 10 pm, my H muted the TV and proceeded to have over an hour long rant about how vehemently disgusted he was with himself! Something like this has never happened before--it was behavior I had never seen from him.

He went on and on about how I had made all these positive changes in my life for myself and our marriage, but what had he done? He then proceeded to answer his own question with a long laundry list of what he HADN'T done. I sat very quietly for the most part and just listened to him and validated where it felt appropriate to do so. He kept reassuring me throughout that this was not about me at all, just him, but we already knew that, didn't we folks?

Wow. I am still reeling. I have lovingly detached myself from his drama and am going to sit back, watch and wait--letting go and letting God!

Some interesting news from the BMOW front:

Yesterday morning my H sent her an email. Now while it was copied to his business partners, he neglected to copy me on it which is supposed to be one of the rules of contact with her. I was a bit peeved, but I let it go. I am waiting for him to say something to me about it.

Good morning BMOW - I just received a collection call here at work from the phone company wanting payment on an outstanding bill to phone number ###-###-####. They claim the bill is from May 26th and is $###.## The collection processor can be reached at 1-800-###-####. The account number in collections is ######## and the customer code is ###. The collections processor claimed this phone number was registered to our internet business and that we were liable for payment. What is going on?

Normally, BMOW responds within minutes of any contact my H has with her. She has yet to respond to this and it is a day later now. I wonder if she is trying to come up with a plausible excuse, because that phone number is NOT the original number that was registered to the business. My thoughts are that she took out a personal number for herself in the business' name when she left her H and kids in May and then couldn't pay it or wouldn't pay it and then perhaps cancelled it.

I will now focus on my mantra to let go and let God. I do so love allowing Him to be in control of my life. It is SO much easier.

God Bless,
LG

[trustinginHim]

The Lord is thumping me on the head to get my attention today. My daily email from rejoiceministries.org reads as:

BE STILL! -

Scripture for today: Psalm 37

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land." Psalm 37:7-9

Are you being attacked in every area of your life? Remember what the Lord wants you to do. Be still and wait patiently for Him. This may be very difficult for you to do, but be obedient to the Lord's ways. May I challenge you, regardless of what you are going through, may you be silent and wait patiently for Him to act in your behalf.

Another important lesson is not to worry about your problems, even when your spouse may appear to be "winning" in many different areas. This scripture even tells us to refrain from anger and do not worry as it leads only to evil.

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this." Psalm 37:1-5

Your circumstances may seem overwhelming. What should you do? Pray, do not worry, and trust in the Lord. Believe in His love for you, your spouse and your family. Believe in His power knowing that He can do far more than anyone can possibly imagine.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power, that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

Are you upset and angry because of what you are being put through due to your spouse, marriage problems, separation or divorce? Do not become angry. Talk to God, tell Him your feelings, your emotions, your hurts and your pains. He is the only one that can remove, heal and restore you to your righteous state. Do not let the devil get a stronghold in your life by you having anger, bitterness, hatred, fits of rage and jealousy.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

God is giving us instructions in how we should live, and we each have a choice. Do not be angry or jealous and stop worrying. Give your problems to God and praise Him that He is greater than any circumstance. He can part the Red Sea, or send a lamb up the other side of your mountain. Be still before the Lord knowing His mighty power.

"Be still, and know that I am God...The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah" Psalm 46:10-11

Remember what Moses told His people when their enemy was coming against them.

"...Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13-14

Our God is so great and mighty! Read Exodus 14 to be encouraged today. Let your Lord part your Red Sea of circumstances!!

Ok, Lord, you have my attention!!

I really need Him right now because my H and BMOW are having a flurry of email activity this afternoon and they are only corresponding with each other and not copying to me or to the business partners--against the rules. My H has still said nothing to me about the original email he sent to her yesterday that has now started this exchange.

So far it has all been business and I am thankful to the Lord that my H has allowed me access to this one email account of his to follow it, but I have to wonder in the back of my head where it will lead. Slowly now over time, the rules have become bent or broken regarding their contact with one another. My H has told me in the past that he simply wants her to get bored with her position as business manager of his company and to simply move on of her own free will, but his correspondence with her today seems to reflect another line of thinking on his part. Right now their correspondence includes discussion of implementing some long range plans, together, for the business.

Sigh.

I shall go read Exodus 14 now to be encouraged. Thank you, Lord, for your Word!

Be blessed,
LG

[trustinginHim]

Just quickly journaling that my H finally forwarded some of his business correspondence of last week with BMOW to me.

Last night he had been discussing the business a bit and I took the opportunity to ask him how long he was going to wait before deciding that the business wasn't going to be profitable and worth his time any longer.

He said that it wasn't really worth any of his time right now because he had reassigned half his shares to BMOW and the other half to one of the business partners! I hadn't known this and I guess the look on my face said so. He looked at me and said, "You weren't aware of that? I thought I told you."

I then asked him what his function was now, if any, with the company and he told me, "Well, none really."

So, unbeknownst to me, he has gone from owner and CEO of his own company with controlling interest to having no real capacity in it at all. And yet, there is still email contact with BMOW, when really, there is now ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for any type of communication, business or otherwise, at all now between the two of them.

This news and revelation exhausted me last night and I just went to bed.

LG--Working on being still and waiting on the Lord.