So this is piecing...

[trustinginHim]

My H and I had individual appointments this week with our counselor. H met with her first and allowed the counselor to share what they discussed with me in my appointment yesterday.

My H is very aware of the effect on me regarding our lack of intimacy, but he claims he has problems that he must deal with now. The C did not elaborate what those problems were, but she reassured me that he told her that I was not part of the problem. I told her I suspected that one of his problems may be with my Christianity hampering his desire for sex with me. She did not agree or disagree with this thought, but it seemed to give her pause.

My H also told the C that he is tired of the "double standard" that he now lives under--my full access to his bank accounts and one email account at his workplace, while he has no access to anything of mine. She went on to say that yes, HE had the affair, but I needed to reach a point where I started trusting him more and that he and I needed to discuss this together at the next joint appointment.

Ooooo, this made me so angry and it makes me angry again typing it now. (Would you say it might be a trigger for me?) It would be one thing if BMOW was no longer in our life, but she is still there and abuses that privilege from time to time, or possibly even more often in other email accounts, but that I don't know. The past remains in the present. As long as she is part of our life, what my H spends money on, and what, when and how he communicates with her and how he allows her to communicate with him my development of trust will be affected.

Now, I realize that if my H wanted to continue his affair with BMOW, or start another one with someone else, I have no control over that whether or not I have access to his bank account and his work emails. I can't really put it into words, but the minimal access I have to his life shows me that he wants to work on our marriage, and it comforts me and gives me hope. I don't have COMPLETE access to his life anyway. I think THAT also shows that I am working on developing trust in him.

If I am wrong to think this way, I invite you to share your thoughts with me on why it is wrong.

The C also told me to just hurry and finish destroying the evidence that H left lying around the house of his affair(s) and to get it over with instead of dragging it out. So with my H out of town yesterday and today, I have done a massive shredding. I dumped drawers out and made piles and destroyed!!!

Nothing too painful came to light--only a mushy bday card that BMOW mailed to my H last year. (And he had been with me on his birthday last year!) It was shoved to the very back of the drawer it was in. I did SO love shredding that card to the accompaniment of my maniacally happy laugh!! I also gleefully cut up the credit card that I found last week where she had been added to one of my H's now defunct CC accounts.

I hope I have found everything. Not looking forward to any surprises down the road if I haven't.

Speaking of BMOW again, she emailed my H a business email today, as is allowed, but she is supposed to copy ALL business correspondence she sends to my H to ALL the business partners. She did not. Sigh.

I am curious to see what next week holds for me and H. My H will be a keynote speaker at a dinner function Tuesday evening in BMOW's hometown. Plans for this were finalized last winter and BMOW was made aware of the function at that time so that she could promote the business as business manager while attending with my H.

I will be the one attending with my H now. This is all going to occur just blocks from where BMOW currently lives. It is possible that BMOW will appear at this event to try to see my H. Even if she had forgotten about this, there has been advertising of the occurrence of the function to help remind her. My H and I have talked about this and the possible scenarios that could unfold. BMOW has no qualms about her behavior in public. My H and I do. My H is hoping that if BMOW DOES show up, that she brings her current boyfriend/fiance with her. With her boyfriend and me there, perhaps the fireworks can be kept at a minimum, or even from going off. I am doing my best to leave it all in the Lord's hands to take care of though.

Prior to attending the function, my H and I are planning a picnic in the gardens that afternoon on the grounds where he will be talking that evening. I am looking forward to that. Also, my H has invited me to go on an overnight business trip with him next Thursday. I was surprised that he invited me because he didn't invite me to go with him this week, which amazingly didn't bother me! I enjoyed the time apart.

So another week comes to an end in my world. Have a good weekend!

God Bless,
LG