Thanks for the 2X4! Got one from H Saturday morning also. He will be pleased to find out that you support him!
What makes this so hard for me is that BMOW is still in his life and thus in our life. Makes it really difficult to move on sometimes, like this week. I really have been doing well these past few months and accepting of her continued presence, until I backslid this week, but it has enabled me to refocus.
My H and I had quite a discussion Saturday morning that allowed me to see that I have slowly been letting negative thoughts gain control of me again. Well, duh! I do feel though, that if BMOW were completely gone, I could move on and my thoughts would not continue to return to the affair and any future possible scenarios between them. But I don't have that luxury right now.
The reason BMOW remains in our lives, I think, has to do with all the lies and trash he told BMOW about me during their affair, and according to my H, she hates me with quite a passion. Yes, I understand how her perception of me is based on lies and it is too late to change that, but H says that she is so vengeful that if she EVER learned that he left her to return to me, she would do her best to ruin his and my life in any way she can. So he lets her keep playing happily at the internet business, maintaining her connection to him, he says to protect me from further hurt from her. That is the "hold" I refer to that she continues to have on him and us. He thinks she will just go away in time. I wonder just how long getting to that day is going to take. Sigh...
It IS helping me to destroy all the evidence I come across in the house, even though my H thinks I am reliving the past when I do so. If he won't destroy it, then how in the world am I going to remove it from our lives?? I may be reliving the past as I destroy the evidence, but I don't think it needs to be in the house any longer. Plus, what about the stuff I may not find until, say, a few years down the road? Because he didn't have the consideration to remove it before I came home, I get to feel the pain again. I do not look forward to that. That is why I am trying to find it all and get rid of it NOW!
What has greatly contributed to my negative attitude has been the lack of intimacy these past few months. We did so well just after reconciling and then my H just seemed to lose interest in the act itself--and I would classify him as a high desire man, even sexually addicted to a point, etc. We have discussed this topic, but so far he is not doing a thing about it. It leaves me with a sense that it is not important enough to our relationship to see a doctor to determine what is causing it, IF that is the problem and NOT something emotional, because it has us on a plateau as far as the reconciliation goes, and we are not moving forward. After our talk yesterday, my H did at least say that if he still feels no interest for another week, he would go see a doctor. I accept that as a start.
I went back and re-read Heart's Blessing's thread on the 6 stages of MLC and was reminded that when they come out of it, they are completely different people. I just wonder if he has now become the EXACT opposite in this area of what he was before. If that is the case, I have some adjustments to make myself.
So, I have refocused. I will continue to destroy evidence because that is a form of letting go for me. I just pray that I can find it all at this point in time. I am back to re-reading all my self-help books. I have the Love Busters book, so I will look for the similar scenario in it you mention. I am immersing myself in church activities again. I am going to work on me again. I kind of forgot about my self improvement when the reconciliation began, but it is time to take care of me again, and in turn, my marriage will continue to improve. I intend to set some fresh goals, too.
H and I are spending all day tomorrow together. We are taking a day trip. I need to go get some things together for it, so must run.
Thanks for posting!
God Bless, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
