So this is piecing...

[trustinginHim]

Hello Everyone!

What a blessing it is to have three Pams reply in a row, with Slowly and leftandnowhy bringing up the rear, but most certainly not the least!! Thank you all for the wonderful welcome to the Piecing forum.

psluke said: Welcome to piecing! You have the patience to do this and there are some wonderful people in this forum to help you along.

I hope this evening works out better than you predict.

What if you visualize a positive interaction? I know I used to do that before going in the ring to show and it did help. I know not the same thing but better than thinking negative thoughts. I think they vibrate out from us when we think negative thoughts.

Pam, I was able to read your post before my H got home from work. I took your advice for my low PMA and immediately started a productive project to refocus my thoughts and I actually completed it successfully too. Hey--it really made a difference in my attitude and my H's too! Thank you. Some days are so incredibly hard for me, as yesterday was.

As for my patience level, well,..., patience is, I think, the most important fruit the Lord is teaching me to bear. My old self was well-known for her impatience and angry outbursts. Learning patience and dying to my anger has been very difficult for me. I still have a looong way to go, but my faith continues to grow in the Lord.

The following was in an incredibly well-said post by laughingbetweentears in the MLC Forum on her thread called Cha Cha Cha Changes. The words are so well put and pertain so greatly to me also, I put them here to remind me how MY behavior affects my H. I probably should print them out and carry them around with me:

He had/has to know (on some level) that one of us had to be rational, so he could stand in front of me, and feel, I mean KNOW that I wasn't going to erupt, become emotional, that my feet were firmly on the ground before he even started moving through the tunnel. Someone had to be able to make sense out of what was going on. I found he needed an anchor, and it was me. I realized all his pushing buttons was no more than a test to see if I was grounded. Each time he tested me and it caused a reaction (from me) it sent him off further into his emotional turmoil, destroying everything in his path, whick felt like mostly me. It wasn't until I had a firm foothold on the earth, was he able to touch the ground.

The more quiet my mind, heart and soul is, the more I see him slow down, I do see him still testing me, but with each test now, he feels safer, because I no longer react but remain calm, positive and in a reassuring manner. I feel his mind slowing down, and now bits and pieces are starting to connect. No, he still won't admit to any of this, and no, he is still very much unaware of what is going on. He does say he is feeling clearer, happier, and more relaxed. I just had to be first, and he is following me. I had to fully accept me, which made it easier to accept him or should I say his behavior.

Very nicely put!!

PamelaC said: I know just how you feel! I struggle too with the lack of a deep connection with my H. I have come to realize that when I push for it, he backs further away.

You two, as my H and I, have gone through a lot together. I have no answers for you, but I did want to tell you that this takes a lot of time and patience. Basically, you have been piecing only since March. That is not that long to undo all the damage that has been done.

He is probably feeling a lot of things that he just can't express to you yet. I find that just being a "safe" person for my H has helped to open up dialogue between us.

When I'm not feeling content, I remind myself of how I felt when my marriage was in serious danger of ending. Then I make myself do something AWAY from the relationship. Mainly I find that the feeling has to do with needing reassurances that I am not getting.

Keep posting. There are so many wise people that can help you here. They certainly helped me!

PamelaC, you may not think you have answers for me, but you really gave me some lovely advice in your post.

When I tried to talk to my H many weeks ago about the non-existant intimacy level and how I thought we needed to be more intimate more often to edify the rebuilding of the R--he completely shut down on me and remains so!! I know, I know--how selfish of me. I learned that lesson hard.

I AM coming up with connection ideas though. Before our separation, I had started to give H whole body massages occasionally to ease his stress in the evenings. Of course, one thing always managed to lead to another. When H and I talked last night after dinner, I learned that his stress-level from work has been through the roof and growing. I immediately had the thought pop into my mind that he might like some massages again on an occasional, recurring basis. So tonight I am going to offer him one, but with no expectations. I don't even expect him to accept the offer, so I won't be hurt too badly if he says no, but he might say yes...

Also last night, I prepared a fire in our out-door fire pit and he and I sat in our swing and cuddled under a blanket in front of the fire. (Last night we had a record low of 47 degrees here in Texas!) Of course the whole time we cuddled all I could think about was deeply kissing H and , but again, time and patience. I know the Lord is working on my H too.

Pamila posted: I could not resist the temptation to be the 3rd Pam to respond to your question.

I would say that your timeline has things moving along pretty quickly. There are more than a few of us here on the bb that have H's who have been involved in R's with OW's for longer than your H's seemingly lasted.

Are you positive that he is no longer having an A?

Just keep reading the board, looking for those who have similiar sitch's, who can impart wisdom and encouragement.

This takes time, lots of it, more than you could want or anticipate.

What is your H's spiritual status? That could be a major contributing factor to your dis-connected feeling.

Hang in there and I'll check back again soon.

Pamila, yes, everything has moved very rapidly for me this past year. I thank the Lord for the quickness of the journey thus far, but I think you will agree that it is far from over.

Do I think the A is over? I certainly hope and pray so! Of course, I can't know for sure what really goes on in my H's mind, but he has made great strides in behavior that allows me to trust him some. He turned over full access to his bank accounts to me, along with all his credit cards--I get all the statements (bank and CC) and go over them every month. I have the password and thus access to his work email so that I can check for contacts made to him and by him to other women.

Now, I am not a fool and think that I have ALL the bases covered here, but since my H is a serial adulterer, he knows lots of tricks that he has gleaned over the years. And I know he knows how to hide the evidence. He is an intelligent man. But he knows what he has to do to earn my trust again. And I know I cannot control his every action nor can I ever blindly trust him again. I turn it all over to the Lord everyday and He is taking care of me.

Speaking of the Lord, you ask what my H's spiritual status is. My H was raised as a Christian, left the church in his teens, and commenced living a hellacious life. I am thankful that he is agnostic. He just refuses to believe the whole Jesus story and accept Him as His Savior. My H is a control freak and an egomaniac, and the whole idea of surrendering to an unseen God and living by faith is just incomprehensible to him. Choosing to live a Christian life and then living life as a Christian is hard, and many give it up as my H did. Coming to know Christ as a adult and changing years of ingrained worldly behaviors and thought processes is extremely difficult, but the rewards are so awesome and wonderful! The answered prayers are so comforting. I trust that the Lord is using me to reach my H and I trust the Lord that my H will come around. I just don't know how or when or where.

So yes, the disconnected feeling is absolutely fueled in part by my H's lack of spirituality. But I will continue to try to live each day according to 2 Timothy 2:24-26 and pray that as I gently teach my H about the Christian life, the Lord just might change my H's heart!

Slowly wrote: I'm in awe of all that you have endured, you are an inspiration. Life in piecing is still a bit of a roller coaster, though with the safety harness in place. I look forward to following your journey.

Hello slowly, thank you for the kind words of your post. I hope you were referring to my threads in MLC and that they were more the inspiration for you and not the low PMA post I started this thread with. But regardless of what your inspiration truly was, remember always inspiration comes from the Lord. He just uses us as the messenger. Come visit often!

Cathy writes: Welcome to Piecing, I followed you at MLC.

Remember "patience" and that the Lord is working on your H still...he will come around. Have you read the "Power of a Praying Wife?"

Hello Cathy, good to see you again! Yes, the Lord has reminded me of patience ALL day today. HE still has quite a work to complete in me!! Everyone is quick to tell me that my H will come around and I get great comfort from that.

No, I have not read the "Power of a Praying Wife." But I have seen the book. The author is Stormie O'Martian (sp?), correct? You can rest assured that I understand the power of prayer and I pray unceasingly every day!

Thank you all for posting and welcoming me to the forum. My PMA is up and I think we are off to a great start.

God Bless,
LG