My H and I have been living apart for 4 months. Over the past 4 months, we have made great progress. Thanks to Divorce Busting I have seen some real improvements in my H over the past 2 months. You do need to know that my H is not involved or aware of Divorce Busting or any actions I have been puting into place. My H does now appear to be much closer to me, we see each other every day as we have a 15 month daughter. We go out for days together, and are goign away at weekend together as a family. He has tea with us every night, and we have starteda physical relationship again. Therefore all the signs are positive in us reconciling our relationship. As each week passess I see small baby steps from him that are postive steps in the right direction. My only concern is WHEN will he reach the point when he decided to move back in. I have tried and actioned alot of the points and advice in Divorce Busting which have defintely worked, BUT the final hurdle, so to speak of him actually moving back home just still seems to be a massive hurdle. I cannot approach him directly with this question, as this would just push him in the other direction and potentially undoe alot of the good we have achieved this past couple of months.
Does anyone have any advice how I can overcome what seems like this final hurdle in us reconciling completely?
Don't push it. Actually, don't even bring it up. When he's ready, when he's comfortable, he will move back in. You don't want to rush it--it's a process that really needs to happen at the right pace.
We have just come back from a weekend away together with our daughter and dog. It was a lovely weekend. For the first time it seemed liek we were completely at ease with each other. We slept in the same bed, laughed and joked with each other just like old times. He even kept holding my hand in bed at night time. When we came back I felt really sad as I just did not want him to go. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I had had such a good few days and that I did not want it to end. All he said was is - oh well back to reality. I feel like our relationship has really built back up and is back onto a good strong level now. My H told me he had a really good time when he was away and seemed really positive about everything. But why will he not come home? If things have got really good between us again why is this not enough for him to make the decision to move back?
Things going really well with H and see posititve improvements every day. I am doing my best not to chase and let him come to me. I have read D R and thought about the 180 and doing the opposite BUT should I be doing these things only if there is a problem. When things are going ok between us should I just carry on with what I am doing? My ultimate goal is for my H to come home and so far things are going ok, but sometimes I confuse myself by thinking well should I do a 180 on the whole situation to see if this would bring him home or would this have a complete negative effect on the whole situation?
Whoever said reconciliation was going to be easy??? My week has been good - great signs from H. He stopped 2 nights this week. On Wed he told me he was going to stay back at his mums that night. He asked me if I was ok with that, and I said no probs. He then said that he had really enjoyed stopping, but he did not think it was right to move back in completely just like that. I told him I understood and that if we had come this far there was no point rushing things. He agreed and said its better to take it slowly. He has also agreed to come out to dinner with my mum and dad for my birthday in a few weeks. So all positive things !!!! So why do I feel so crap? I should be happy and elated this week from my H's actions, but yet I feel even more frustrated and irritable than before. I asked him ifwe stopping last night and he said no, he would go back to his mums. I did not but I really felt like saying to him why?? If he has altready stopped 2 nights this week why does he not stop for another. I know the problem is that when he gives me some postitve signs it is great, but then I always want more. I cannot seem to be happy with what he is giving me, I feel like my patience is running out. He still has his wierd phases as well. Last night he told me he is going out Sat night. I said no probs, I was going out Sunday night. So I then casually said to him that if neither of us was doing anything Friday night shall we get a takeaway? He seemed to change at this small request, and said ' dont start planning for me, I do not know what I am doing yet? ( even though he had just said he was not going out Friday) ????? I cannot understand why he reacts like this sometimes over the smallest things. It seems like we have massive steps forward and then take a step back as if he suddenly starts panicing!!
This has got to be the most hardest and painstaking thing I have ever had to endure. Even now, when things look really positive for me and my H It is still really difficult.
It is really hard to keep your motivation up at times, and from my experiences I do go through periods when I too feel like throwing the towel in and giving up. The effort I have put into my marriage over the past 6 months has completely worn me out. At times I feel really drained. Everyones situation is different, For me when I feel like this I always find I tend to pick myself up a few days later, and then things start becoming really positive again. I had a negative week last week, mainly becuase I felt unwell, but then this weekend I have seen some big steps forward from my H. He now only goes out once a week with his mates, rather than 2 o 3 times as he was doing when we split up. He came round Sunday all day for dinner and stopped until about 10pm. Plus the best of all is he has offered to take me out this Friday for a few drinks and a meal for my birthday!! It was only 2-3 weeks ago that he was saying that he did not feel ready to go out for a night with me yet, as to him that was more or less saying we are back together... So for me at the moment baby steps, however small or large they are are significant to my situation. Things are, and continue to get better every week BUT we do still have bad days when you just think to yourself, will this ever be normal again??
Got this big night out tonight with my H for my birthday - really looking forward to it as first time we have been out together since we split up. All going well, until last night he turned up and told me he was going out last night with his mates for a few beers and of he went. I tried to very subtly hint to him how much I was looking forward to Friday night with him, and for him to take it steady. He has to get up for 6am every morning for work so if he went mad and ended up going to a club he would not get in until 3am, and have 3 hours sleep, and hence not be in a too great mood for our night out.
I do not know what it is, but every time things are going well, its like something comes along and slaps you in the face and brings you down to earth with a bump. I am now worried becuase I know what my H's is like. He might go out with the intention of only having a few beers, but once he gets out he cannot say no, and I am sure he will have gone clubbing. What can I do? I am worried that when I see him later and he tells me what he did last night, that I am going to react and the last thing I want to do is have an argument before we go out and spoil the night. On the other hand if he is tired and miserable becuase he went out clubbing last night, then this will upset me as it will spoil our evening.
All i want is to have a really good night, and I do not want anything to spoil it..
Get a large roll of duct tape and put some over your mouth!!! (okay, IMAGINARY duct tape).
He's an adult, he has to make his own decisions about time management, if he thinks he can do both, you will be perceived as controlling and bossy if you butt in. My H always tries to cram too many things into too small a time slot - and you know what? It's not MY job to police him! Yes, I know, you think it will cut into this evening out that you have such high expectations for. Don't forget one of the big rules of DBing - LOW expectations, high PMA. You're about to go into this date with just the opposite - trust me, it won't get you where you want to go.
I have learnt more than ever this weekend how important it is to let our H's come to us in their own time and at their own pace. me and my H had a great night out together, and a really good week overall. Then last night we were going out with my parents for a meal so I asked him to stop the night and well, the change in him was unbelievable. He got moody, starting arguing with me, and started bringing up all the old things right back from the beginning again. I walked away and gave him some time, and when I went back to him we talked a bit more sensibly. He told me that he could not stand it when i put pressure on him in any way, and that when I did if just felt like running again. He said that he needed to come home in his own time when he was ready and not through anyone puting pressure on him. He said he was happier at the moment just stopping 2/3 nights a week and if I kept puting pressure on him to stop more then he would stop staying all together. I did start to argue back with him, I just could not help it, but then I stopped myself. Within the hour he was back to his normal happy, laughing self. Its like he still has this jeckle and hyde character, and he can turn it on and off so quickly.
When he becomes moody its so hard not to argue back as he can be verbally so nasty. He brings up all the things from the past and throws them back in my face blaming me for everything, saying I never listened to him or I never saw the signs. He also says things like ' well I have had to put up with you being in control for 13 years so I think the least you can do is put up with me being in control for 6 months'!! The things he says when he is like this is so unfair and they do hurt. But I try and take myself back to the beginning and remember not to take it to heart all that they say when they are mad .
On a positive side I suppose its good that my H can now tell me when he is unhappy and why! At the end of the day I need to know these things to be able to put them right. Its so hard - I never imagined it would ever take this long to come right, but I am realising that even though we are working things out and getting there there is still a long way to go yet!!
(okay, IMAGINARY duct tape).