The Fat lady has sung...It's really over this time

[Underdog]

Nik,

I've not posted to you before, but I do lurk. We have some common friends back east, and I'll be heading there over Thanksigiving and am hoping to catch up with a few of you if you are interested.

That being said, I find myself relating so well with your sitch. Nearly 2 years ago (after a couple years of wondering when the proverbial shoe would eventually drop), Mr. Wonderful moved out.

Believe me, the memory is still fresh enough to bring me to tears when I'm not feeling very strong. But the mutual DB friends we have indicate you ARE tough. That's going to help you on this journey, hon.

The reality that H wants the kids but NOT me is a hard pill to swallow. I know I have a lot of great qualities but it is definately a blow to my self esteem knowing H does not WANT me.

I know you find this tough to believe, but one day you're going to have a light bulb moment about this thought. That light bulb moment will occur when you realize that your H doesn't even have the slightest idea of what he DOES want, so how on earth can he say with any conviction that he does NOT want you?

Then you're going to see that instead of rejecting you, he's running. You just seem like a good reason for him to run away? Maybe he's tired of the struggles and feels that there is no better answer?

What I would love to see for you is to accept you for who you are. Girlfriend, you have tried hard to turn this boat around all by yourself. If you are anything like me, you need a little respite. Please use those times that you get it to nurture yourself.

I know that there is a camp of people who believe that moving out sounds the death knell. But there are quite a few folks here who have been able to use the physical separation to really DB their butts off. Hopefully, your H will discover that the separation was not the answer he had hoped to see.

Mine has said he does see this. But for whatever reason, he's paralyzed--seemingly unable to take the steps he knows he needs to take to make himself feel better. I believe if he had chosen to do the work, I'd be in a position to see his weak attempts at hoping to reconcile as baby steps. But in my case, it's been 2 years since the bomb dropped and he has done absolutely NOTHING about anything. I can't imagine a life of more of the same?

Back to you. I, too, had some weight loss to consider for quite awhile. I was too overwhelmed to do anything about it in the beginning. It was enough for me to take care of 2 little girls by myself. When I was ready to get serious about it, I did. (Hey, I logged 40 lbs off the scale this year and I'm feeling good.)

I've had a few people ask me why I didn't do it the moment Mr. W. moved out? Like I needed more stress? I could barely function, let alone follow a weight loss regimen.

What I'm trying to say in a very long winded way is be gentle with yourself for awhile. You sound like a generous and big-hearted woman, and therefore, you deserve some kindness. Start that ball rolling by committing to doing things for you. It sounds as though you first need some time to take a deep breath and navigate where you want to go...

You know this DB road really well, Nik. Use it to help propel yourself to a better emotional place. With a little prayer and luck, your H will come to this conclusion as well.

Hugs,

Betsey