Brief summary: H 33, Me 34, 3 yr. old and 5 yr. old kids. Bomb hit 2 yrs. ago, NILWY, etc.. Found out this year H had an EA/PA it is now over. We have been S 3x in the past 2 yrs. We get along well. Kids don't know H moved out. I think they think he works at night or something.
Jist: I was the controller and H was the passive one who lied through out our M to avoid conflict at all costs.
We decided to "end" things a few weeks ago then changed our minds. H said he would move back home after his business trip in Aug. H has been procrastinating.
H was now suppose to move home yesterday. We had a "talk" and H does not want to put the effort needed to make our M better. H wants to use his time to be a good dad and pursue an acting career. No time for a R. H does not see himself having a R ever, he wants to do what he wants to do and pursue his dreams.
H said he had thought about the fact that at any time I could get sick of waiting and tell him it's over. H said he did not care if I were to say that. H does not want to be "close" to me.
H wants to continue helping around the house and with the kids. We are planning on telling the kids today that daddy has a new place to live. I think we will leave it at that. Kids are so young.
I hate the thought of sharing the kids at the holidays,etc.. I am so hurt and feel like the bomb hit once again. I come from D parents and it's a life long decision that affects so many people.
Why our M is not salvagable I do not understand. All the issues that H had with me prior to the bomb have been changed. We communicate better. H has learned to be more honest with everyone, etc.. H has no complaints now, he just doesn't love ME.
Nik - it's been nearly a year since we met at MAL's beach weekend (different user name) and I am trying to keep a low profile on the boards. I agree with Pam - it is a good sign that H feels that the kids are an important part of his life. If he does change his mind, it wouldn't be the first time...
Have you given any thoughts to maybe going a shade of dark once he moves out?
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Nik -- Is it possible that the task feels too daunting to h?
Quote: H was now suppose to move home yesterday. We had a "talk" and H does not want to put the effort needed to make our M better. H wants to use his time to be a good dad and pursue an acting career. No time for a R. H does not see himself having a R ever, he wants to do what he wants to do and pursue his dreams.
I'm wondering if the two of you during the "talk" came up with a laundry list of things the M "needed" to be better -- and maybe that felt overwhelming?
I'm shooting in the dark here, obviously, but just thinking that if the M was painted as needing a bunch of "work" that maybe h felt "well, it's gonna take too much to even get there so why try?"
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Pam, Yes, it is good that he is willing to help with the kids and is a good father when he is around. We must always focus more on the positive more than the negative. Thanks!
Daybreak, give me a hint of who you are? I can keep a secret! H moved out for the 3rd time in April. H was "planning" to come home per his decision but then backed out.
Sage, Actually, we did not make a list of the things that need to be improved. H just knows that I want a good/great M and that that does take work on both sides.
Yes, the task may seem to daunting. I would agree that the whole thing is alot of pressure.
We are planning to tell the kids on wed. now. Yesterday, we got side tracked and then it got too late to show the kids the apt. so we are delaying it until tomorrow.
H and I did some talking yesterday and H has felt that during our whole M he was judged for what he wanted to do or did. H felt closed in and does not want to feel that he is doing something wrong. Like, having women as friends. Going out to lunch with a woman friend, things like that.
I do admit I have been very jealous and insecure in the past. I think I am still insecure but I do a better job of hiding my insecurities now.
H also apologized again about the EA. H still says it was only an EA and no ML occured.
So that's the latest. I am so mad at him but at the same time it is always nice to just chat. I am feeling better. I know the kids will do fine when we tell them. At least that is what I want to believe. We will only say that Daddy has a new place to live and nothing more.
The most important thing you can do for the kids is to have an amicable relationship with H. IMO...that has helped my kids immensely in dealing with D.
Only tell the kids what they need to know....nothing less and nothing more.
Nik - sorry if I was a bit cryptic. We met at the DB weekend that MAL hosted in Va Beach last September - just before I left the bb. I was the guy with the Hawaiian shirt...
Bob
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Nik, Hogging your thread for a sec, Bob! You are back! How are you? I was thinking of you with college football starting and remembering watching it last year at the weekend! I hope all is well with you, we have missed you around these parts.
Nik, It really, truly sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. He seems to change his mind at every juncture, possibly taking his lead from you -- maybe sensing you aren't ready to have him back as you don't think he is, thus he backs off.
Live your life, for you, do what makes you happy. I think eventually the elevator will hit the top and he will realize what he has always wanted was right in front of him, but how long are you willing/able to wait? Take things slow. Look at my H, after stringing me along for a year, he finally moves out and says similar words to yours, signs a one year lease, because he will never feel that way again, and 4 months later is back. But, more than ever, now is the time to drop the rope. Let him define his relationship with the kids, don't mediate, don't make it easy for him, be kind, but nothing else. I think we are such fixers we help them figure out how to interact with the kids and when the kids refuse to talk to them on the phone, we'll say things like they were talking about you earlier, just to make our Hs feel better. But that stops.
The best advice I ever got here was to only answer what the kids ask. Don't go overboard on explanations, they will only ask what they can handle or understand. I stuck to that during the S and it helped. And when I wanted to overexplain to them, I stopped myself. And I think the majority of us here are a bit verbose and can analyse the hell out of anything.
Good luck, this really sucks, but you have the strength to see you through. And by the grace of God maybe he'll get his head out of the sand before it is too late!
Nik and Jackie - I'm doing fine. I'm keeping a low profile on the boards. I've been e-mailing KAW and Hoping - I can copy to you if your're interested...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
