No, not the Rod Serling kind, but something like it. I haven't been hanging out here on a regular basis since I went on vacation at the end of July, and it's partly due to laziness, partly due to getting out of synch with everyone here, and partly due to not having much to post about. I considered several possible titles for this thread, with the strongest contender being "Clueless in Canada", kinda like "Sleepless in Seattle", but in the end, I think Twilight Zone is a better reflection on where I'm at.
W and I ML (sort of) the other night, and that was the one and only attempt in August, and it was a load of crap. I can't even remember exactly which night it was, it was so bad. I do know that I had requested LM one evening on the way home from work, and she had agreed, but S18 had some friends over that night, and by the end of the evening we were both too tired, and I suggested (and she agreed) it would be the following night. So the following night, we did ML, but halfway through she started making "pain" faces, so I asked her if she was in pain and she said "Yes", so I stopped and laid down beside her, and she started a half-hearted attempt at a hand job, which I finished.
So all during August, there was no LM, and not even a suggestion on her part. For my part, there were many times I wanted to, but again laziness and ennui took over, or maybe it was a part of me not wanting to always have to initiate... I don't know. So during that time, aside from the fact that I was busy with a bunch of stuff, I just didn't feel like hanging out here, because I didn't really have anything to contribute, and every time I came here there were so many new posts it just seemed hopeless to get caught up.
So at this point, I'm pretty clueless about my sitch. I feel like we have lost all the progress I fought so hard for, and it's hard to even get myself motivated to talk to her about it. Neither of us has done any reading in weeks. It's kinda like when we went on vacation, we also took a vacation from the R. Now we're getting into "back to school" stuff, which means she's always preoccupied, and I'm feeling like I'm selling myself out. I guess I'm going to have to confront her on it again soon.
It's weird... she will (apparently) NEVER initiate, although lately when I indicate I would like to ML, the answer seems to be an "automatic" "Yes", although she never seems very enthusiastic about it. It's like her main focus is trying to make sure I'm satisfied, but with no focus at all on meeting her own needs. So it's kind of like we've slid back into the "black hole", but with differences. And the weird thing is, I'm not really sure any more just how I feel about all this. That's not like me. Maybe part of it is like "If this is the best you can do, why would I want to ML to you?" But for the most part it's more like I can't really bring myself to care... very weird....
Hi Tim! It's good to see you again. I recently popped back in after a long absence so I understand where you're coming from - hard to catch up and (sadly, in a way) so many new faces.
I'm sorry that nothing's really better between you and W. You sound depressed about it, which is understandable. The worst feeling of all is not even feeling anything. I'm the last person to give words of wisdom (since my own situation is such a mess) but I'm glad you're back. You've come to the right place to vent, let off steam, bounce stuff off of people who are in a more clear-thinking place, etc. I'm glad you're here.
Hi Tim. Let me be the first to say that it really sucks to see you again. But only because I had this vision of you and Ms. Tim walking happily into the sunset. Well, maybe not "walking." Anywho, I've been missing your sage advice, but am so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing. Sounds like maybe counseling might help? I'm not a big fan of counseling, but if you, the PM pro can't get through to her, maybe it's time to call a professional.
Sorry, no sage advice at the moment, hence the silence... Yoda ain't home...
Quote: Sounds like maybe counseling might help?
I hope so. A couple months ago I called my EA counsellor and asked if she'd be willing to read the book and then work with us on that basis, and she agreed. Waiting to hear from her (I imagine she's busy reading and thinking)...
Quote: ...but if you, the PM pro can't get through to her...
Whoa... To whatever extent anything I ever posted left anyone with THAT impression, I surely regret it. Nothin' like getting whacked in the haid with your own inabilities to bring you down a peg or two...
I'm happy you've returned to the board, but sorry to hear things are going so poorly. My sich is vastly improved but I must say that your twilight zone report is giving me a bit of a "long term hopelessness" feeling.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: ...but I must say that your twilight zone report is giving me a bit of a "long term hopelessness" feeling.
Hey, Mojo, let's not cancel each other out!! Your sitch is going so well, it's one of the reasons I still have hope. Don't assume that because I've fallen that you're bound to follow. You have managed to go where I hope to. Don't look back!
Yep, it's me, the dreaded one, with a dreaded suggestion :-)
You knew it was coming.
You've lost your mojo (not MM, the other one) :-)
Seriously. You have lost your emotional connection with your wife. Been there, done that - more than a few times.
So, you get a version of AntlerDave's prescription.
Five times a day, hug your wife, nibble snuffle, kiss her neck, kiss her cheek and tell her you love her.
Repeat the above daily.
Make love to her three times a week. Nothing fancy, just make sure that it is done in a loving way.
Repeat all the above for three weeks. You emotional connection will return.
You are just out of practice.
This is why I like a schedule. A schedule will force you back together even when you don't particularly feel like it. When you are 'forced' together, the schedule is the initiator. Having a schedule makes it hard not to stay connected to your spouse as the lack of connection becomes quickly apparent. A schedule makes for good maintenance of the relationship.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Tim, welcome back for another season of "As The M Turns" and hang on, it's going to be a wild ride.
I hope you can reconnect with your W soon. NOP is "crazy" with that schedule thing, but for him, it works. For me, I "Just Do It" (the ol' Nike slogan) and W gets into LM after it starts (she's one of those "I don't think about ML or get aroused until I'm physically stimulated" types of people, which is probably why she doesn't initiate much). I have made up my mind to ML 3-4 times a week for the month of September (I was thinking 15/30 but that's a bit ambitious), and I'm just waiting for my W to say something stupid like "again? isn't twice a week enough?"
Your sitch is going so well, it's one of the reasons I still have hope. Don't assume that because I've fallen that you're bound to follow. You have managed to go where I hope to. Don't look back!
