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Glad you shared about mil. I think if you examine the actions of H's mom, and then H's programmed responses, defense mechanisms, expected behaviours, etc. from the point of view of being raised by a woman that expects you to model bras for her and wants to know why you don't like her style, they will start to make sense.

Oh it makes sense for me...but for me to point to his upbringing and say "see! this is why he is the way he is" doesn't really get the message across as well as me just giving an example of his parents ways and having you (and others) make that deduction.

With that in mind, it's no wonder H doesn't get it - that you want him to initiate dates, and quality time, and physical affection.
1) His mom probably dominated his upbringing, and even if he did rebel, she is his model for R in M.
eee gads!
2) Those aren't his LL, so telling him doesn't help him understand them.
but his family IS pretty affectionate. though I'm not big on pda's I can't help but wonder w'sup with h..and why he is so different...unless of course he isn't it's just the dynamic with me and well...that scares me cause it causes me to further question his honesty about his a being only an ea.

In my case, W's LL is physical touch, completely foreign to me. I feel extremely awkward walking up to W and hugging her. Same with my kids - hugging is just not something I do. Took 30 years before I would hug my parents, and I've only hugged my Dad once. During my homecoming from Iraq we shook hands! Anyway - what I'm trying to share is how difficult it can be to appreciate the significance of a LL that is foreign to us.

trust me I understand the difficulty and have learned to hear others when they speak their particular lang as well as to learn to speak theirs...I'm just wondering when the hell they (esp h) are going to respect mine..hear them..speak them etc.

I've learned to recognize in W's body language that a hug has a whole different meaning to her than it does to me. THis is my W - and I still feel awkward hugging her

LL - KOFTGF,
I don't know what KOFTGF means

You've got some good goals. Keep working on defining specific actions you want H to do, and then figure out what you can do to influence and teach H.

been trying. it's slow moving.

Vent all your negativity and frustration, and warped MIL shopping stories , here, and spend your positive energy on doing something different with H.

is what I try to do but unfortunatley it sends the wrong message.

Oh, and what I meant by the "whatever" pun, was if you include as a choice of activities a), b) & c) whatever - H is going to choose c) whatever, and expect you to decide what to do. Although you think you are being clear, H thinks he is being clear too. He will do whatever you want to, and since you are leaving it up to him, he does whatever he always does.

boo!

plk