Quote: Maybe a book and some new videos for the kids, some games you could play with them so they can be kids instead of little adults and just try to make the best of it. For Christmas visits, ask if the first stop can be your choice.
I plan on bringing some of there current special things...those which hold their attention the longest. As far as Christmas goes...we've already established that we will have it here (both families welcome) until another member of the family has young children and wishes to have it at their home.
hope you are doing well Mellanie, I appreciate your contnious stops by and appologize for my neglect of your threads...I just don't always have the gumption to say anything productive.
Quote: I want to get a masters degree in counselling (and of course I wouldn't be so blunt)
Blunt is good!!! I think most therapists suffer from a deficiency of bluntness!!!!
Ellie
And I apparently suffer from a case of ask me a question you are going to get an honest anwer and you may not like it. I already have a bs in human services (minored in counselling) the only reason I didn't go right into the field upon commencment (in 94) was 1. I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with it 2. knew I would soon marry and start a family and wanted to not have to shove asside a career I could very well pick up (and more likely with better reception..let's face it no one would believe a 20 something year old could help them with their problems) later in life with more focus.
Glad you shared about mil. I think if you examine the actions of H's mom, and then H's programmed responses, defense mechanisms, expected behaviours, etc. from the point of view of being raised by a woman that expects you to model bras for her and wants to know why you don't like her style, they will start to make sense.
With that in mind, it's no wonder H doesn't get it - that you want him to initiate dates, and quality time, and physical affection. 1) His mom probably dominated his upbringing, and even if he did rebel, she is his model for R in M. 2) Those aren't his LL, so telling him doesn't help him understand them.
In my case, W's LL is physical touch, completely foreign to me. I feel extremely awkward walking up to W and hugging her. Same with my kids - hugging is just not something I do. Took 30 years before I would hug my parents, and I've only hugged my Dad once. During my homecoming from Iraq we shook hands! Anyway - what I'm trying to share is how difficult it can be to appreciate the significance of a LL that is foreign to us. I've learned to recognize in W's body language that a hug has a whole different meaning to her than it does to me. THis is my W - and I still feel awkward hugging her
LL - KOFTGF, You've got some good goals. Keep working on defining specific actions you want H to do, and then figure out what you can do to influence and teach H. Vent all your negativity and frustration, and warped MIL shopping stories , here, and spend your positive energy on doing something different with H.
Oh, and what I meant by the "whatever" pun, was if you include as a choice of activities a), b) & c) whatever - H is going to choose c) whatever, and expect you to decide what to do. Although you think you are being clear, H thinks he is being clear too. He will do whatever you want to, and since you are leaving it up to him, he does whatever he always does.
Quote: Glad you shared about mil. I think if you examine the actions of H's mom, and then H's programmed responses, defense mechanisms, expected behaviours, etc. from the point of view of being raised by a woman that expects you to model bras for her and wants to know why you don't like her style, they will start to make sense.
Oh it makes sense for me...but for me to point to his upbringing and say "see! this is why he is the way he is" doesn't really get the message across as well as me just giving an example of his parents ways and having you (and others) make that deduction.
With that in mind, it's no wonder H doesn't get it - that you want him to initiate dates, and quality time, and physical affection. 1) His mom probably dominated his upbringing, and even if he did rebel, she is his model for R in M. eee gads! 2) Those aren't his LL, so telling him doesn't help him understand them. but his family IS pretty affectionate. though I'm not big on pda's I can't help but wonder w'sup with h..and why he is so different...unless of course he isn't it's just the dynamic with me and well...that scares me cause it causes me to further question his honesty about his a being only an ea.
In my case, W's LL is physical touch, completely foreign to me. I feel extremely awkward walking up to W and hugging her. Same with my kids - hugging is just not something I do. Took 30 years before I would hug my parents, and I've only hugged my Dad once. During my homecoming from Iraq we shook hands! Anyway - what I'm trying to share is how difficult it can be to appreciate the significance of a LL that is foreign to us.
trust me I understand the difficulty and have learned to hear others when they speak their particular lang as well as to learn to speak theirs...I'm just wondering when the hell they (esp h) are going to respect mine..hear them..speak them etc.
I've learned to recognize in W's body language that a hug has a whole different meaning to her than it does to me. THis is my W - and I still feel awkward hugging her
LL - KOFTGF, I don't know what KOFTGF means
You've got some good goals. Keep working on defining specific actions you want H to do, and then figure out what you can do to influence and teach H.
been trying. it's slow moving.
Vent all your negativity and frustration, and warped MIL shopping stories , here, and spend your positive energy on doing something different with H.
is what I try to do but unfortunatley it sends the wrong message.
Oh, and what I meant by the "whatever" pun, was if you include as a choice of activities a), b) & c) whatever - H is going to choose c) whatever, and expect you to decide what to do. Although you think you are being clear, H thinks he is being clear too. He will do whatever you want to, and since you are leaving it up to him, he does whatever he always does.
DBing does not end with self improvement, that is the easy part. The tough part is getting S to recognize they can benefit from similar improvements, and trying to "force" them to understand simply doesn't work. They have to have an "Aha Moment" of understanding, then we will begin to fully recognize the benefits of our DBing work.
I think the trap we have fallen into is believing that our S is unwilling or unable to change. This is not true, they just can not see the benefits of change.
We need to continue to clearly define our needs, find the right time to express those needs to our S, and then help them meet our needs. Done correctly, eventually S will figure it out. Some need to be told, some can't be told, every S is different.
as far as sending the wrong message from your venting, I hear you. I've noticed some DBers state "Just Venting" to clarify a reply to the emotion in a post is not necessary. You'll still get replies, use those replies to get a different persepctive on what you wrote, and using that information to clarify points that are still troubling you.
and wants to know why you don't like her style, they will start to make sense.
