We've been at this a while, doing our best to DB and make positive changes. Like I shared on my thread, time isn't what makes it easier, effort over time is. Specifically, goal oriented effort.
yes! I've got the goals in mind just no way to reach them.
When I made the effort today to review my original goals I thought would show my actions were having an affect, I realized that almost 90% of them were being met! So why was I still so miserable? Why was I no longer as dedicated to having a new - happy M as I was at first?
I hadn't acknowledged that I was getting what I wanted, and I hadn't established new goals to keep the progress going.
I'm not getting 25% of what I wanted so why start new goals to add to the dissapointment unless they are goals that have nothing to do with my m?
In your case:
Quote: I would like: one night a week set asside for us to spend some qt together... I would like more physical intimacy
So my question to you is, although taking the family out isn't exactly quality time alone, is it a step in the right direction for H? yes it is, but it's not a regular occuarance and isn't likely to continue...it is a result of an arugument..a satiating expression...mere frosting...if however it was to become a regular thing that would be something else..but as you know with the was they want to know if the "changes are for real and will last" I am no different than a was at this point.
You want him to spend time with you, but you are resentful when he leaves a voicemail suggesting the family spend time together!?!
Not resentful at all. Simply puzzled as to why now? why after an expression of displeasure with how things have been going...why not when I simply ask or suggest? why as a result of a statement of "this sucks" do things suddenly seem to get better?
Take Credit for the little things! and IMHO is time you re-examine your goals, and pick the right time to ask again for what you want.
I'm pretty tired of asking for what I want. If I have to ask my h to be physical with me (in other words have sex or sexual contact) well then I really don't want to. or if I have to ask him to spend time with me well then am I going to appreciate it when we go out? I've asked far to many times...stated it again and again..gave up...had councelor suggest it...was denied and so I stay silent taking myself out instead...hoping he will fall asleep on the couch so at least I can have sexual gratification with myself while he's not there instead of wanting it but fearing the constant rejection and thus going without since he rarely initiates.
From a man's point of view, we don't screw-up and buy flowers. We buy flowers and then screw-up, buy flowers and then screw-up....
my h only buys flowers on birthdays, anniversaries or valentines day..other than that I fill the vase myself.
We need action oriented, specific requests. If you tell me you want to spend the evening playing cards, darts, or whatever - okay, whatever. You get whatever you ask for, pun intended.
I've specifically stated..staying awake is key...don't know what your "whatever" is meant to imply but I've been clear that falling asleep on the other couch isn't quality connecting time.
Finally, it may be in your previous posts, but revisiting it now was helpful for me, What have you determined are H's Love Languages and what are you doing to make HIM feel loved?
acts of service- I cook, I clean, I pick up for him what he needs, I help out with whatever job he's got planned for outside (like filling a wheelbarrow with crushed stone to put around the shed) when he's busy with work I always offer to help out in anyway I can though it's rare that he'll let me.
words of affirmation- letting him know what a great job he's done at developing and maintaining the yard and his business this one is BIG since it seems OW pretty much got him with it..."going to bat for him with some other customers that were questioning his billing"
gifts- have to stop myself from picking him up needless things representing his football team but do ask anytime I'm going to the store if he needs anything which ties in to aos
physical touch-doesn't seem to be his ll at all and I'm insulted when rejected so don't much bother anymore
quality time-also doesn't seem to be high up on his ll list so I give him his space but am available
plk
I often regret the fact that I've been so honest and open on the bb...so real and true to who I am...for it seems that in doing so I've presented an image of formidableness (I can't spell for [censored] regularly never mind after a few glasses of wine and a philosophical book club discussion) What some may recognize but other don't see is that I am not at all what a first impression may gather.
