a confrontation occurs where I state these feelings...
a further gap seems to be created...more distance and then
h leaves a message on the phone suggesting we (I assume the kids and us) go out do dinner tonight...but alas within the message he realizes tonight wont work becuase 1. I have book club 2. he's working with the crew and will therefore be dirty...so suggest the possibility of tommorow night.
Where's your confusion? You blew up at him and he's trying to defuse the tension. He's probably frightened of your tirades - heck, LL, you scare ME sometimes (just kidding )
Look, I know all about that trick - being the martyr, getting madder and madder and keeping it all in, then lashing out. I used to be a pro at it. You know what? IT DOESN'T WORK. It is NOT the way to a healthy R, or to getting the things you want out of him.
What I've (finally) learned to do, is to simply address things immediately when they come up - calmly, non-accusatory, - simply ask the questions as they arise. Usually H had no idea I would interpret whatever he was doing in that way, or there's a completely different explanation I never thought of (the Itchy Butt theory), or else he apologizes swiftly for whatever minor issue it was, and then we go about our day. It is SO much better than building up all that rage and resentment, and the more we do it, the better we get at it.
So take some responsibility for your part (holding it in and then exploding), give him some validation for being the first one to break the ice (btw, most guys don't seem to use "talking" as their method of resolving things, so I don't think your H is alone in this) - and try to be as loving and grateful for his gesture as you can. You want to encourage this kind of behavior, don't you??
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