I can really relate. I remember posting somewhere here a "what if", as in what if I db my butt off and get this guy back and once he's here I decide I really don't want him here after all? What's it all for?
My kids are still young enough not to know what's really happening, their father is home, their life is still uneffected by all this crud and with any luck, H will come around and get back to life as it supposed to be, whatever that is
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
What do you really want? Can your H provide it? Seems to me he thinks everything's fine and isn't going to do anything to make things different, now what?
An more importantly will I be visiting this site five years from now to find you're still here.
I can relate also. Have someone in my life who I saw for many years and was not exactly treated the greatest by him, but was SO in love I was totally blind. He comes back into the picture and I am not so blind anymore. In my case, way too little way too late. Perhaps we come to feel that way to not get hurt anymore...you've obviously been through a great deal, so hang in there if you can...but I do understand and I am sure many others do as well...
LL, for me i am still at the beginning of my BDing. but i feel just like you do alot. what if i go through all of this mess, and he is the same half time h and part time father he was? i would rather be alone then have that. humm that is definatly something to think about as i worry about the next time he may call, or if i can get my hair just perfect for him???. it actually makes it easier on me. because this man will now have to prove i am worth it before i will accept him again. cuz i am worth it, and i can, at any time, go and find a man who will give me what i deserve. and so can you!
Let me ask you this...how do you think h feels about the M right now? What do you think he would say if we asked him? (no fair copping out and saying he wouldn't answer...we're talking h in full honesty mode, or h with truth serum + a few drinks in him).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
thank you for your replies...it does help to know that people don't think I'm just a serial complainer not worthy of a reply...I do hope that I wont still be posting the same things in 5 years...in fact I hope to not be even looking at this site in 5 years.
Sage,
Quote: Let me ask you this...how do you think h feels about the M right now? If I had to make assumptions they would be all over the board...first I'd think he feels the m is good because we both just go about our business from day to day and things get done...BUT then I'd stop and think well...he can't think that's good since after all he was "missing" something that "connection" and went to ow for it. Since things aren't at all much different (in fact to me they seem worse) than before the seperation he must either still be missing that connection or has resided to live without it for the "benifit of his family"
What do you think he would say if we asked him? (no fair copping out and saying he wouldn't answer...we're talking h in full honesty mode, or h with truth serum + a few drinks in him). I don't think h would have anything bad to say about me I just think he (or at least I hope he would) would admit to the lack of "connection" or "being on the same page" and of course he may just think everythings fine but that he just married an insatiable nutbag who just isn't happy to have a home provided for her.
i dont really have anything useful to say, other then, i hear you!! . and i dont think you are a complainer. i completely respect you for knowing what you want, and not being happy with settling.
sometimes "it's" just not there...what is that "it" is it some ridiculous fantasy of romance and a swept off the feet feeling or is it simply a sense of companionship and connection?
Sad to say that "it" in some manner of speaking really isn't here and probably never was. Am I now taking on the ideas that h had when he became a wah? I don't think so...I think that h and I were probably being the most honest with eachother and ourselves when we were discussing the dissolution of this marraige...I think it was simply the fear of "breaking the family" or "damaging the children" etc that caused us to "get back together" I have to put "get back together" in quotes because it's pretty clear that we aren't actually back together in any healthy mental sense of the word and barely in the physical sense...in other words it seems we simply stopped living in seperate residences and took up pretending to be h and w again and doing a poor job at pretending I might add.
I feel very trapped now. I had a chance at some breathing room...I had a chance at honesty...at open communication...and now it seems I must either reside to a live of living with a roomate who I cook for, do laundry for and clean up after but who's life I have very little if anything to do with (by his own choice) or become the bitch who suddenly for seemingly no good reason wanted out.
I can say with all honesty that if there were no children involved in this r I would no longer be in it. Infact, I think I can honestly say that if not for the children I would not have allowed h back into my life.
I can ASSume that h feels the same way.
So then, is it even worth it?
I have become so unmotivated at trying to "fix" this marraige that I feel like now I'm just biding my time...and perhaps h is simply doing the same thing. It wasn't long after he started coming home (like before he actually gave up the apartment) that I began thinking this was simply "for the kids" and that it wouldn't last.
I don't know if it's a matter of each of us just not being cut out for marriage or if we truly are incompatable.
I have no other explanation for why it is that h seems to have no desire to fulfill even the most basic of my needs when for years I've bent over backwards meeting his.
we got together very young, had little in common, few if any shared interests, differing personalities, different desires etc. and those differences seem to have only served to further push us apart rather than have us grow together with time.
nothing can be said to h nothing can be discussed nothing changes unless I just pretend I'm happy (when I'm clearly not) and then the changes are minimal at best and never lasting. I can't continue this donna read life forever and since it seems that is the life h enjoys he's going to one day be living it alone...or at least without me!
I just don't know anymore and frankly I'm not even sure if I care.
I'm right there with you. I think my H is at least interested at this time, to make a go of it, but I also know he is worried that it's not going to be enough. I reminded him that I have lived without love in my life for the last 1 1/2 years. At least he had that with OW. I have a lot of things I need to work through before we can make progress. I watched him sit in his chair and watch TV all day long, snacking and snoozing. Then when it was time for supper, he wasn't hungry. Why do I bother?
So, I too wonder when will it be my turn to be loved, cared for. I'm not sure he's up to the challenge. I'm still hopefull, but not convinced.
It was easier when he was gone, not for the kids, but it was for me. If something needed to be done, I did it. Now I have to tiptoe around and wonder if I dare ask him to do it, or risk offending him by doing it myself. gotta go
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I'm right there with you. I think my H is at least interested at this time, to make a go of it, but I also know he is worried that it's not going to be enough. I reminded him that I have lived without love in my life for the last 1 1/2 years. At least he had that with OW. I have a lot of things I need to work through before we can make progress. I watched him sit in his chair and watch TV all day long, snacking and snoozing. Then when it was time for supper, he wasn't hungry. Why do I bother?
So, I too wonder when will it be my turn to be loved, cared for. I'm not sure he's up to the challenge. I'm still hopefull, but not convinced.
It was easier when he was gone, not for the kids, but it was for me. If something needed to be done, I did it. Now I have to tiptoe around and wonder if I dare ask him to do it, or risk offending him by doing it myself. gotta go
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
. and i dont think you are a complainer. i completely respect you for knowing what you want, and not being happy with settling.