sometimes "it's" just not there...what is that "it" is it some ridiculous fantasy of romance and a swept off the feet feeling or is it simply a sense of companionship and connection?
Sad to say that "it" in some manner of speaking really isn't here and probably never was. Am I now taking on the ideas that h had when he became a wah? I don't think so...I think that h and I were probably being the most honest with eachother and ourselves when we were discussing the dissolution of this marraige...I think it was simply the fear of "breaking the family" or "damaging the children" etc that caused us to "get back together" I have to put "get back together" in quotes because it's pretty clear that we aren't actually back together in any healthy mental sense of the word and barely in the physical sense...in other words it seems we simply stopped living in seperate residences and took up pretending to be h and w again and doing a poor job at pretending I might add.
I feel very trapped now. I had a chance at some breathing room...I had a chance at honesty...at open communication...and now it seems I must either reside to a live of living with a roomate who I cook for, do laundry for and clean up after but who's life I have very little if anything to do with (by his own choice) or become the bitch who suddenly for seemingly no good reason wanted out.
I can say with all honesty that if there were no children involved in this r I would no longer be in it. Infact, I think I can honestly say that if not for the children I would not have allowed h back into my life.
I can ASSume that h feels the same way.
So then, is it even worth it?
I have become so unmotivated at trying to "fix" this marraige that I feel like now I'm just biding my time...and perhaps h is simply doing the same thing. It wasn't long after he started coming home (like before he actually gave up the apartment) that I began thinking this was simply "for the kids" and that it wouldn't last.
I don't know if it's a matter of each of us just not being cut out for marriage or if we truly are incompatable.
I have no other explanation for why it is that h seems to have no desire to fulfill even the most basic of my needs when for years I've bent over backwards meeting his.
we got together very young, had little in common, few if any shared interests, differing personalities, different desires etc. and those differences seem to have only served to further push us apart rather than have us grow together with time.
nothing can be said to h nothing can be discussed nothing changes unless I just pretend I'm happy (when I'm clearly not) and then the changes are minimal at best and never lasting. I can't continue this donna read life forever and since it seems that is the life h enjoys he's going to one day be living it alone...or at least without me!
I just don't know anymore and frankly I'm not even sure if I care.
