I can really relate. I remember posting somewhere here a "what if", as in what if I db my butt off and get this guy back and once he's here I decide I really don't want him here after all? What's it all for?

My kids are still young enough not to know what's really happening, their father is home, their life is still uneffected by all this crud and with any luck, H will come around and get back to life as it supposed to be, whatever that is

Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.