thanks for stopping by. How bout them sox managing to pull it off in the wee hours! hope they do well tonight!
Quote: LL -- When are you doing the ambulance stuff? last summer I took and passed the course so I am officially a certified EMT. Now I'm on call as a 3rd person on Monday nights if there is a call. We also have training meetings once a month that I attend. This will be my first weekend shift and it's only me on the schedule. Sounds like a HUGE deal to me!!! It also seems like the kind of thing they wouldn't let just anybody do so you must be doing great in your class/program! as I said I'm certified, passed the class a year ago...but I wouldn't put me on the schedule alone. I guess people just have too much confidence in me.
It DOES sound like a tremendous amount of responsibility! Have you spoken with anyone else in your program who's already done it? Any suggestions from them? I was told by another volunteer on the service that they (the experienced and higher trained) watch the schedule and try to be around when someone new is covering.
What exactly does it involve? if you live in my town and call 911 for any medical reason...dipatch will tone out our pager system and I will then hear your complaint, name and address. I then go get the ambulance, come to your house, do what I can for you, take you to the hospital, bring the ambulance back to the bay (must radio in to dipatch upon leaving and ariving at destinations) fill out paperwork and replace anything we used to help you. then home for the next call. What if a call comes in? What do you have to do? pray to god that someone else is listening and comes with me...else how am I going to take care of a patient on the way to the hospital.
Sage
just to get an idea I listened to the scanner last Saturday afternoon for a bit and don't ya know in the short time frame that I was listening there were 2 calls within minutes of eachother. Of course more than just the one person on the schedule responded (I believe 3 went to one call and 2 to the other) but ya never do know.
I stopped by the bay this morning after dropping son at school to talk to the director but he wasn't in yet.
suppose I can't let it get to me too much as after all I don't KNOW what's going to happen that day...I can let my mind race with all kinds of "what if" scenarios but I can't DO anything about it til the day comes and goes...I can't wait til Sunday morning.
LL, Its the weekend. i hope you are well, and not too stressed out. i said a silent prayer for everyone in your whole town so that they stay nice and safe this weekend. and i looked out the window, and it is NOT a full moon, .
you know from experience that worrying about things out of your control cannot help you. just take one hour of this weekend at a time. it is not your job to save the world, just do your best and that will be more then enough.
let us know how everything went, though i already know you will do fabulous!!
probably since the day I met her (many moons ago as a teenager) I've had issue with my mil.
It is not that she's a mean person or even that she's a horrible mil BUT...
she's judgemental she expects perfection
I don't know..she's just a lot of things that make me (and well most other people that meet her after the first time) cringe...comments made that sure could be interperted as innocent but could also be taken as a big slap in the face especially when they occur with such seeming regularity.
Don't get me wrong my inlaws really are nice people and they'd do most anything for me but sometimes mil makes my skin crawl and I'm left feeling like "oh this is just wonderful" very sarcasticly of course. It can't be just me that feels this sense of "no matter what you do it will just never be good enough and she'll always find some flaw, praise will not come your way but you will however hear others praised often" perhaps that is why sil is a recovering balemic who instead of eating regularly to get to a normal weight still struggles to stay skinny and got implants to make up the difference.
I guess it's just part of being married...to bad not all inlaws are like my h's inlaws
I have thought about this for some time and no not in the same manner of a waw....
I've come to the conclusion that I am not in love with my husband...I don't even know if I like him.
I know he's a person and probably even has a personality to boot...but it's just not clicking with me...
it's not a new thing...
didn't come about because of ow...
didn't come about because of the sit...
an example I have of this "lack of spark" does come from after disclosure of ea ow but is pretty much an example of the way it has been for god knows how long...
h and I after discovery of ow started having weekly date nights and often doubled with another couple that live in the area (he used to be friend with the h of that couple but is no longer...I am still friends with them however...the end of his friendship has nothing to do with me but more to do with his box lifestyle) we were out at a pool hall waiting for a table...we all sat at the bar when the wife said to my h..."you gotta lighten up" I turned to her and let her know it had nothing to do with her that was just the way he was and that it was probably more me than her or her h...not two seconds later one of his football buddies showed up at the bar and poof! my h came to live was all smiles and talkative and well...alive. No sooner did the buddie leave did h return to the misserable silent serious man I'm used to.
h can spend hours on the phone with his buddie but is silent around me...
I just spent 4+ days away with him (without the kids) and it was the most lonley I've felt lately. He spent the majority of every morning on the phone with his employees as well as a few calls during the day..each evening consisted of an hour + of phone calls to employees and customers and of course there were a few just for fun calls to football pals. The rest of the time was either spent driving to a reseraunt or sitting in watching tv wich usually meant he'd fall asleep.
now take tonight...before the dishes were even cleared from the table h was calling his buddie...ya then he got off the phone to eat some cake with me and the kids..then off he went to read a book he got for his birthday a couple hours later I asked him to put son to bed (I had already put dd to bed) he returned promptly when finished back to the reading chair but chose to have another 1+ phone conversation with buddie...eventually he came to the room I was in and interupted me with several questions about the movie I was already an hour into watching and of course you guessed it now he's snoring on the couch...I think I'll leave him there..I sleep better when he's not in the bed anyway...a year of having the bed to yourself will do that.
I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Have been thinking about you a lot the last few! Glad you posted but sorry to read the nature of your post...
Can you remember a time when it didn't feel this way to you? when h was more "sparky" when you guys were together?
May I point something out? You start off by saying you don't love him...but then you go on to only talk about how he behaves around you...is your real concern that he isn't happy with you? Not trying to be a jerk...and clearly how you feel when he's around you is key...just thought it was interesting.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
thanks for the reply...been thinking of you also..actually just thought of you and your daily list of meeting h's LL's as I scrubbed out the kitchen refridgerator..I wont get any points in the aos category for that as it's "my job" as was the dinner I cooked last night and every other night..as is the laundry I do etc. but I digress...Hope you had a hoppin' celebration with h after our boys won the world series for us!! I'm still in shock!
Quote: Hey LL,
Have been thinking about you a lot the last few! Glad you posted but sorry to read the nature of your post...
Can you remember a time when it didn't feel this way to you? honestly? no...I'm sure there may have been a time but it was so long ago (even before marraige) that I don't remember. when h was more "sparky" when you guys were together? as I said...way way back when but even then it was regimented...according to his availability.
May I point something out? You start off by saying you don't love him...but then you go on to only talk about how he behaves around you...is your real concern that he isn't happy with you? Not trying to be a jerk...and clearly how you feel when he's around you is key...just thought it was interesting. You are not a jerk Sage...I think by now we are all very familiar with the love bank concept...let's just say h's has been full all along while mine has been over drawn. At this point the things h would possibly do to add to my bank wouldn't do much more than attempt to pay of the interest acrued...not saying that to be vindictive or snappy just saying that it's been so long since I've actually felt of any real value in h's life (other than as his domestic partner..taking care of the house, kids, etc) that I no longer feel he has much value in mine. I no longer have any desire to talk to him about anything or share any of me with him. I'm drained...it's certainly not what I want but I don't see myself here other than for the children..will I stay after they are grown? if I didn't have the experience of being an adult child of divorce that would be an easy question to answer. I just don't know anymore.
Quote: May I point something out? You start off by saying you don't love him...but then you go on to only talk about how he behaves around you...is your real concern that he isn't happy with you?
coming back to this....
I don't think the concern is that h isn't happy with me. I don't think that was ever a concern at all...it was never about his feelings for me it was always and continues to be about my feelings toward him.
As I've said many times before h is a very traditional man...the breadwinner role is the role he learned and fills well...
I fill the domestic caretaker role and that pleases him...
BUT
this isn't 1950 and my name isn't Donna (read for those who don't get it)
There is more to love and life than paying the bills and cleaning the floor...I always knew that and though h expressed a similar knowledge it was always a matter of "first things first" in other words our financial security took presidence over our emotional security with eachother.
H did express a new found appreciation for the other areas of life (not soley filling the breadwinner role but more being an active participant in life as a couple) upon ariving home but seems to have fallen back into the "first things first" way of life again.
I suppose it is not that I'm "not in Love" with my h as much as it is we are not in love with eachother anymore. His lack of "in love" feelings a result of my frustration over not having my basic relationship needs met and my lack of "in love" feelings due to his not meeting my basic relationship needs.
am I making any sense?
I do love my h and know that I am capable of feeling "in love" with him...just wish it occured with more regularity.
It's simply a matter of spending some qt together that doesn't involve tv or may involve tv but includes some conversation and getting out of the rutt of day to day life together once in a while...for some reason our 4 days away together didn't do that.
I've asked for over two years for regular time together and was even willing to opt out of a date night out for a weekly card game at home but even that doens't seem doable for h.
I don't know if things will ever change and as always my fear is that I will eventually lose any desire to hold onto any feelings I do have for him.
LL, i am starting to feel this exact same way, though my h is not home. but i am soooo sry to hear this from you. i know the energy and time you have invested trying to make your m better. is there anyway you can let your h know (again) exactly how you feel about things? i know you have said it all before, and it has not made a lick of difference, but is there anyway you can show him in a different way? write a letter, wake him up in the middle of the night, tell him naked, anything to shake him up a little while he is hearing your words??
or can you maybe work on one small thing at a time. for example, if he is on the phone with 8 buddies a night, can you work on getting it to 7. or if he is on the phone for 4 hours a night, can you work on getting it to 3?
i know i say work, and you probably dont feel like doing any more work. and that is completely understandable. but starting all over with a new man will be alot of work too. maybe if you can kinda list what you want changed, exactly and clearly what you would like to see. and do some goals to get you there, it may just work. you have moved a mountain already with baby steps. i know you could do this too. and we will be here to help and support you. you are the one in control of him. if you can figure out just what you want from him, i know you can make it happen. the poor man doesnt really stand a chance if you set your goals for it.
thanks for stopping by (btw I did take a peak at your thread in mlc but wasn't logged in at the time to say howdy..sounds like you are doing great!)
As for me? Well, I'm sorry for always being so negative...gee I thought those who got their spouse to call of the d give up op and move home were supposed to be doing something right? Doesn't appear that way for me.
I'm just not at all happy with this r. I'm tired of the constant seeming avoidance dance h and I play with eachother...I'm tired of the severe lack of intimacy...lack of communication...lack of physical closeness...lack of friendship...lack of comradere'...lack of so many things that I'm finding myself with a true understanding of why so many women do become waw's.
I don't feel valued in this marriage in any manner nor do I feel desired, respected, loved, cherrised etc.
Once I again I feel like the maid! the surrogate mother!
I can't imagine my feeling this way to be a good thing or a sign that I'm just stuck in some manner of thinking as there's really nothing for me to look at and say well that's a positive other than he pays the bills and sleeps here but he was paying the bills and sleeping here when he was falling in love with another woman and seeing her behind my back so what do I really have?
I don't want to talk to him anymore..since last night he decided to listen to the radio in bed instead of watching the news channel on tv and falling asleep...I found myself not wanting to go to bed and when I did I couldn't sleep there so slept on the couch which of course led him to not even say goodbye when he left for work in the morning.
I'm constantly caught by the begining words on this site..."we married for the wrong reasons", "we just aren't compatable" "we have nothing in common" etc...I'm starting to believe they are not just words used by the "alien" the "mlcr" the "was" but they can be and often are words of truth!
There was a time when I had hope for this marriage becoming a good one at times even a great one but the more and more I look at things the more and more I realize that is very unlikely unless I just shut up and let the king rule.
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