I guess the problem is I'm so completely bored and that leads to lonliness and that of course leads to me looking at my h as useless.
The major problem in our r (in my eyes anyway) has always been h's lack of time and energy for the r.
Sure there are the occassional spurts when he does make the time but it seems so few and far between that I often find myself saying wtf is this?
I know family life is often hectic. I know preparing for a future takes effort but it seems that h is just content to work work work and do nothing much else.
a trap I fell into before discovery of ow was to try to just accept that h just works to provide for us and our future and thats good enough...even tried to be happy with it.
thing is I wasn't happy with it and I'm not happy with it and apparently h wasn't happy with it (why else would he have ow?) so what to do?
h leaves for work before we wake...roughly 5:30 am sometimes 6. and often doesn't return home until 6pm. Some days we hear from him during the day and others we do not. when he does get home if we've already eaten dinner (and sometimes if we haven't) it's off to the computer to check sports scores or read some news...eat dinner...maybe (yes MAYBE) help clear off the table...I put dd to bed while he usually (lately anyway) chats on the phone with buddie while son watches tv or plays..then it's to the couch to inevitably fall asleep.
So that leaves me...to wake with dd at 6 (6:30 or 7 if I'm lucky) make breakfast, wake son, get kids dressed, clean up breakfast, attempt to get myself dressed, get son to school and console dd if it's not a day that she goes to school, off to some play group or back to the house to entertain dd til it's time to pick up son at 11:10..come home make lunch...clean up lunch...play with the kids...think about what I'm going to make for dinner and hope that I have everything I need...clean the house...do the laundry..make the beds...serve dinner..clean up dinner...play with kids who are now probably fighting or crying or whining...put dd to bed...hang with son for a bit..and then what? look at my sleeping h?
it's an endless cycle of me playing freakin donna read and him playing who ever the hell her h was and I'm sick of it!
it's not that I mind being the only person in the house who cooks or cleans or does laundry or is consitant in being a part of the kids lives. It's that I don't have a life or purpose inside this house as anything other than the mother of all.
prime cantidate for an a here...christ all a man would have to do is attempt to have a conversation with me and compliment me a little and I'd start thinking about him.
what I don't get is how this man (my h) thinks that it's ok to just work work work and not make any time for fun on a regular basis. I mean how much longer does he think I can put up with it before I become just like ow? after all her h worked and gave her and their kids everything but she wanted more...why does h not think he is safe from it? just because we don't have any man here on a regular basis providing a service doesn't mean jack.
I don't expect anyone to have any answers or comments for me...in the past two years I have been up and down and back and forth. Just when I think things are turning around it's gone. It's not a matter of me doing what works or what doesn't work or more of the same or not speaking his ll or hearing his...it's a simple matter of incompatability. there are plenty of ignorant little women who would be more than happy to have a man who pays the bills and cuts the lawn while they just go about their business but this is 2004 and I'm no ignorant little woman..I'm a college educated vibrant sexy woman who enjoys life and I'm dying a slow death in this house.
nothing will ever change.
the really sad thing is I liked my life better when h wasn't in it but for some reason wanted him back? was I just scared? would I have been so concerned about it if there were no children involved?
I'm tired of it.
I'm not bored due to a lack of having a life of my own...I have a book club, volunteer for the ambulance co, a moms night out club, a dinner club, friends from my home town I get together with occassionally...how much more could I stuff into my life? I suppose I could consider getting a job...that of course would require putting the kids in some kind of day care (they are not in school full time yet...s goes m-f 8:30-11:10, dd goes t&th 9-11:30) and of course working may only lead to more trouble anyway as it would mean more interaction with other adults thus causing a further disconnect between h and I.
Odd thing is one of the things h claimed to be looking for when he was gone was a "connection"...it's no wonder he felt a connection with ow. he went to lunch with her a few times a week, talked to her on the phone regularly etc. while me he just pays the bills for and sure calls to say he's on his way home or to ask about this or that (house or kid stuff etc) but hardly ever an actual conversation that fosters any "connection".
Point is...if I don't feel "connected" to h...how the hell could he feel "connected" to me?
Quote: ...to wake with dd at 6 (6:30 or 7 if I'm lucky) make breakfast, wake son, get kids dressed, clean up breakfast, attempt to get myself dressed, get son to school and console dd if it's not a day that she goes to school, off to some play group or back to the house to entertain dd til it's time to pick up son at 11:10..come home make lunch...clean up lunch...play with the kids...think about what I'm going to make for dinner and hope that I have everything I need...clean the house...do the laundry..make the beds...serve dinner..clean up dinner...play with kids who are now probably fighting or crying or whining...put dd to bed...hang with son for a bit..and then what? look at my sleeping h?
if that's a normal m tony, then what is the point? why be married? h was paying the bills while he wasn't falling asleep on this couch and didn't want to be married to me (heck then he was coming by two nights and one full day each week to actually spend quality time with the kids and even managed to do some odd things around the house as well. Come to think of it there were some nights during that time that he actually struck up conversation with me) So what is this?
You can say it sounds "normal" for a man to do little more than go to work and for the wife to just be there cooking and cleaning and rearing the children but you and I both know there is a whole lot more to m than that.
I'm not asking for much. I not asking for romance everynight heck I don't even think I'm asking for romance. I think I'm just looking for a parnership and I don't really feel like I have one. I feel like I'm living my life and he's living his...the days just happend to end with us both in the same house.
Lostlove, I have been reading some of your last threads, and it breaks my heart. You and I have been here almost the same length of time. My H also wants to put no effort into our R--only work work work. The difference between our sitches--my H still is not home. Almost 2 1/2 years, and I am finally on the verge of giving up.
I worry that even if H finally decided to come home, and that chance seems to be getting slimmer by the day....that we will fall into the same patterns and ruts that got us here in the first place.
I agree with you, there is more to marriage than co-existing. I wish that I had some magic words to tell you that would change everything for you. But if I did, I would have already used them on myself.
Have you read Michele's book "How to get through to the man you love"? Something like--the no nagging guide. Maybe it would help you approach him in a different way.
Of course, I seem to be too inept at implementing the advice into my own life. Nothing I've done has worked. He's still 'thinking'.
LL, that is exactly how i felt before h dropped the bomb. i had even suggested to him many times that i leave with the kids and move in with my sis so that i could get help with kids. all i did was cook and clean and take care of kids. then h dropped the bomb, and i got real scared, i thought, how will i make it with 4 kids alone?? well the truth was that things are not much different with h gone. i actually have less to worry about. and me and h talk more now then ever before. i am scared of him coming back and me going back to the same life.
but i was just like you with the job too. i didnt want to deal with day care and that whole mess. but once he left i did get a job, and i love it sooo much. i feel complete when i come home from a day of work. it is very nice cashing my own checks too.
i know now that h cant make me happy. he can only make me happier, but i am in control of my happiness. if he came back and things went back to the way they were, i would say exactly what you are saying, what is the point???
but h came around once. and you know that feelings come and go. i wish i knew a way to smack him and wake him up, but i am clueless myself. well there is one way if you can do it. but it may be making yourself very vulnerable, so you may not want to do it, but could you get him to read ALL of your threads here?
your threads are so powerful and inspire hope to so many ppl (myself included!) unless he is dead, he will be moved by all you have gone through and dealt with for him. he will see what a powerful woman he is letting slip through his fingers with out a fight. anyway i do pray that something soon turns things around for you because you are a survivor and now you deserve the fruits of your labor.
One day I was having a very absurd thought that maybe we should just move in with ow, then she can take care of the kids sometimes so I can go out with H and when I don't feel like cooking, maybe she can do it. When she wants to go out, I can take care of the kids and maybe she and I could even go out sometimes and leave H with all 5 kids. Wouldn't that be just dandy? Maybe that's how polygamy started, eh?
I know that I'm being foolish, but the life they have is so unreal, what I'm doing everyday, the unglamorous life of a "mom", that's the real deal, ya know. Getting the kids up and off to school, meals on the table, bedtime, baths, etc. I've even thought of cancelling the cable TV, just to get him away from it.
I don't know what the answer is. H was gone for about a month, home for almost a week and is now gone again. He doesn't know what he wants, but I do know that it is almost easier with him gone. Not that I don't want him back, but with out him here, we eat when we're hungry, I don't get frustrated expecting him to do something, I just do it myself, which reminds me, I've got to mow the lawn. Take it easy, love to you all, Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
perhaps part of my slump is that I'm under HUGE stress. my mind has been racing a mile a minute since I found out it's my turn to cover the towns ambulance for a 24hr shift. Now that may not seem like a big deal but I'm the only person on the schedule that day from 6am-6am. The liklihood that I'll be the only person responding to any given call is very low but still exhists. If there were one other name on the schedule with me I'd feel much better but not knowing is driving me nuts. Add to that of course the fact that I have to find someone to be at home with me from 6am til h gets home just incase I do get a call.
I am planning on stopping by the bay on tues morning to talk to the director and see if he can offer any reasuranse.
what bothers me is that despite the amount of times I've expressed to h that I'm nervous about it he just seems to think it's not a big deal. Not a big deal? we're talking the entire town for a 24 period depending on yours truly for their emergency services...me who has only been on one call since passing my emt course and during that call I was the driver.
oh and also the fact that it has been some time since I've gotten any pt.
Quote: One day I was having a very absurd thought that maybe we should just move in with ow, then she can take care of the kids sometimes so I can go out with H and when I don't feel like cooking, maybe she can do it. When she wants to go out, I can take care of the kids and maybe she and I could even go out sometimes and leave H with all 5 kids. Wouldn't that be just dandy? Maybe that's how polygamy started, eh
have to laugh at this one Mellanie. My thoughts during our seperation were to have ow's h move here and my h just move to her house. Ya right!
thank you to all who responded to my rantings...it does help to know there are some that don't think I'm just a naggin pain in the butt (no comments from you tonyp).
LL -- When are you doing the ambulance stuff? Sounds like a HUGE deal to me!!! It also seems like the kind of thing they wouldn't let just anybody do so you must be doing great in your class/program!
It DOES sound like a tremendous amount of responsibility! Have you spoken with anyone else in your program who's already done it? Any suggestions from them?
What exactly does it involve? What if a call comes in? What do you have to do?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe it would help you approach him in a different way. 
so you must be doing great in your class/program!