I guess the problem is I'm so completely bored and that leads to lonliness and that of course leads to me looking at my h as useless.
The major problem in our r (in my eyes anyway) has always been h's lack of time and energy for the r.
Sure there are the occassional spurts when he does make the time but it seems so few and far between that I often find myself saying wtf is this?
I know family life is often hectic. I know preparing for a future takes effort but it seems that h is just content to work work work and do nothing much else.
a trap I fell into before discovery of ow was to try to just accept that h just works to provide for us and our future and thats good enough...even tried to be happy with it.
thing is I wasn't happy with it and I'm not happy with it and apparently h wasn't happy with it (why else would he have ow?) so what to do?
h leaves for work before we wake...roughly 5:30 am sometimes 6. and often doesn't return home until 6pm. Some days we hear from him during the day and others we do not. when he does get home if we've already eaten dinner (and sometimes if we haven't) it's off to the computer to check sports scores or read some news...eat dinner...maybe (yes MAYBE) help clear off the table...I put dd to bed while he usually (lately anyway) chats on the phone with buddie while son watches tv or plays..then it's to the couch to inevitably fall asleep.
So that leaves me...to wake with dd at 6 (6:30 or 7 if I'm lucky) make breakfast, wake son, get kids dressed, clean up breakfast, attempt to get myself dressed, get son to school and console dd if it's not a day that she goes to school, off to some play group or back to the house to entertain dd til it's time to pick up son at 11:10..come home make lunch...clean up lunch...play with the kids...think about what I'm going to make for dinner and hope that I have everything I need...clean the house...do the laundry..make the beds...serve dinner..clean up dinner...play with kids who are now probably fighting or crying or whining...put dd to bed...hang with son for a bit..and then what? look at my sleeping h?
it's an endless cycle of me playing freakin donna read and him playing who ever the hell her h was and I'm sick of it!
it's not that I mind being the only person in the house who cooks or cleans or does laundry or is consitant in being a part of the kids lives. It's that I don't have a life or purpose inside this house as anything other than the mother of all.
prime cantidate for an a here...christ all a man would have to do is attempt to have a conversation with me and compliment me a little and I'd start thinking about him.
what I don't get is how this man (my h) thinks that it's ok to just work work work and not make any time for fun on a regular basis. I mean how much longer does he think I can put up with it before I become just like ow? after all her h worked and gave her and their kids everything but she wanted more...why does h not think he is safe from it? just because we don't have any man here on a regular basis providing a service doesn't mean jack.
I don't expect anyone to have any answers or comments for me...in the past two years I have been up and down and back and forth. Just when I think things are turning around it's gone. It's not a matter of me doing what works or what doesn't work or more of the same or not speaking his ll or hearing his...it's a simple matter of incompatability. there are plenty of ignorant little women who would be more than happy to have a man who pays the bills and cuts the lawn while they just go about their business but this is 2004 and I'm no ignorant little woman..I'm a college educated vibrant sexy woman who enjoys life and I'm dying a slow death in this house.
nothing will ever change.
the really sad thing is I liked my life better when h wasn't in it but for some reason wanted him back? was I just scared? would I have been so concerned about it if there were no children involved?
I'm tired of it.
I'm not bored due to a lack of having a life of my own...I have a book club, volunteer for the ambulance co, a moms night out club, a dinner club, friends from my home town I get together with occassionally...how much more could I stuff into my life? I suppose I could consider getting a job...that of course would require putting the kids in some kind of day care (they are not in school full time yet...s goes m-f 8:30-11:10, dd goes t&th 9-11:30) and of course working may only lead to more trouble anyway as it would mean more interaction with other adults thus causing a further disconnect between h and I.
Odd thing is one of the things h claimed to be looking for when he was gone was a "connection"...it's no wonder he felt a connection with ow. he went to lunch with her a few times a week, talked to her on the phone regularly etc. while me he just pays the bills for and sure calls to say he's on his way home or to ask about this or that (house or kid stuff etc) but hardly ever an actual conversation that fosters any "connection".
Point is...if I don't feel "connected" to h...how the hell could he feel "connected" to me?
