ll, i can feel your frustration about R. and i must say i am very proud of all your efforts to work on yourself, and not let your R lead your life. yes, that is true DBing, and you did and are doing a fantastic job.
i am gonna throw something out to you. your h has basically 2 things in his life that he invests intrest in. 1. lawns and 2. football. i know it would be nice if there was a longer list here, but there is not.
when i first met my h, i hated football. but he loved it, and so did my friends and family. so i got sucked into the game. now i love football. i cant wait for football season and i hate the day after the superbowl. now that h is gone, i still watch football.
i think it all started when i joined a fantasy football league.
i know that you have moved mountains to please this man. and i am not saying fake an intrest in football to get him back. but maybe if you could get into football a little, with your own group of friends. and go places on sundays with these friends to watch the games. this may wake h up a little, and he will want to join you. not you joining him. you going out and enjoying yourself. he will notice especially since it is something he knows he would also enjoy.
and even if he doesnt, who cares, you have found yet another way to make you happy, and another group of friends to connect with.
thanks for your thoughts. I don't hate football...infact lonf ago I used to follow it...that is until it became something I was not welcome to. H is not only a big fan of the local team but also a season ticket holder...so when I was interested and wanted to attend the important games I was not invited instead his buddie or brother would go with him. The first year we were married this happend several times..the game I got to go to was one that was meaningless and I soon realized that was the same game I was invited to each year (if I was lucky enough)...the crap game against a team that has no bearing on anything. I've offered to buy out the second seat (h could easily hold both seats himself) for the season and sell random games to his buddie or brother to ease the cost.
When the c asked why h wouldn't consider making it "our" thing...h's response was it's something he does with the guys.
At this point I don't really care to choose my extra curricular activities based on h's interests. Since sports is not something I would go for on my own at this point I'm not going for it.
H can sit on the couch (or go to the games) and rott.
There's more to life than work and sports..h apparently knows this else he wouldn't have had much interest in spending time with ow but alas he's forgotten.
I've decided I'm not putting any more effort into the r, I've already waisted enough of my time on that.
fwiw today h and I will be married 7 years...d'ya think I'm itchy.
I know another person wouldn't be much better...I don't have dilussions of being swept off my feet if only h were someone else...I think I've just realized that m just isn't for me but it's too late now to change that.
You may not think it's such a great idea, and I know that season tickets are hard to come by some places, but maybe you should ask him if you could buy a second set of season tickets. You could go together, or separately, but still be at the same game. I know, I always like going to the stadium better than watching on TV. Just a thought. I know you said you don't want to put any more work into it, but this could be considered a reward to yourself for sticking with it. Might be fun to sit with a girfriend who likes football and just enjoy yourself, then hook up with H after the game and compare notes.
Have you ever asked BIL to give up his ticket for you. I know my BIL would certainly do so if I asked him, if he knew why. Another thought.
My H golfs. Golfed with OW and her S10 and S12 over the weekend. After golfing with them, graced us with his presence for the bday party of D3 and D6. I once asked him why he never asked me to golf with him. I don't golf very well, but I have fun. He basically told me that I don't golf well enough for it to be a challenge for him. Hmm, golfing with 10 and 12 year old boys is more of a challenge. I must be really bad!
He's since appologized for the comment and said he'd like to golf with me and that if we're going to succeed, we need to do those kind of things together. But he's still my husband (living elsewhere) during the week and her boyfriend on the weekend. What a putz!
Whatever, I'd ask about getting your own season tickets, or maybe just surprise him sometime and go to the same game, with someone else, and have a good time. He can't tell you not to go if you buy your own ticket. It would be fun just to see his reaction. "Hey, can I catch a ride to the stadium with you, I'm meeting so-and-so"
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I just have to say one more tiny little thing. i dont in any way mean that your feelings are not real and valid, and that h's actions are not good. but in DR, Michele says that after the crisis part of MLC and depression is over, you will have feelings of, "did i do the right thing? why did i want him back? this still isnt what i want."
it is normal to think and feel like that. you have just spent a huge amount of time going through the very fires of he||. emotionally it was the most difficult thing you have ever done.
now you want paid for your efforts. you want the man to be more then what he is . give wayyyy more then what he is giving.
you have worked soooo hard, and even though you feel like enough is enough, you have come too far to give up quite yet.
you have had incredible patience, and great will power. you have been a true inspiration to us all. what if a little more time is all it will take? forget about h and his actions, keep focusing on you, it may just work out for you yet. i cant even imagine how numb you must feel about everything now. because you have giving him and your m everything you had. and your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is empty. worse then that, it is filled with worms.
but there was a reason once when you wanted a happy m. and it is not to late, and you can still have that. you deserve it. you are a great person and you deserve the best. even if this man is not the best now, that can change still.
but there was a reason once when you wanted a happy m. and it is not to late, and you can still have that. you deserve it. you are a great person and you deserve the best. even if this man is not the best now, that can change still.
I'll ditto that, LL. You are way too young, vibrant, and insightful to just roll over. I'm not sure your H will change in ways that will meet your (totally reasonable) needs.
But by building a better LL, you're ensuring that either way you WILL be loved as you deserve. Either he's going to wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late, or LL will be in her prime for someone who does.
hesitant to post it cause it often seems to change just when I do...
but...things seem to be going along rather nicely here for a change. No miraculous events just a certain peace and comfort and possibly even a bit of true companionship.
I'm glad to hear that things are going a bit more smoothly for you lately!
What "little" things have changed? What has he been doing different? What have YOU been doing different? What are some of the signs of "true companionship" that you're seeing?
JJ
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i am so happy to hear that. i know it was going pretty rough there for a while. i am glad you pulled through. i can understand your apprehension (sp?) about whether or not it will continue. i hope for you that it does!
Have been wondering how you have been as you have been so quiet. Contentment and some companionship are great to hear. I hope that it continues for you.
last night for some strange reason I went back and read my first thread.
I can't say that it brought up any feelings other than to see that a lot of the complaints I had about the m that seemed to be fixed then (weird that the areas I felt he was lacking in the m improved greatly while he was gone).
OK truth be told one thing did stick out in my first thread...he reason for not wanting to go to c...a fear that they would just tell us we don't belong together. Now of course I know it is unlikely that a c would tell a couple that (unless as some perverse reverse psychology) but it does say something to me. We aren't really doing much different than we were before all this mess started so is that feeling still there? I must admit that on occassion (though I wasn't the spouse to have an a or walk a way) I feel that statement too.
ugh!
I wish there were some magic pill to make things the way they were when h first started comming back to me but it appears the only way to do that would be to have him leave again and that just doesn't seem likely.
not saying things are awful...just saying they have once again reached the ho hum of daily family life with little if anything in the manner of an actual loving relationship.
I hope that it continues for you.