LL -- So I didn't assume that you were referring to me or "someone like me" -- and I can see from your response that you were more focused on folks who may be DB'ing their hearts out without getting much traction (tho' I don't think that DB'ing is about micromanaging everyword you say with spouse, etc). I'm mostly thinking of those folks who's every breathing moment becomes an obsession with "what can I say/not say, do/not do that will peak their (the was) interest" instead of "what can I do to improve my life and feel better about me regardless of what reaction I get from them (the was)
It's clear that I'm in some category of "DB my heart out and be lucky enough to have h respond positively and the D be busted" (and Betsey, , I DO consider myself lucky, blessed! yah, "some" skill was involved but so were angels, good timing, some forces of nature and the universe smiling upon me! LUCK!!!). I think there are some people who DB their hearts out and it just doesn't turn around for whatever reason (and note that when I say "DB your heart out" what I'm specifically referring to is setting goals, focusing on YOUR OWN behavior, making changes in yourself, taking to focus off of spouse/OP, et). exactly my point! far to many are so consumed by how their was or s will respond to this or that...that they forget all about themselves.
But I think that a fair number of people on the BB who get truly stuck because they are unwilling or unable to put the burden of change squarely onto themselves. I'm sure there are...I've seen them but that's not who I'm refering to. I responded to your post because I was concerned that newcomers would come over here and say "Yah, why AM I making changes to win back this louse", etc...not because I think every louse should be "won back" but because it can take TIME for the louse to stop being a louse (even MY louse! ) and I worry that some new DB'ers don't get that. but it shouldn't be to win anyone back but yourself and if in the end your spouse does come back well then... The other thing I sometimes see is the scenario of "Yah, I ranted and raved at him for the fifth day in a row...he hates that...I know that...but this DB'ing thing isn't working so I'm giving up". sure that happens too but isn't what I was commenting on.
I realize how lucky I am that h responded and has been very consistent. I happy for you and happy that you realize how lucky you are. I am AMAZED at the guts and perseverance and fortitude of so many folks here...I think of it kind of like a diet...it's hard to stay on a diet if you're not seeing results on the scale and I KNOW that my continued DB'ing has been facilitated by the positive reaction I've been lucky enough to receive. not everyone is so lucky.
, I DO consider myself lucky, blessed! yah, "some" skill was involved but so were angels, good timing, some forces of nature and the universe smiling upon me! LUCK!!!). I think there are some people who DB their hearts out and it just doesn't turn around for whatever reason (and note that when I say "DB your heart out" what I'm specifically referring to is setting goals, focusing on YOUR OWN behavior, making changes in yourself, taking to focus off of spouse/OP, et). exactly my point! far to many are so consumed by how their was or s will respond to this or that...that they forget all about themselves. 
but because it can take TIME for the louse to stop being a louse (even MY louse! 
) and I worry that some new DB'ers don't get that. but it shouldn't be to win anyone back but yourself and if in the end your spouse does come back well then... The other thing I sometimes see is the scenario of "Yah, I ranted and raved at him for the fifth day in a row...he hates that...I know that...but this DB'ing thing isn't working so I'm giving up". 
sure that happens too but isn't what I was commenting on. 
