just sifting

[sage]

Was I bending over backwards to save my M? No, the issues in your m simply forced you to look at yourself in the mirror Or was I bending over backwards to improve myself/my life? I think the answer to that is obvious but there is a fine line. I wasn't speaking of You or anyone LIKE you I was speaking of those that question every single thing they do and say interms of what their h or w (who mind you has moved out and is blatantly involved with op to the point of allowing their children to share time with them) that will win them over. There comes a point when a little self respect is needed and the lbs shouldn't concern themselves with what the reaction the lying cheating was will have with them and just do what makes them happy.

LL --
So I didn't assume that you were referring to me or "someone like me" -- and I can see from your response that you were more focused on folks who may be DB'ing their hearts out without getting much traction (tho' I don't think that DB'ing is about micromanaging everyword you say with spouse, etc).

It's clear that I'm in some category of "DB my heart out and be lucky enough to have h respond positively and the D be busted" (and Betsey, , I DO consider myself lucky, blessed! yah, "some" skill was involved but so were angels, good timing, some forces of nature and the universe smiling upon me! LUCK!!!). I think there are some people who DB their hearts out and it just doesn't turn around for whatever reason (and note that when I say "DB your heart out" what I'm specifically referring to is setting goals, focusing on YOUR OWN behavior, making changes in yourself, taking to focus off of spouse/OP, et).

But I think that a fair number of people on the BB who get truly stuck because they are unwilling or unable to put the burden of change squarely onto themselves. I responded to your post because I was concerned that newcomers would come over here and say "Yah, why AM I making changes to win back this louse", etc...not because I think every louse should be "won back" but because it can take TIME for the louse to stop being a louse (even MY louse! ) and I worry that some new DB'ers don't get that. The other thing I sometimes see is the scenario of "Yah, I ranted and raved at him for the fifth day in a row...he hates that...I know that...but this DB'ing thing isn't working so I'm giving up".

I realize how lucky I am that h responded and has been very consistent. I am AMAZED at the guts and perseverance and fortitude of so many folks here...I think of it kind of like a diet...it's hard to stay on a diet if you're not seeing results on the scale and I KNOW that my continued DB'ing has been facilitated by the positive reaction I've been lucky enough to receive.

Sage