I think you and your H represent a 3rd category... one where both parties are willing to make big changes for the overall R.
Some folks have spouses who see the error of their past ways and realize that they really DO want to commit to making themselves and their marriages what they always dreamed it would be.
LL, I hear you loud and clear on what you said. In fact, your observation is what kept me absolutely grounded in my decision to move forward with the D process.
I just know deep down inside that unless Mr. Wonderful changed too, we would eventually wind up here again. I think I've done a lot of changing, and for the better. He has not lifted one finger to figure out what ails him down inside...
I think the key lies within each one of us. We have to decide if sacrificing our souls is worth the price. Somehow I think this is your struggle?
Sage, I don't know if you really know how special you and your H really are. Unless both people are really willing to open up and do the work, it's really a difficult dynamic to wade through. I don't consider you LUCKY, because that implies you had nothing to do with your success here. But fortunate? Yes. You rose to the occasion, and so did your H. That means you have what it takes to see that you never go where you've been before.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Haven't read nor posted to you in awhile. Yeah I know, it's just the same ole same ole here with me...nothing new to say or hear. Hope you are doing well enough. It's football season isn't it! Your favorite time of year...NOT. You can say that again! I did used to like watching football with h too. that is until he decided to shut me out of it making it a "guy thing". IS your H going to be going to all the games again? Does he have season tickets? He has season tickets and will more than likely go to every home game and at least one away game (typically in Miami)
Don't know why you don't insist on going with him to a few of those games. Have some drinks and enjoy!! It doesn't have to be a guy thing, who made it a guy thing?
Does it have to be an either/or scenario? he there Sage, Of course it doesn't have to be an either or scenario it just seems that more often than not it is.
here's what happened for me: h drops bomb/having EA same here
I want M, he doesnt same here
I find DB same here
I adopt the DB practices that seem to stop pushing him away same here
I take a good hard look at ME and see some things I'm not happy/proud of same here
I decide to work on those things to improve ME so even if my M doesn't get "saved" I will feel good about looking myself in the mirror same here
Changes I make in myself lead to very positive changes in h, M for a short time same here
etc.
Was I bending over backwards to save my M? No, the issues in your m simply forced you to look at yourself in the mirror Or was I bending over backwards to improve myself/my life? I think the answer to that is obvious but there is a fine line. I wasn't speaking of You or anyone LIKE you I was speaking of those that question every single thing they do and say interms of what their h or w (who mind you has moved out and is blatantly involved with op to the point of allowing their children to share time with them) that will win them over. There comes a point when a little self respect is needed and the lbs shouldn't concern themselves with what the reaction the lying cheating was will have with them and just do what makes them happy.
I think it was the latter and the former was the added bonus. and I think you are right in your case
I know your feelings aren't "new" but they seem more pronounced today -- did something happen or has it been building up? Wasn't speaking so much about my own sit as much as how it just sickens me that people have such little self worth and will do anything to "win back" a person who doesn't deserve them. I see it all over this site and it's sad. The really sad thing is, if half of them just stopped worrying about the was and just started focusing on improving their own quality of life their was may just get their head out of their a.. and think twice about what they're doing.
I think you and your H represent a 3rd category... one where both parties are willing to make big changes for the overall R. and to stick to it! a rare and wonderful occurance.
Some folks have spouses who see the error of their past ways and realize that they really DO want to commit to making themselves and their marriages what they always dreamed it would be.
LL, I hear you loud and clear on what you said. In fact, your observation is what kept me absolutely grounded in my decision to move forward with the D process.
I just know deep down inside that unless Mr. Wonderful changed too, we would eventually wind up here again. I think I've done a lot of changing, and for the better. He has not lifted one finger to figure out what ails him down inside...
I think the key lies within each one of us. We have to decide if sacrificing our souls is worth the price. Somehow I think this is your struggle? In many ways that is my struggle and of course the question of...am I actually sacrificing or am I just a typical disatisfied housewife? would I be any happier if only h were a different man? are the little things I think are missing make a difference? am I really as insatiable as h seems to think? Is any of this really my fault?
Sage, I don't know if you really know how special you and your H really are. Unless both people are really willing to open up and do the work, it's really a difficult dynamic to wade through. I don't consider you LUCKY, because that implies you had nothing to do with your success here. But fortunate? Yes. You rose to the occasion, and so did your H. That means you have what it takes to see that you never go where you've been before. I only wish my h would be willing to put in half the effort...heck I'd be happy with just an errand night every other week but I can't even get that out of my h. I'm supposed to be happy he came home and got rid of ow though.
Don't know why you don't insist on going with him to a few of those games. Have some drinks and enjoy!! It doesn't have to be a guy thing, who made it a guy thing?
Cathy
Hey Cathy,
I can "insist" on anything I'd like but "insisting" doesn't get me anywhere...heck even requests don't get me much...
h's excuse or reason why he can't take me to more than maybe 1 game a year? because he sells the other seat to his brother...so I get to go to the game that his brother has no interest in going to...that is unless of course bil decides to give the ticket to his w who will then go with my h and I find out about it weeks later when they're all together chatting about it.
who made it a "guy thing"...was news to me. when we did go to c together and the c was trying to get h to give some time to us the c suggested making football (the one interest other than work that h has) something that we share. H's response "cause it's a guy thing". He's been going with the same group of guys (mostly bils old misfit friends) who park together (but don't sit together) bring the grill, the tv, the beer and the pot (though h swears he doesn't smoke "that cr@p" anymore. How can I argue with that.
Now of course when he does stay home to watch a game I can't really sit with him cause someone's gotta take care of the kids right?
Sage, I guess I can count myself fortunate to be in that "Third gtoup"...as CJ certainly HAS made many changes and is a partner in trying to work on what's left (the ML thing...)
Id like to believe, LL that if he HADN'T, if he was still dicking around, still not reaching out, or working on our M, I'd be gone. (Remember, no kids here and much fewer "marketable years" for me).
I came to the realization that I wouldn't "settle", and I WILL NOT...I reminded CJ during our last argument, that I made myself that promise: "I WILL be loved the way I deserve to be loved"....and it's close, close....
I, too, have seen some behaviours posted which make me cringe. I wonder if what they are doing (or not doing) is positive or negative in the long run.
But then, LL, we can't really put ourselves into anyone else's shoes. Before all of my "crap"...did I think I'd have put up with what CJ put me through?
And YES, I felt like an egg-shell walker, a self-denier for some time in the beginning. But sure as hell, not any more. Like Sage I needed to look inside and make some mighty changes...and I did...for me first, and the M second.
I guess if CJ were stuck in R la la land, I'd either be gone, or a walking ball of rage. Or Maybe it's the no-lunch, extra caffiene talking....
Quote: I guess if CJ were stuck in R la la land, I'd either be gone, or a walking ball of rage.
I don't like to think that my h is in "la la land" but it certainly appears that he is....still thinking that things just get better miraculously without putting forth any effort or doing any work. He after all did say while gone that he thought things would just get better but they didn't..well gee h things don't just change unless you change them.
so perhaps that is why occassionaly LL is a "walking ball of rage" but because she looked in the mirror while h was gone...she doesn't blow up or catch others on fire anymore she just goes about her business...thus the tired feeling...the wanting to rip out of my skin feeling...the wanting to go running in the rain alone feeling...etc.
Maybe someday h will realize that if he put a fraction of the effort he puts into his business into his personal r's (and not with customers) he'd be a much happier and relaxed person (yes he falls asleep easily but when he's awake he's stressed and about the only thing he seems to enjoy enough to stay awake for is football and or work)
Quote: so perhaps that is why occassionaly LL is a "walking ball of rage" but because she looked in the mirror while h was gone...she doesn't blow up or catch others on fire anymore she just goes about her business...thus the tired feeling...the wanting to rip out of my skin feeling...the wanting to go running in the rain alone feeling...etc.
Well LL, it doesn't take a psych degree to know that THIS isn't good! Rage turned inward can become depression...but I think LL's way too fiesty to go down without a fight!
You mentioned in a previous post how your H seems of another generation (my words there)...expecting to "bring home the bacon" and little else...you correctly noted that you can't change a person....the hopeful, yet frustrating part is that YOU can't...but HE CAN....so the age old question arises again...what will it take??
Quote: Well LL, it doesn't take a psych degree to know that THIS isn't good! exactly Rage turned inward can become depression...but I think LL's way too fiesty to go down without a fight! you're damn right about that! I will not give in, I will not go down (well cept for in the bed room) and I will not swallow a pill to put a numbed smile on my face.
You mentioned in a previous post how your H seems of another generation (my words there)...expecting to "bring home the bacon" and little else...you correctly noted that you can't change a person....the hopeful, yet frustrating part is that YOU can't...but HE CAN....
so the age old question arises again...what will it take?? unfortunatley it will probably take what it took for most of the lbs round here to change...trouble is by the time (if) that happens it will be too little too late as usual. Shiny
Betsey 
