title of the thread comes from the last post on the last thread...
just sifting through the rubble that is my m. not sure where it went wrong... can't point back to any particular time..well with the exception of perhaps h's starting his business...but that was well over a decade ago and we got married AFTER that point. Perhaps things were already wrong when we got married. I know that could be viewed as having mud colored glasses on but in reality it's not. things were already a miss before we got married.
does that mean things are doomed forever?
I'd like to think not but it certainly would be hard to build a new r after 16 years the majority of having been drifted through as token bf gf rather than actual partners.
I don't want to view my m as a mistake.
I don't want to think "oh we married for the wrong reasons"
I don't want to sound like a broken record but I do...
since before we got married there have been things I did not like about the r and though I always tried to address them they never changed...I changed myself and that made ME happy but did little if anything for the r.
SO then what were and are the complaints?
lack of quality time spent together
lack of physical attention
words of affirmation
that's basically what it all comes down to. I could give examples and complain away at how h finds time and energy for this or for that instead of me but that wouldn't really get me anywhere would it!
H grows ever content as I grow ever detached.
before ow I had started to just accept my fate...accept that I had a h who liked to do little more than work and watch sports. Tried to assure myself that I had the good life, that h's working so much was for the benifit of our future and our childrens future. Though it did bother me that we spent little time together then at least I could console myself with the positive side of it and figured well h is happy I should be too.
But h wasn't happy. Or was he? I don't really know as he said so many damn things that I can't keep it all straight. Part of his reason for doing what he did (ow and then leaving us for well over 6 months) initially was ME and well then his story changed...now it's just that he was under stress, new house, new baby on the way (uhm baby wasn't conceived til after he started hanging with ow and what expenation does he have for why he hung out with her before we got married but were engaged?)
Now I can't console myself into thinking that h is working for us and our future. If he sought out ow or even accepted her advances even if just for friendship that led to ea...well then he's missing something too.
I'm not happy with the r...don't feel close to him at all...most often feel like he's further away from me than a clerk in a store...so what's the deal?
don't want to bother talking to him about it since it gets us no where.
I have no plans no goals...I'm simply sifting through my own life and preparing for a future with or without him. Sad thing is it seems whether we d or not my life will most likely be without him it always has been.
